To Protect

6

Daniel refuses to talk to me now, but I brought it on myself. I've tried apologizing to him but nothing works. He just keeps acting like nothing exists, but the good thing is that the hashtag stopped trending. I think the fans are still suspicious but I've already denied it so there's not much they can do.

Beau hasn't been as harsh since that day at the gym. I think he was probably just frustrated with me, but who wouldn't be. I'm a hot mess and I screw everything up.

Luke is still as oblivious as ever, but that's something that will never change.

-
I know I need to find a way to cope better, so I was on my laptop googling coping methods when one caught my attention.

Self-harm.

Should I try it? I knew that if anyone found out, then even Luke would be upset with me. I decided to google self-harm itself.

"Hey Jai, have you seen-" Luke walked in and started to ask me, but I cut him off by slamming my laptop shut. "What were you doing that you don't want me to see?"

"Um, Nothing." I know it's a very bad excuse, but I never hide what I'm doing from Luke.

"Really now?" Luke narrowed his eyes at me and snatched my laptop before I could stop him.

"Luke, No! Don't!" I yelled, but it was too late. He had already seen what I had been googling. I covered my mouth with my hand as he rounded on me angrily.

"What is this, Jai?!" He screamed. "Is this what you've been doing to yourself whenever you're locked away in your room."

"No." I shook my head. Luke always scares me when he gets this angry, so I couldn't form a better response.

"Show me your wrists then, Jai. Prove it to me." Before I could respond, Luke grabbed my arms and yanked up my sleeves. "Thank goodness." He whispered, hugging me and it was then I felt how hard he was shaking.

"Luke..." I let out.

"No, Jai!" Luke exclaimed shakily. "Why were you googling this? You need to tell me, now!"

"I was just..." I sighed and buried my face in Luke's shoulder. "I was thinking of trying it out. It seems like it helps a lot of people, so maybe it isn't really as bad as it seems.

"If you even consider trying it," Luke's hold on me got tighter. "I will personally kill you for being so stupid! Why would you even think about that?!"

"I don't know what else to do." I admit. I know Luke doesn't really care about most of the stuff I do, but I couldn't help but to admit this.

"Jai, are you depressed?" Luke's eyes have a different look to them.

"No, of course not!" I deny. "Is this about that hashtag, because that hashtag is just crazy."

"No it's about you looking up ways to hurt yourself. You have to be pretty depressed to do that." Luke countered. "Look, if you need to talk, I'm always here for you."

"There's some things I can't tell you." It was a mistake to say that and I know it by the way Luke grabs my arms tightly and forces me to look at him.

"Then tell someone! It doesn't have to be me. I just feel like I'm losing my twin and I can't do anything to stop it."

"You're not losing me, Luke." I shoot him a fake smile. I'm already lost, so it's kind of true. Honestly, that's all I even feel anymore. Lost.

"Yes, I am!" Luke argued back, surprising me. "You're even constantly giving me those fake smiles. I hate that I can't do anything, but I can't if you won't let me in. It kills me to see you like this, but I don't know what to do."

"You- you're being delusional, Luke. I'm perfectly fine." I try to assure him but failed to again.

"If you're fine, then why are you crying?" What. I lift up a hand and touch my face. Sure enough, my hand came back wet with tears. I hadn't even realized I was crying. Everything was just becoming too much for me. I felt even more hot tears rush down my face as I thought about how Luke suddenly seemed like he cared. I didn't know how to deal with this. It also seemed like all I ever do anymore is cry. I quickly wiped the tears off of my face.

"I'm fine, Luke. You don't have to worry about me."

"Normally I wouldn't, but it's just so obvious you're struggling that I have to worry. Now, I'm even more worried because I'm afraid you're going to hurt yourself if I leave you alone and I hate that."

I couldn't say anything in response to that.

-

"Jai, we need to talk." Beau left no room to argue. I knew that Luke would probably feel him about what happened, but I didn't expect it to be this soon. He could have at least given me a chance to prepare for Beau's wrath.

"Sure, what were you wanting to talk about?" I ask, deciding to play innocent.

"You know exactly what I want to talk about." Beau stated, knowing that I was pretending not to know.

"I swear I have no clue, Beau." I smiled up at him from where I was sitting on my bed. He growled in frustration at my response.

"Luke told me he caught you looking up ways to hurt yourself." Beau stated bluntly. "I'll be honest with you Jai, you say stuff that terrifies me sometimes and I don't handle it well. This, on the other hand, can't be let go."

"Sure it can!" I said cheerfully, "You could just walk out that door and pretend you don't know anything."

"You're really not helping, Jai." Beau glared at me. "If you're planning on hurting yourself, I need to know. We could get you help if you need it. We could-"

"I'm fine Beau! I'm not crazy and I don't need help!" I snapped at him. I couldn't believe my brother thought I was crazy.

"I didn't say you were. I just think you're severely depressed and we need to do something about it. You were looking up self harm, Jai. Do you even realize what could have happened if Luke hadn't of found out?"

"I wasn't going to actually do it!" I shouted. "I was just curious about it! Okay? So just calm down already."

"Jai there's something really wrong with you, but you won't tell anyone. We can all see you're struggling. Why don't you just let us help you?"