Poems from the dark

I dont eat

Victory should not come,
from going to bed hungry,
The feeling of success should not be what creeps up when I get so dizzy I could vomit,
But it does.
486 calories.
That's 286 calories over what I planned.
That's 286 tiny failures,
Each heavier than the last.
I choke on my toothbrush until I am down to 0 calories.
I wave goodbye to each one as they slip down the drain,
I don't need them holding me down anyway.
On a daily basis I am assaulted with beautiful girls,
All richer,
Smarter,
And less fucked up than me,
More loved than me,
And I think to myself,
Wow,
Maybe if I hadn't eaten that two weeks ago,
Then this wouldn't be happening.
Maybe my arms would be thinner than hers,
Or I could get more attention than her,
Or at least once someone would look at me or care about me the way they all seem to care about her.
The pretty, skinny, girls.
The pretty, skinny, girls,
Are my demons, my nightmares, the source of all my not fairs,
I wish I didn't care.
I wish it didn't hurt when I watch her, get everything I didn't know I wanted.
I wish I didn't hurt every time they remind me of how much better than me they are.
I wish they weren't right.
I wish I wasn't just a fucking mess.
I'm just an obnoxious head case,
Cuff my hands take me away,
They don't want me to stay,
They don't like me anyway,
I'll just have to fade away,
The only way I know how to, out do,
Is to undereat.
I'll retreat,
I don't eat,
Become so thin they can barely see, what they've done to me.
I'll retreat.
I don't eat.
The pretty, skinny, nightmare,
Nightmares are dreams gone wrong,
The pretty, skinny, girls,
Are dreams gone wrong,
It's all gone awry,
I won't lie,
Or tell you I'm fine,
I won't get back in line,
I'm not fine,
I'm in decline,
I'm left behind,
And I have been thoroughly destroyed.
I'll retreat.
I don't eat.