Poems from the dark

Love undelighted

Have you ever wondered what it feels like to have a knife dug into your chest?
To be so utterly despairing you have nothing left?

Imagine falling in love, for the first time.
You're falling in slowly,
a gentle crawl.
Flitting gaze,
wispy touch,
too close to the head rush.

Then he steps back.
Falls away,
slowly but surely you lower your gaze. What did you do wrong?

There are things that I have no problems with,
green hair,
nipple rings,
and broken promises.
At the same time as I have airs so uncaring,
I spend all my time repairing,
the fact that I'd die inside,
if you thought things like that were mine.

I have no problems with love. 
Of any gender.
But the idea of me and a girl is one that renders me triggered,
the trauma and pain I've had make me wither. 
When people think I'm with her I tend to deliver a sudden,
sharp,
and careless answer.

He looked at me,
after his untimely departure,
His eyes still hooked me even after he saw her. 
"Are you together?"
This is part when the knife strikes my chest.
His question leaves a sad pounding in my head.
All I can manage is "Ew"
I don't mean that.
I just mean don't think that of me.
Please don't think of me in that vicinity.
I'm all for love,
love for all but please don't take that as all I want is her,
and her breathe against me.

I wanted him,
in a way I'd never wanted someone,
and all I got was hurt before he even happened.
Punching the metal wall,
alone,
after being dropped off at home,
by that girls mother,
thanking god I was on my own,
didn't hurt as bad as he did.
He leaves me heated,
repeatedly,
leaving my breath a mess so heedlessly.
I just wish I could recommend a cure for loves not worth fighting for,
gunning for,
running for,
loving for.
I am not what you think of her.
There is nothing wrong with her.
She is beautiful.
I cannot accept my self like that.
It leaves knives in my gut.
I come undone.
I'm starting to run,
like mascara down cheeks.
Please just someone stop me.