Secrets

Realization

 "I'm trying not to let it show, that I don't want to let this go.
Is there somewhere you can meet me?
'Cause I clutched your arms like stairway railings.
And you clutched my brain and eased my ailing..."

~

Fuck, fuck fuck, this can't be happening. This can't be happening. There's no way this is happening. Shit. No, no, no, come on, no please, no--

My head was a muddled mess of curses and panic, making me flush hot and cold as I struggled to catch up to Sam, who had run over to her car and was just getting inside as I reached it. 

"Sam, please, you have to let me explain!" I cried as I reached the passenger side. She was looking at me worriedly through the window, biting her lip as she took in my wild state. With a nod, she unlocked the door and let me in. I clambered in, breathing hard from the chase. Now that I was here, I had no idea what to even say. How could I go about explaining what she just saw? There was no lying about it or making excuses. There was no other way to go about this. I had to tell her the truth.

"So..." Sam said in a hushed voice, looking at me gently. "You and Jake are... together?"

I shook my head mutely, biting my lip. "Not together," I whispered. "We... have an agreement."

"So, friends with benefits?"

Another nod. She gave a long, contemplative sigh; my heart raced in my chest, blood rushing in my ears. 

"Start from the beginning then," she said as if she knew I was struggling with where to start. Grateful for direction, I complied. 

With a shuddering breath, I spoke, eyes trained on the road before us as she drove away from the apartment complex; I didn't know where we were going, and I couldn't bring myself to care. I was in the past. "It started last year, after Jake's birthday party. We were both a little tipsy, talking about a lot of things, everything under the sun. We were pretty strung, anxious and emotional at that point, and then... I kissed him. And he kissed me back. Things got heated... and when we woke up, Jake panicked. 

"He isolated himself from me, and I didn't know what to think either, so I gave him space too, but I was terrified. I thought I'd ruined everything by being stupid and impulsive--I don't even know why I kissed him! I just did. I thought he hated me. But a week later, he came to me with a proposal. Friends with benefits--no one knows but him and me. And absolutely no feelings involved. His rules, both of which I could agree with. And a year later... here we are."

I slumped over in my seat, realizing that she'd stopped us at her apartment complex. There was heavy silence as she contemplated my words, and the anxiety in my chest doubled. Before it could escalate further, she spoke.

"Matt," she started, "you don't have to be ashamed of this. What you and Jake do--that's your business, I get it. Okay? I get it. I'm not angry about it or anything. I was just really shocked to find you two in bed like that together. It was completely unexpected--all I wanted were my board games." She gave a helpless laugh, and I couldn't help the twitch in my lips at the comment. 

"I'm sure he hates me now, though," I murmured, the worry returning. "He was panicked as all hell when you left, I can't imagine what he's thinking right now. And I'm just so worried that he'll make us stop this because I don't want to stop this. I-I just-- I think I might be--"

No. You can't say that. 

Tears burned at my eyes again, panic surging up again. My mind was a frenzied hell, thoughts chasing each other with fevered haste. "Can I try something?" I blurted out, running a hand through my hair. She looked at me with extreme concern, familiar with the signs of a panic attack.