Secrets

Fools

 "I am tired of this place, I hope people change
I need time to replace what I gave away
And my hopes, they are high, I must keep them small
Though I try to resist I still want it all

I see swimming pools and living rooms and aeroplanes
I see a little house on a hill and children's names
I see quiet nights poured over ice and Tanqueray
But everything is shattering and it's my mistake..."

_______________________

(Two weeks later)

The wind swept through my hair as I walked through the courtyard on my way to the Student Services office. The kid at the desk greeted me with a small smile and waved me through to the offices; clearly I was expected. Sure enough, the manila envelope was thick and heavy, the sticker reading my name and student ID number. It felt much heavier in my hands, simultaneously lifting a weight off my shoulders and replacing it with another.

I walked back out and to the parking lot for my car, unable to stop my gaze from flickering down to the envelope in my hands several times, even as I drove back to the apartment. There was significance in its thickness, and that was only confirmed when I finally opened it and read the first word on the greeting letter.

Congratulations! You have been admitted into the Study Abroad program heading to Spain for the next semester!

My eyes skimmed over the contents of the folder, going through the brochures and pamphlets and lists of things we'd need to pack and bring. My mind was reeling with those two lines over and over, repeating in my head like a broken record. I'm going to Spain, I thought to myself, staring at the wall in front of me. I'm going to Spain.

The sound of giggles, deep and high voices right at the door, sent me jumping up from the couch and running quickly into my room, shutting the door behind me as I heard the front door open and Claire and Jake tumbled inside. I had my back pressed against the door, eyes shut as they made their way down the hall to Jake's bedroom; the sound of the door closing behind them was like a punch to the gut, knocking the air out of my lungs and leaving me gasping. Fuck, it just hurt so much.

It had only been two weeks since shit hit the fan, but those two weeks so far had been living hell. Even after that time, the pain of that day was still fresh in my heart. Jake's outburst, his piercing words, the coldness in his eyes... sleeping with Claire in the same bed we'd shared just as intimately before. I couldn't bear to sleep in the apartment knowing what was going on in that room, so I'd called Sam and she'd come to get me, comforting me as I lamented over my broken heart to her. Ever since then, Sam had been by my side, steady and constant. She was truly a blessing I never knew I had until I realized how much I needed her. She made it a little easier to get through all of this.

'All of this' being the extreme discomfort I felt in my own apartment.

Ever since that day, Jake had made it a point and a habit to bring Claire to the apartment. Every. Single. Day. I would come home from work and my classes to find them sitting on the couch watching TV or just giggling like lovesick idiots. Claire would greet me with her cheerful smile, and Jake would give me a silent nod that wouldn't get past Claire. She'd shoot him a confused look and glance between the two of us as I stifled a sigh and claimed to have a lot of homework and retreat to my room until she left. Eventually that excuse didn't work, as a few days ago, the semester ended, so I just feigned tiredness and politely asked that they kept it down so I could rest and then excused myself.

The week of finals, Claire made time to help me study for my Stats final. She'd met me in the library like usual, and we'd sat down and poured over the textbook together. While I was working on a problem she'd given me, she'd opened her mouth and tentatively asked, "Hey, Matt? Can I ask you something?"