Secrets

If This Is Love

 "It's been a long time since I felt the way that I do now
Like I need you, but I don't know how
It's been a while since I smiled
And I meant it from my heart
But the idea of leaving this behind
It tears me apart"

___________________

My thoughts swirled like an angry swarm of bees in my head as I rode the elevator up to my apartment floor. My hands were sweaty and my heart was pounding in my chest. I would be lying if I said I wasn't afraid to walk through that door. My life would change as I knew it the second I did. Everything would change. But there was no turning back, no avoiding this. Taking a breath to steel my nerves, I opened the door.

As soon as I walked into the apartment, I knew something was wrong. Anger and panic was tangible in the air as I walked down the entrance hall, anxiety roiling in my stomach. I entered the living room to find Jake with his head dipped low, hands pulling at his hair, shoulders rising and falling with heavy breaths. My gut fell to my shoes; I'd never seen him like this before, in such a state of calamity. This was not good.

"Jake?" I said softly, coming for him slowly with my hands outstretched. "Are you okay?" 

Just as I reached him, he looked up and did something he'd never done before: quick as a viper, he lashed out and slapped my hands away. 

I reeled back in shock and hurt; holy shit. He'd gotten angry at me before, in arguments about stupid shit in the past, but this--this was something else entirely. This wasn't just anger. This was a whole cacophony of emotions mixed together in the worst way possible. This was a toxic mixture in a person who wasn't used to such intense emotions hitting him all at once. I could see that wildness in his eyes; he was just as conflicted as I was, if not more. This was not good at all. 

I saw my shock mirrored in his own eyes, but it was quickly replaced by anger once again. "Does anything about this situation seem 'okay' to you?" he shouted, jumping up and pacing back in forth in front of the couch. "She saw us--she fucking saw us, Matt! Oh my god, oh my god..." His hands were back in his hair, tousling and pulling at it irritably. 

Heart racing even faster, I attempted to soothe him. "Jake, you need to calm down," I said, trying to keep my voice level but soft to calm him. His erratic movements, muscles moving with aggression just under the surface, were starting to scare me. If he was overwhelmed enough to lash out at me, I didn't want to agitate him any further. 

"Calm down?!" he exploded, shooting me a fierce glare that made me almost cower. "She's gonna rat us out! Our reputations are on the line! Everyone's gonna find out--our friends--Claire--"

His worry for Claire stung me deep. Of course he would be worried about her finding out about us. He had feelings for her. My heart ached in my chest, and I cut him off, pushing my feelings aside and hoping to ease his worries. 

"No, she's not," I cut in. "I caught up to her and explained everything. She promised to keep it a secret, and I trust her, Jake. She won't tell another soul."

Jake froze, slowly turning his head to look at me. My stomach clenched at his horrified expression. God, this just kept getting worse...

"'Explained everything'?" he echoed. It dawned on me then, the gravity of my mistake. My mistake of mentioning that. My mistake of telling Sam about us. 

"Two rules: One, this stays between just you and me. And two, absolutely no feelings involved."

And what had I done? I'd broken not just one rule, but both of the ones we had. My stricken expression told him everything he needed to know.

"You didn't," he seethed, panic and anger wild in his eyes. "You fucking told her?!"

"Jake, trust me, we can trust her! Sam would never tell--" I pleaded for understanding, but he wasn't having it. I'd broken perhaps his most important rule, and he was livid. 

"You idiot!" he screamed at me. "Our number one rule, and you broke it! I can't fucking believe you!"

"It's still a secret, I promise! She wouldn't tell! I'm--I'm sorry! Please, just--"

"What's still a secret?"

The silence following his words struck a chord, ringing  loudly in my ears at the abruptness. His words, their implications, struck fear into my very core, setting the blood in my veins to ice. 

"Jake," I choked out, my heart sinking to my stomach. His expression was blank, stoic, cold. 

"There's nothing to keep a secret between us, Matias," he continued, voice strikingly quiet compared to his previous shouting. "Nothing. We are best friends, roommates who live together; that's it. Our arrangement, our sessions--all of that is over. Never happened."

"Jake," I said in horror as I realized what he was doing. No nonononono, please, no--

"Leave me the fuck alone, Rubio." 

Suddenly he was a flurry of motion, grabbing his coat and keys while I stood frozen in horror and despair, my heart skipping several beats as my world came crashing down around me. My worst nightmare was coming true right before my waking eyes. 

"Jake, please," I whispered as he ignored me, bumping into my shoulder as he moved past me. I stumbled , turning just in time to see him leave, slamming the door behind him. 

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck! This was everything I'd been trying to avoid! I fucked up--I fucked up so bad. He hates me now--shit, even I hate me now. God, I'm so fucking stupid! How could I have let this happen?! Oh my god, I can't believe this...

I waited in agonizing torment for hours, a heap of self-loathing on the couch. The whole day went by, full of my negative thoughts and anxiety as I waited for Jake to return home. I couldn't shake the thought that he might not even come home if he was this angry. I hoped he'd have calmed down enough to let me apologize and try to fix things.

But how could I fix this? I'd literally broken his golden rule. There was no undoing this, no way to go back in time and turn everything around. He was so furious at me, so shaken by what had happened. I'd never dealt with a furious Jake before. Angry Jake, sure, but not Furious Jake. This was uncharted territory, and it looked like I was royally fucking everything up in the worst ways possible. My heart was a lump of agony in my chest, hopeless against the negative thoughts filling my head. There's no way to fix this is there? I couldn't help asking myself. The fact that I had no answer to that question was answer enough.

It was eleven PM by the time Jake came home. He wasn't alone; Claire's twinkling laugh echoed softly as they passed through the hallway, Jake's laugh mixing with hers. I remained unseen, hidden in the dark in the same place I'd been all day. I heard their soft whispers, heard them reach Jake's room, heard my own door creak open and Jake's whisper as he said to Claire, "He's not here." I felt my heart break as I heard Jake's door click shut behind them. 

I couldn't think, couldn't breathe. My feet were suddenly moving, bringing me out of the apartment and out to the fire escape where I paced back and forth, raggedly breathing and blinking tears out of my eyes. My heart sank, shattering with the realization I should have seen all along. He didn't need me. He had Claire. 

My phone was in my hand, dialing the number I'd memorized a few weeks ago before I could think it over too much. 

"Hello?" Director Castor's voice answered, completely awake despite the hour.

"Director Castor? It's me, Matt Rubio."

"Matt," he greeted me warmly, a smile in his voice. "How can I help you, son?"

I bit my lip, taking in and letting out a shuddering breath. My decision, my mind, was made up. "I've thought a lot about your offer, sir, and I've made my decision. I wanna go to Spain next semester." 

___________

 "It's been a long day and I'm trying to figure it out
The way those words left your mouth
I feel broken, shattered, and blue
And it's all because of you
And I'm trying, trying to figure it out

If this is love
Why does it break me down?
Why do you break me down?
If this is love
Why does it break me down?
Why do you break me down?"