GAZE- Jarchie

6- Searching

Sunday 4:20pm

After hanging out with Jug and his friends (and girlfriend) I haven't replied back to Valerie or my friends about the party. I got a tongue of messages from them while I was at Jugs but I didn't want to look. I felt bad lying but I really couldn't be asked to go to Valerie's party. It's Sunday and I haven't talked to my friends or anyone in fact. I'm currently at the park sitting on a bench playing on my phone. I finally decide to read Valerie's messages:
Friday 9:35pm :'Hi, I just wanted to say that I talked to your friends and know that you didn't have other plans. If you're not interested, that's great, but you don't have to give me false hope by saying you're coming to my party when you aren't. That's really asshole-ish'
Friday 10:31pm : 'Hello?? Is it so hard to answer!?!!'
Friday 10:18pm 'I'm sorry I called you an asshole. But can you answer?!'
Friday 10:30pm : 'You're an asshole.'

I read through the messages and sigh. I really don't want to fall out with Valerie because she's a nice person. I begin to type my message not quite 100% sure what to say. 'Hey Valerie...' Before I can think of what to type I see Reg and Chuck walking towards me. "Hey man" Reg says as he joins me on the bench. "Hey traitor" Chuck greets as he stands in front of me. "Traitor? Fuck" I awkwardly laugh realising he was referring to me lying about Valerie cancelling. "That was dumb of you" Reg says. "Why did you lie about the party? What's up with you?" Chuck questions. "Yeah sorry man..." I apologise thinking of an excuse. "It was just really stressful" I start. "Stressful? What do you mean stressful?" Chuck interrupts. "I will arrange another type of party, okay?" I say looking down. "Yeah whatever, but what do you mean stressful?" Reg asks looking curious. "There's just something up with my mum" I lie. "Your mum? What's up wit her?" Reg questions. "She's stressed out" I say. "She's stressed out?! Dude, my mums been stressed since the day I arrived on this earth and you're talking about stress?" Chuck argues. I look down again not really knowing what to say. Reg looks at me full of sympathy as he knows a lot about my mum. More than Chuck does. "How's it going with her?" He asks. I keep my head down thinking. Since we're on the topic, my mum isn't fine at all. We barely even talk. "She's fine" I say lying badly. I've always been a shit liar. Reg and Chuck instantly look at each other and can easily tell I'm lying. "You can just arrange another party. It's fine dude. Problem solved" Chuck nudges me. I nod and we start talking normally. We hang out at the park for a bit until it gets dark and I decide to go home carrying on with my Sunday.

Monday 3:03am

It's early in the morning and I'm looking at the ceiling stuck in my thoughts. I can't sleep. This is usual for me lately. I don't know why but for the past couple of weeks I just can't sleep. I'm up all night thinking about everything. Jug comes back to my head and I question again why the fuck he's on my mind. Why did I feel so hurt and uncomfortable when he kissed Betty? I think deeper and think about why I don't get turned on with girls or find them that attractive but all Jug has to do is show up and for some reason I'm instantly attracted. Ugh what the fuck am I saying? Trying to get my mind off the subject I grab my phone from the unit next to my bed and see I have another message from my mum. It was a Bible verse. My mums extremely religious and sends meBible verses at least once a week. I roll my eyes and don't reply.

I decide to grab my laptop off the floor and log onto Facebook as I put my pillows up accepting I won't be able to sleep. I scroll through my latest feed seeing recent posts form my friends. I stop scrolling as I land on a selfie Valerie posted. Suddenly, my mind goes back to my thoughts. I don't feel anything when I see her face. I don't feel anything when I make out with girls. I didn't feel anything when I lost my virginity to my previous girlfriend a year ago. What if I am attracted to boys? Ugh what am I on about of course I'm not. I want to know how to get attracted to girls. Before I can stop myself I go on the internet and type in 'how to get turned on by girls if you're gay' I'm not quite sure why I type 'gay" but I couldn't think of how to word it. Why the fuck am I about to search this up?

I click search and the first thing that comes up is 'the gay test' am I really about to do this? I sigh. I click 'start the test' and begin answering the 20 questions. It asks me things such as what's my favourite film, how much I last payed for my last haircut, how often I go shopping and so on. I click 'see results' for some reason I am nervous. 'You're 20% gay. You're definitely not gay but you could be a bit more straight' this tests seems like bullshit. How were any of those questions relevant to being gay? I go back to the previous page and see other results from my search. 'How to be attracted to women if you're gay. Yahoo' I click on that and read through the comments. 'You can't be. It's like a straight person trying to be attracted to someone who's the same gender' 'I don't know. I guess you just have to force yourself to find them attractive in some way' 'You're gay just admit that to yourself and accept it' 'I just get drunk and try to focus on what's attractive about the girl. Works for me!' Getting pissed off with all the comments I slam my laptop lid shut. I put it back down on the floor and turn my lights off attempting to sleep again.