GAZE- Jarchie

15- Ugh

Okay I'm alive again lol I'm so shooked how popular this book is. I read back on it and realised how shit my grammar is but thank you so much for all the votes and comments. Ive decided to update it again after all the 'update please' messages. Love you all!!! Enjoy xoxo

PS: YEs this book is based off skam because I'm uncreative and couldn't think of a storyline for Jug and Archie by myself.

WARNING: Most this chapter talks about the deep message behind gay pride. Please don't read if you know you will get triggered by any wording. I 100% support gay pride and don't mean to offend anyone.

Tuesday 17:15

I lay in bed with my phone on my chest thinking about only one thing, Jug. His words on Monday have left me non stop smiling, even Kevin has noticed my sudden change in mood and has been questioning me in curiosity non stop.

Everything has happened so quickly. I'm still unsure about my sexuality but right now I don't care. All I know is Jug makes me happy, he took the risk of telling Betty, his 'girlfriend' that he's known since he was 15, about me which says a lot about our relationship.

I roll about on my bed waiting for Jug to text me. I'm always the one to text first but I'm getting impatient. Sighing I take my phone off my chest and begin to type. "Hi it was nice seeing you yesterday. Ive tidied the house, what have you been up to? Wanna hang?" Although I sound too clingy, I don't hesitate to press the send button, I miss Jugs company already, I just want to talk to him again. Putting the phone back down on my chest, I lie back down and wait for his reply.

"Hi" Kevin's face peeps around the corner of my door with a massive grin. "Hi" I greet looking back at him in confusion. "I brought a present for you since you finally paid your rent" he smiles walking over to me with his hands behind his back.

In curiosity, I sit up. "A present?" I question smiling getting excited. "Yes! Pick a hand" oh God I hate when he does this. "Okay uh right" he looks at me with big eyes. "Pick left" he demands. "Okay left" I laugh, I always get the hand choosing wrong.

He hands me the present, I can't help but grin even though it's nothing special. "Air freshener!" I laugh, he always complains that my room smells but it's his apartment not mine. "Yes! It's a lavender fragrance" he grins uncontrollably. "Thank you so much!" I respond still laughing. "I just got it in case you know that uh... that Jug guy or whatever his name is comes to visit again" he awkwardly changes the subject looking down. My grin suddenly fades as I look down at his hands he nervously fidgets with.

"Kevin?" I question nervously looking down at the floor while tightening my hands around the air freshener. "Yeah?" He replies looking up at me in interest. I think nows the time to tell him about me and Jug. He obviously has his suspicions and clearly wants to know. With these kind of things he's the only one I can really tell without feeling judged.

"There is uh..." I look down more surprised by how nervous I am. This is Kevin I'm talking to why am I getting so anxious? "There's kind of um a thing going on with me and Jug. We're hooking up I guess you could say" I eventually get my words out and look up at his face anxiously waiting for his reply.

"That's awesome Archie!" He smiles seeming completely unsurprised. "You're not shocked?" I ask slightly surprised at his reaction. He gives me the 'are you serious' face. "Archie, the first time I met you, you were alone at a gay bar at 2am and didn't want to go home" he laughs. Wow does he really remember that?

"Ive told you so many times I didn't know it was a gay bar" I defend rolling my eyes. He raises his eyebrows not buying my excuse. "This doesn't mean I'm gay though" I instantly speak up. I don't want my sexuality to suddenly be labelled as gay just because I like one guy. "No, I mean the most important thing is that you've found someone you like" he shrugs understandably.

I suddenly get really bothered about telling him this. Kevin's gay himself and I feel bad saying I'm not gay as if it's a bad thing but I don't want him to label my sexuality. "There's nothing wrong with being gay but I'm not you known 'gay'- gay" I butt in my mood instantly changing. He looks at me lost for words.

"Okay in what way?" He awkwardly replies. I don't know how else to put this, I just don't want him to think I'm like him just because I like one guy. "Like you" I respond nervously biting my lip. He looks speechless and confused how to respond. "Okay... and how am I like?" He asks calmly. "You know like how you talk about sucking cock and Kim Kardashians and lavender fragrance..." I stop talking realising how harsh Ive come across. His mood completely changes and he looks down unsure what to say.

"I completely respect you've taken the 'gay-thing' the whole way but I just want you to know I'm not like that" I try to defend my rudeness. He shuffles his eyebrows in confusion and looks at me slightly angry. "There's no 'gay-thing' I'm trying to take the whole way, I'm just trying to be myself, Archie" he defends himself getting slightly more bothered.

I sigh deeply at the fact he's completely missing my point. "Yes I get that I'm just trying to say that what everyone associates being gay is like and I'm not like that. I'm not going to start wearing mascara or tights and go to gay pride just because I like Jug" I look down and so does he, I don't mean to offend him this is so hard to explain. "Okay let me tell you about those kind of people you don't want to be associated with. Those people who wear mascara and tights and go out and fought for the right to be themselves. There's some people who can deal with the hatred and harassment of being gay, but there's others who would rather die than pretend to be someone they're not. And that requires so much courage that others don't find easy to comprehend. So, I think that before you have even tried to stand up for who you are or have experienced it, you should be careful about how you talk about gay pride and not out yourself above it" I'm speechless by his words. Looking down unsure of how to respond I can't help but feel awful. I always word things the completely wrong way.

"I didn't mean to put myself above gay pride" I try to argue but what Kevin said is completely true. I look down not wanting to look at him. "Yeah well you did. I don't really want to talk to you at the moment so just think about what Ive said" he walks out the room before I can say anything else. One thing I hate is falling out with Kevin, I'm never careful with my words and never mean to offend him. Guiltiness comes upon me causing me to instantly feel unhappy.

I suddenly hear a text noise from my phone distracting me from the dramatic atmosphere. I grab my phone off my pillow and read the text I already know is from Jug. 'Hey it was nice seeing you as well. I don't know but I think things are just moving too quickly...I know it's my fault I just need time, sorry" I swallow anxiously after my eyes finish scanning the message. Feeling nothing but betrayal, why do things always end so shit for me? I stare at the message again in confusion making sure Ive read it right. Losing all faith and hope I throw my phone on my bed and think deeply about everything. Ugh tonight couldn't have gone any worse.