Play Hard

Chapter 16

Jonathan pov.

Why isn't it me in there? Why isn't it me that is attached to machines, not breathing on my own? Why am I the one still standing? Guilt is eating me up from the inside and I can't do shit about it. what has happened, has happened, I can't go back in time to fix things. I wish I wasn't here. All these questions flew around in my head, but at least I was alone in there now, in my mind. No one to take the hard decisions for me or help me when I'm deep down, but it's better this way, I'll never hurt anyone again.
Luke knocked on the door and opened it slowly to peek in. "Are you ready? We're going now." He said with a very low voice and a sad eye. "Yeah, just give me a second." I said back to him and he nodded and closed the door again. I took my phone out of my pocket and scrolled through some of the pictures and found a picture of Evan and me, together. We looked happy, which tore me apart because of the thought that I might never see his smile again. Tears formed in my eyes but I wouldn't let them fall, I needed to be strong. I got up from my bed and dried the tears away, opened my door and saw Luke standing right outside it. "I'm ready." I said and sighed because I knew that I'll never be truly ready.
The drive to the hospital felt like hours on end, but finally, we arrived and I felt weak in my knees when I got out of the car. I was taken aback from all my emotions that I couldn't control. I felt anger, sadness, disappointment, disgust, guilt, all this mixed together in one big fucking mess I call my mind. Walking down the hall to Evan's room, I began feeling more and more sick to my stomach and when we were finally there and the door opened, I threw up right on the floor. "I'm sorry." I said to the nurse who assured me it was a normal reaction. Seeing Evan wired up to all possible machine in the hospital and not breathing on his own, it made him look so weak. You did this to him. I walked slowly over to his bed and the silence was heartbreaking to me. The only sound in the room was the beeping of his heart monitor. I sat down on a chair beside his bed and I laid my head on the edge of the bed, holding Evan's hand in mine. Luke came over and laid his hand on my shoulder. "I need a moment with him alone." I said to him without looking up. "Sure, man, I'll wait outside." Luke said and went outside the room. I looked up at Evan and saw his chest slowly moving up and down, it gave me a little hope, even though it wasn't his own breathing. My grip tightened on Evan's hand and I finally let my build up tears fall. "I'M SORRY!" I cried out and slammed my fist into the wall, making a hole in the concrete. "Evan, are you listening? I have something to tell you, you'll be proud of me, I promise. I got rid of Delirious, so we can be together now, no more problems, I promise. Just wake up to me, don't leave me alone, I'm not made to be alone. I'm made... for... I..." I couldn't get more words out, my voice was shaking too much. My eyes were puffy and I could hardly see through all the tears. "I'll be good, I can do better..." I whispered out for nobody to hear. I caressed his face and slid my fingers through his soft black hair and then I noticed he had big, purple bruises around his throat and it broke me down even more. You could easily see that the bruises were handprints, my handprints, but people doesn't need to know that it's my fault he is here in the first place. I can trust Luke, he won't tell anyone if I tell him to keep it between us.
"Hey, are you okay?" Luke said while peeking in through the door. I rested my head in my hands and shook my head. "No, I'm really not okay. This is my fault, that he might never wake up or be okay." I said with a rusty and low voice, not looking up. Luke walked over to me and laid his arms around me, holding me tight. This wasn't usual behavior from him, so it meant a lot to me that after a long time he finally hugged me. Last time Luke hugged me was before Delirious ripped his eye out, so it has been years. Sometimes it takes times like these to know that you're in the right place. My tears started to fall again, but they were a mix of both sadness and a little happiness. Luke has always been there for me through all kinds of shit and I know I've been a real pain in the ass to be around sometimes, but he stayed with me, so by him hugging me right now made me cry. Hugging me after I made the worst mistake of my life, something I'll never forgive myself for. "You're my brother, Jon, and I hate to see you like this, for something that I know you really didn't do, but you still blame yourself for it." Luke said to me, but I didn't know how to answer him, so I just nodded and held on to him tighter.
Suddenly the door opened and the doctor came in with Evan's papers. "How big is the damage?" Luke asked because I couldn't. "Well, he had a big skull fracture and some internal bleeding in the brain, but we managed to stop the bleeding. It's also obvious he had been choked right as he got the fracture and it stopped his breathing. We don't know if the lack of air has done any damage to the brain, so we're now keeping him in a coma until the fracture has healed." The doctor said while looking at his papers. "When will he wake up?" Luke asked with a worried tone and I looked up at the doctor with hopeful eyes. "We don't know. Whenever his body is healed." The doctor said and left us again. But the hope in my eyes slowly faded as the doctor closed the door and I looked over at Evan, who was so peaceful. I thought I didn't have more tears in me, but I was wrong. "I'll wait for you outside, so whenever you're ready to go home." Luke said, padded me on the back and walked out. It's ripping me apart, seeing such a strong person look so weak. "Evan, you're strong, you can fight this and wake up to me, please." I whispered out. I felt like I could only talk when I was alone with him, talking from my heart and I didn't want others to hear me. "I'll visit you every day, I promise." I said and got up from the chair. I kissed him on the cheek and left the hospital with Luke.