Rise (Colton Dixon)

Chapter 17

Alexis
With the antics of the freaking insane group I’m with to entertain me, the drive to Fort Collins doesn’t take long. I’ve always liked this city better than Denver. Danny used to take me here all the time.
I shove the thought away, biting back tears, as we climb out of the van and into the parking lot of one of his and my favorite hiking trails. I don’t think this is helping.
My headache is still beating at the inside of my head, and it’s beginning to make me feel dizzy. I try to ignore it as we start on the trail.
I kind of zone the main part of the group out, though I stay near the middle. I don’t really want to be up front. That’s where all the energy is… with Cole and Jen… plus one of the dudes that I think was from Manic Drive, but I also don’t want to be in the back, where Britt Nicole and Cory are talking. Annie’s a bit a head of them and like half-way in the conversation, so that’s where Colton is, and for some reason, I stay with him. I’m not even sure why.
Not everyone’s here… Duncun’s the only one from the Paperboys or whoever they were, and Eric is the only one out of Colton’s band, but for KING & COUNTRY seemed pretty big, so I know this isn’t all of them. I’m assuming there’s a lot more than that not here, but I don’t really care.
Colton turns to me as we keep walking, a gentle look in his eyes.
“So…” His tone matches his expression. “how did you know him?”
I know by instinct he’s talking about Danny.
I bite my lip and stare at the ground. “He was the officer who gave us the news when they found out my ******* parents were doing drugs. He kinda stuck around after that. Guess he saw they weren’t doing their ******* jobs.”
“What happened to your parents after that?” His voice is still tender, but I don’t know why I’m still talking to him. I should be snapping his head off and staying quiet. That’s what I always do. And yet, I answer instead.
“My ******* dad went to jail and my mom got to come home because they didn’t have any ****** prove against her. She started drinking and doing drugs, lost her job just like Dad lost his, amd we ended up where we are.”
He nods sadly. The look in his eyes is one that makes me wonder if he actually does care.
Get a clue, you ******* idiot. Why would he care about you?
“What was his name?” Colton asks after a long moment.
“Danny.” I choke back tears as I say his name. “He died of ******* cancer.”
“I’m so sorry, Alexis,” he replies gently.
I just shrug and stare at the ground.
“So your parents are newly remarried?”
“******.”
He takes it as a yes.
“Have they always been on-off?”
I shake my head with another muttered curse.
“She’s had about a billion ******* boyfriends.”
And I see total concern flash through his eyes.
“Bad ones?”
“You could say that,” I scoff.
“In what way?” That concern has taken over not only his face but also his tone.
“In ******* ways.”
He stops walking, stepping in front of me so that I have to too. He bends down so that we’re eye-to-eye, his hand squeezing my shoulder tenderly.
“Alexis, did they…” He falters and takes a deep breath. “Did they violate you?”
And those tears are pushing that much harder, a billion memories running through my mind, a bullion scars that occompany each one burning on my arms and stomach.
“You could say that.” I try to make it sound sarcastic and bitter again, but it comes out so utterly broken that it makes me want to kill myself.
Colton opens his mouth, but I shove past him and keep walking.
“Who ******* cares anyway?”
He falls instep with me once more, but he stays silent. I have to appreciate that he knows when to leave you alone.
And I honestly cannot talk right now. I’m completley focused on staying upright. This headache sucks. And it doesn’t help that I’m roasting in my jacket.
Colton looks down at me again, and it seems like he’s reading my mind.
“You can take that off, you know,” he says quietly. “It doesn’t matter here. I promise.”
I shake my head quickly. “I’m fine.”
He’s silent for a long moment, and I think I’ve won.
“Alexis…” The gentle word shatters that hope. “you think that we think you’re a total loser already. We don’t, but I know you think we do. So what’s it gonna do that way?”
I open my mouth, but he continues first.
“If we really felt like that… if we really judged you that way… then what’s under those sleeves wouldn’t really matter, would it? Just make us judge you more. But if you could dare to believe that we don’t feel that way… that we love you that much more for it… wouldn’t you like to finally have some people who maybe even understand?”
I let out a harsh laugh. “In this group?”
He smiles slightly. “How about you give us a try?”
I meet his eyes for several seconds before I can’t take it anymore. I roll my eyes and yank my jacket off, swiftly tying it around my waist.
“Whatever.”
My arms feel so free in the breeze up here. The touch of the wind on bare skin has never felt so good. Until the burning of yesterday’s scars drowns it out and I feel shame creeping over me.
What am I doing?
I start to wrap my arms around my body, but Colton stops me with a touch on the shoulder.
“Just give us a chance,” he murmurs.
I let my arms drop in defeat.
Who ******* cares, anyway?
Me. I care. But I have to act like I don’t.
We fall back into silence as we walk, but Colton doesn’t leave my side. And I don’t know why.
We’re over halfway done with the trail when I feel a soft touch on my shoulder. I turn quickly to face whoever it is, and find myself looking into the pretty, smiling face of Britt Nicole. I drop my eyes from hers.
“It’s Alexis, right?” she asks.
I nod wordlessly.
“I’m Britt.” And she holds out her hand, falling into step on the side of my that Colton isn’t on.
I mumble something that she must take as a greeting.
She smiles again, but this time it’s a gentler look.
“So…” She hesitates, and her eyes flit to my arm. I let my chin tip that much lower. “I know you literally just met me, but… can I ask you… why do you do that?”
I keep my eyes locked on the dirt. “Because ******* life sucks and I ******* deserve it.”
She nods slowly, and sadness flits through her eyes.
“No, you don’t,” she says finally, tenderly. “But I know how it feels to think you do. I mean, I never actually did it, but…” She sighs. “I thought about it. A lot. So I just want you to know that I understand. I get it. Just know that, no matter what it feels like, you’re solid gold.”
“Okay.” I know she catches the sarcasm in my voice, but all she does is smile and drop back behind me again.
Colton catches my eye before I can stop it. And his expression spells out a gentle “I told you so,” loud and clear.
I roll my eyes and look away. I feel like I need to focus to stay conscious right now. Seriously, what is ******* wrong with me lately?
I make it to the top, but I’m swaying on my feet, and I’m more than a little relieved that they decide to take a rest. And Colton just has to be observant enough to notice I’m not doing well.
“Alexis, please,” he urges for the millionth time, “just try eating something. I swear it’ll make you feel better.”
I shove the bar he’s trying to give me away again and don’t bother answering this time.
He sighs lightly, but he finally puts the stupid thing away. I rest my head in my hands and focus on making the world stand still.
I squeeze my eyes closed tight enough that I see spots and keep them that way for a long moment before opening them again. It’s slightly better. I do it again.
I feel someone sit down on my free side… since Colton’s still hovering on the other one, but I don’t really care. Probably Mike or Luke or Annie. And I just… yeah. I don’t care.
But when I finally do open my eyes, it’s not any of them. It’s NF. Right next to me. Is this supposed to be helping me not blackout?