Celebrating Snowflake, A Miscarriage Story

greif conference

My friend signed me up for a greif conference that my church was having for mothers who had lost a child or miscarried...

This was not something i wanted to do... being back in school was hard enough and having to again pretend everything was okay...

I kne they were going to want me to open up and talk avout what i had gone through...and having to hear.about other womens experiences...im more of th ekind of person who likes to deal on my own...or not deal with it at all

It started off hearing about a woman who had not only lost her father, and husband in a year...but also her son....she talked about how it is unnatural for us to lose our children and how our hearts were not made to handle that pain.

This did give me some confert knowing that i wasnt the only one who didnt know how to handle my loss..

Then they had us go into smaller groups, focused on yhe type of loss we had experienced.

My group was the early miscarriage group... there were other women in my group that had not only lost one but two or three babys to miscarriage.

Our first exercise was to group up witg another person and tell them how far along we were when we lost out babies, their names, our names, when we lost our babies, and something we did to honor our babies..

I lost my baby at 6 1/2 wks, Dec 31st 2015, we named her snowflake...i didnt know it was a girl, i just felt in my heart that it was a girl. And i was planing on getting a tattoo of a snowflake melting into a teardrop, to honor my loss....i explained that i felt i needed this tattoo to have an outward expression of an internal scare i have....

We soon got back into a large group again to then listen to yet another mother who had lost three girls in four years...this was touching in a different way, because i had been only a few cars behind the accident that took her twins lives away....i didnt know them, but it still effected me greatly.

Brwaking down again into our small groups, this time we were asked to through a list of emotions that we go though all the tine, and have gone through since the loss.

I had a lot of negative emotions, mostly sad ones, a few angery ones, but nothing happy....because im not happy at all nor have i come to a place of accepting it...

Our next small group meeting was focused on what personalities our lil ones would have had, this is of course from our point of view. This wss so difficult because i have thought about that so much, abd putting it down on paper was almost impossible.

We closed not having a chance to do the last small group assignment, having not time left....we ended up leaving with my heart torn open and exposed...sore from sharing...with little healing at all.

It did however get md in contact with a few women who were going through the same things i was...so i did get something out of it after all

There was a lot of crying for ne, i was constently crying though the whole event, leaving a red and blotchy.