Trees (Joshler)

I Want to See

A/N: I'm going to be starting a new fic soon! it's going to be joshler because why not and I love the idea behind it. whoo!

After sitting on Josh's couch eating waffles and giggling at the smallest of jokes, Josh gets up and cleans the dishes. leaving me all alone in his living room

so with nothing else to do, I get up and start looking at the room itself.

the couch is in the center of the room, with the stairs behind it, and a TV in front of the couch. there are bookshelves on either side of the tv, with lots of good books on them, including between shades of gray, the novel based on Jewish refugees from WW2, not the sexy one, Glint, a book about two treks to find something important, and other random books like such. the books that stand out to me though are the ones about mental disorders. he must have at least 50 of them! the first one I pick up is titled Challenger Deep, apparently, it's about a young boy with schizophrenia, interesting. the next one is called It's Actually, a Funny Story, which is about a young man's struggle with thoughts of suicide and depression. the strange thing is, though, is that I've read most of the books on these shelves, including It's Actually a Funny Story, and another book called Girl in Pieces.

the only people who read these books are people who relate to them. is Josh depressed too?

the next thing I know is that I hear footsteps walking in and a familiar hum. 

"hey Tyler, so wh- oh hey you noticed the books, yeah i like to read sometimes" Josh said when he walked in

"o-oh yeah, I've actually read some of these before, like this one", I said pointing at Its Actually, a Funny Story," it's really sad, I wouldn't see you as someone that would read this stuff". I wasn't trying to sound rude, I was just being honest, he seems too bubbly for this depressing stuff.

"yeah, i went through some depression a year of two ago, and I liked to read stuff about it, these books were some of my favorites, I still reread them occasionally to remember what I went through". he seemed genuine, and I felt bad, i didn't want someone as precious and innocent as him to have to go through that hell.

"so while we're on that topic", Josh started," is it alright if we talk about what happened yesterday? you know, about what happened at the bridge?" he asked. he sounded so nice, but I still couldn't help to think that all of this was, pity.

"it w-was nothing really. its just, its just th-that something happened f-few months ago at that bridge. something i-I'm not r-really proud of" I said to the floor. I couldn't bring myself to say what I actually did at that moment.

"its okay, we all have those things that we aren't proud of, uh, for me that was about t-two years ago, I was convinced that I wasn't worth anything because of how fat I was. so I started fasting and throwing up everything that I ever ate. I've uh, I've stopped now, but, you know, I kind of get what you're talking about. so you know, you can tell me what happened, i-i mean if you want to" he started rambling.

I cant believe someone as amazing and beautiful as Josh could go through that. I almost feel bad for reminding him of all of this that he's been through. 

"i-i-i" I cant fucking get the words out. everything is holding up in my thought and I don't want it all to spew out at once. " i-i jumped" I mumbled. I don't think Josh fully understood what I said but he got enough.he breathed the smallest of gasps," a-about two o-or so months ago i-i think", a single tear ran down my cheek.

he shocked me by pulling me into an enveloping hug, with his arms holding me tight.

"i-I'm so sorry Tyler, I'm so sorry" he kept whispering small nothings to me. 

I've heard all of this before, the 'i'm so sorry' the ' it's okay', I've heard it all.

but it felt so genuine from Josh.

JOSH'S pov

I'm so sorry Ty.