Until I Collapse • @vscomultii

Chapter 2 // Grayson

One more purge. You can do it.

Head hanging over the toilet, fingers tightly gripping the sides. Everything inside of me falls into the bowl, leaving me empty.

Emptiness feels good. Or, at least I tell myself it does. I wipe the corners of my mouth and resume my position at the foot of the toilet. I sit, unable to throw up more, and I feel like I'm finally done.

You aren't done until you're sure there's nothing left.

How can I possibly throw up more? I stand up and lean my hands on my knees.

Shove your finger in your throat.

My hand automatically flies to my mouth, pointer finger extended. I shove my finger as far back as I can, and I can feel myself gagging.

I break into a fit of coughing, right before throwing up for the final time. I feel relieved, because now that there's nothing left to get out, I can be done. The voice inside of me that I am a prisoner to will dismiss me after I've followed all of its directions exactly.

Emptiness and pain are my masters. I wake up each morning, hoping for a moment alone to get to shred open the skin on my wrists.

Blood may make some people squeamish, but not me. I feel like I'm doing something right for once when I see it.

When I look in the mirror, I notice I'm crying. I cough, and suck it up. I can't ever feel when the tears start to come.

You like the pain, don't you?

Sometimes I can't tell if I like it or not. I just know that I am obedient to when my body tells me to push the blade deeper, and I listen to when I am told that it is what I deserve.

Now is one of those times.

I grab the blade and without thinking twice push it through my skin. The whole time I bite my lip to keep from crying. Like normal, I get carried away. Deeper and deeper, until the blade is too deep. 

"Shit, not again."

When will you ever get it right? You can't even cut yourself the right way. What is wrong with you?

Even the voices inside of my head hate me.