Until I Collapse • @vscomultii

Chapter 22 // Grayson

The steady beating of my heart is traced to the machine next to me, beeping my pulse and bringing it to life. Signaling that I've lived.
I'm alone, but I feel happy.

I feel alive, but something about it seems wrong.

I push myself up, testing out how well my body will work. I feel stiff, and my body aches like I've just run a marathon or I've been beaten up. 

"Grayson." I look up, hoping to see Ethan standing in the doorway. Hoping for him to be the first person I see when I wake up.

"Hey Dr. Price," I smile at him, thankful I'm not left to wondering to myself for a long time. Even though he isn't Ethan, he's better than no one.

"Hello Grayson. There's something I want to talk to you about." He smiles at me gravely, and I'm hoping there isn't another problem with my health. Ethan most likely won't be able to handle it.

Ethan is the only person on my mind. I'm curious about where he is, what he's doing, if he's okay.

"Can we get Ethan in here first so he can be here when you tell me?" An excuse just for him to be in here. Dr. Price will buy it though, so I just wait for Ethan to be called in, for him to roll through the door at any second.

But thats not what happens. Dr. Price hesitates, and I can feel my heart rate pick up. It's new tempo is matched by the monitor.

"Grayson, I don't think I can do that."

I touch my arm to make sure this isn't a dream. I'm hoping to find that it is, and when I wake up I'll be at home in bed with Ethan just a room away.

"Why not?" I play dumb. Testing him to mess with me, or tell me something that will break my heart. Hospitals tend to do that a lot.

"Last night, you were having serious heart failure. Ethan and I had talked ahead of time, and we planned out what would happen if this occurred." There's a lull in his explanation, and I just want him to tell me what I already know. I can tell where he's going with this, but it seems unrealistic. Like something you'd read in a book, or like something that happens in a movie. Not what is going on in my life.

"There were no heart donors, and Ethan wanted you to live." He's choking up as he explains it to me, but he finishes. "Ethan gave you his heart."

I can't believe it. I expected it, but that doesn't make it any more believable.

He gave his life for you. He laid down on that table, shut his eyes and slept for you, knowing that there would never be another waking moment for him.

I loved him so much. No, not loved, love. My love for him is present tense, even if his life is past. 

I wanted nothing more than his approval. That was the one and only thing I had to live for. And now it's gone. He's gone.

I know why he did it. Ethan would feel responsible for my death, and he'd carry it around on his shoulders. As if he could have done something for me, done something differently.

"Why'd you let him do it?" I ask even though I know he couldn't have stopped Ethan even if he tried. When Ethan wanted something, he always got it.

Dr. Price hesitates, and I can tell he's trying not to cry. It's not his life, and I think of how unfair it is that he's allowed to cry. I'm not his problem anymore, now that Ethan's heart works fine inside me. "I made sure it was what he wanted. He assured me that he wasn't going to change his mind."

The urge to tear at my wrists is overwhelming, but I know I can't. It's not what Ethan would have wanted. He didn't give up his life for me to take advantage of mine. "Can I just be alone?" Dr. Price gets up to leave.

"Grayson, I'm sorry. I really, really, am. I know how much you both meant to each other." I don't respond.

How can I respond to that without telling him how empty 'sorry' feels?

'Sorry' is the excuse for breaking a promise. The world, or God, or whoever there is, owes me an apology that I know I will never accept.