Until I Collapse • @vscomultii

Chapter 23 // Dear Grayson...

Going to sleep upset is horrible. Waking up upset is probably even worse.

I wish I was dead.

Alone, alone, alone. I'm trapped here alone, in the jail that is called 'my body.'

I swing my legs off of the bed and touch the cold tiles with my bare feet. I stand up to walk around, but I notice a piece of paper slide off of me and slowly float down to the floor.

Leaning over to pick it up seems impossible, and I barely even have the will to grab it.

How important can it be anyway?

I decide that I have nothing else to do, and it may be a while before someone comes in to instruct me on what boring part of my life comes next. So I steady myself and lean over.

Holding the note between my pointer and thumb, I sit back on the bed and slide my cold legs under the covers.

Grayson.

My heart races. I know it's Ethan's sloppy, loopy handwriting. I close my eyes and prepare myself. The excitement of having a note from Ethan makes my heart race, but so does the nervousness of reading it. I just pull it open and read anyway.

If there was one thing in my life that I didn't want to do, it was hurt you.

There are so many different forms of hurting someone, and I somehow managed to hurt you by using each kind.

I physically assaulted you, I verbally attacked you, and I emotionally destroyed you.

When I was alive, I may not have acknowledged how bad I felt about each thing specifically. Being gone makes it even harder, because there's no way for me to hug you and make you believe me.

'Sorry' sucks. That word is probably the most incompetent word to ever be used. It's just a placeholder people use when they are embarrassed by their actions and there aren't any other words to say.

Before I left, I kept telling you 'I'm sorry.'

'I'm sorry Grayson, I didn't mean to hurt you.' It was a weak attempt to make you feel better. Although it's true, you and me both know that 'actions speak louder than words.'

On the first day back, you quoted me by saying that. I know I said my actions showed how I cared, but while I tried to help you, I also hurt you. I tore you down and made you worse.

Giving you my heart seems symbolic in a way, because the heart is supposed to be the biggest symbol of love. But I needed to do one last thing for you, whether it did or didn't symbolize anything.

After we left the hospital from the accident, our life went back to the way it was in California. Well, somewhat. We were hanging out together, talking, and having a good time. Just like we used to.

I tried to ignore what I knew was inevitable. One of us was going to be gone. The doctors told me that you had a limited chance to live, and I knew that if you weren't here, my life would be
pointless. The only thing I'm living for is you. So without you I'm a lost cause; a waste of space.

My life has no point without you, so it makes the most sense that I'm the one whose time is up.

I'm leaving, but I hope you know I won't be gone. I'll be watching over you from wherever I am. I can promise you that.

If you're alive and you made it through the surgery, please live for me. Keep making progress. I don't want you to be the next one here, the next person to leave.

Put the blade away permanently. No more cutting. You're worth too much to tear apart.

Eat 3 meals everyday. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. You need to gain back your weight.

Go back to school and make some friends. You're such a fun person, so easy to love. Just put yourself out there, and you'll attract the right crowd. I know you can do it.

Love is when you put someone else's needs before your own. You told me that you loved me, and actions speak louder than words. So if you don't want to do it for yourself, do it for me.

Stay strong Grayson.

I'll be waiting for you.

- Love, Ethan

Ethan told me he left, but he isn't gone. I can feel him here with me, like he's the sun that shines in through the window and warms my face.

I don't cry for him. He wouldn't want me to.