Until I Collapse • @vscomultii

Chapter 11 // Ethan

The coast is clear.

I drove home from school early today. Grayson is walking home like always, and instead of going off with friends I came directly home to do this.

I don't have much time, so I immediately sneak into his room. It's still disorganized and cluttered, and I wonder how I'll ever find what I'm looking for in this huge mess. I start pulling open drawers and throwing the contents everywhere, but there is nothing.

I have to find it. I knew it is somewhere in here.

He'll be home any minute.

Under his covers is a stupid place to look, but I throw them back anyway. Under the bed, no, behind the bed, behind the desk, behind the dresser, no no no.

As I pull open the closet, I don't think I'll be able to find it in such a cluttered space. It's worse than his actual room. I throw his shoes around and get lucky. I find what I am looking for.

The silver blade, so small, yet so harmful. I quickly grab it off the floor before I can think twice.

I run out of the room fast, hoping it won't be too obvious that I was in there. By the time I am back on the couch shoving the blade under a pillow, Grayson walks in. My heart is racing. I pretend to be on my phone, but he can tell something is up.

"Ethan...?" He looks at me with a look of confusion on his face.

"Oh hey Grayson!" I say way too cheerfully, automatically giving him a reason to be suspicious. He hasn't even been in his room,  yet he can probably tell I did something.

He speeds off to his room before I can say anything else. I hear a murmur of confusion and go back to what I'm doing on my phone. He walks back out with a slight look of annoyance on his face.

"You took it."

"Took what?"

He rolls his eyes. "You know what I'm talking about. Give it back to me."

I laugh sarcastically. "No! That's like giving a murderer a loaded gun, putting it in their hand, and telling them to shoot you! I'm most certainly not gonna give it back to you."

He leans back on the wall. He breathes a sigh of annoyance and just looks at me.

"I'll go get another one then. You can't stop me from doing it."

He uses the word it, like cutting himself is normal, yet in reality he is soon going to get himself killed. I can't understand the reasoning behind this. Then again, I'm fine. No eating disorders and no depression.

"Okay. Well I'm gonna find that one and take it from you too. I'm not gonna stand by as you take your own life away," I respond, acting as bored as I can. I can't believe my plan is working.

He narrows his eyes at me, but doesn't really react. He walks away too easily almost. As if he's okay the blade is gone. But he turns around and almost tries to convince me one more time to give him back the blade.

"There are also other methods of self harm. I don't just need the blade. I could drown myself, take pills, get hit by a car, jump from somewhere."

I roll my eyes. "How long has this been going on?"

"Ever since you started pushing me away Ethan. I'm mostly this way because of you! And don't act all innocent, because you know it's true."

I feel like he's telling me the truth, but I don't want to believe it. If my brother died because of me, I don't know how I'd be able to live through that.

"Grayson, you can't put this on me. I'm most certainly not forcing you to do this. I'm not the problem." If anything I'm just trying to help.

"You are most certainly the problem Ethan! You should just learn to accept that this is the way I am now." He stops for a brief second, then continues. "You do things to act like you care but you don't ever say you care." Quiet tears stream down his face. He starts to walk away but stops when I start talking.

"I do care Grayson! If I didn't, I wouldn't be losing sleep, losing friends, losing my sanity over you! And to make it worse, any progress I make is being lost by you not listening to me. If you were to just TRUST me, you'd be healthy again. So don't tell me this is my fault. I'm doing what I can to help you. Actions speak louder than words. What if I told you I cared and did nothing to stop you? Would that be better for you?"

I said all I wanted to. I'm waiting for him to respond with something just as loud but he only responds with one sentence.

"If you said that you cared, I could fix myself."

What a crock of shit, Grayson. Now you're just a liar too.