Until I Collapse • @vscomultii

Chapter 4 // Grayson

I notice Ethan getting up early to come and check on me while he thinks I'm asleep. It's becoming harder and harder not to sit up and punch him with my scrawny arm. The only reason I don't is because I know he could just kick the shit out of me with barely any force.

I hear the door creak open, just as I expect. I flick my eyes open fast to see the time on my digital clock. 3:57 AM.

Can't he just f off?

He comes closer to the bed, tiptoeing over all the stuff I have on the floor. He's trying not to make noise, just like he always does.

The other day he took a picture from my room and never returned it, as if I wouldn't notice it's gone. It's my favorite picture of the two of us. From when we were both happy together, and when he didn't hate me.

I feel him stand by my bed, touching the covers lightly with the palms of his hands. I pop my eyes open and bolt to sit up.

"What are you doing awake?" I angrily shout at him, and he pulls his hands back fast.

Ethan blinks and lightly gasps, even though I know he's trying not to. I'm very uncomfortable, wishing I had a sweatshirt or something to put on so he can't see me. I try to hide my wrists from him, but when I look back up at him he's staring at them being covered by the blanket

"Well?" I ask again, hoping he'd just leave.

"I came in to check on you."

Liar. He's spying on you.

"Why? What could be so important for you to be checking on me at 4 in the morning? Don't you hate me anyway?" He seems to be getting more and more upset the more I speak. I continue on, experimenting with his emotions. "And what's it to you what I'm doing? Hopefully you get what you wanted, checking on me pretty much everyday around this time. I'm sleeping, I don't know what else you'd expect."

He just rolls his eyes, and I'm mad he isn't getting frustrated with me. I'm about to try and say something else to make him mad, but he cuts me off before I can continue.

"You need to calm down. You always seem to care that I'm not paying attention to you, and when I finally am you don't want it?"

I just sit and listen to him talk in a too-calm voice. I wait for him to continue, but he just walks out and shuts the door behind him.

Are you supposed to feel touched by that? He hates you. Don't let him convince you otherwise.

I lay back down and try to go back to sleep, but I can't. I'm wide awake, and I can't help but think about the blade in my closet. The cool feel of the metal in my hand would calm me down, make me feel okay again.

You have time before school. If you do it now, you'll be able to clean up the blood and no one will notice.

The idea scares me, and I hesitate.

Do it.

My legs carry me out of bed and to the closet. I move my shoes around, knowing the blade's hiding spot. When I see the metal gleam in the small beam of moonlight shining into the room, my heart beats fast.

The floor on the way to the bathroom is cold, and I can't help but think of how risky this is. If I don't clean up the blood right, someone will notice.

What would they even say if they noticed? No one talks to you anyways.

The shame in knowing it's true makes it feel almost like it's a perfect punishment for a lousy nobody like me.