Learning To Count(Otabek x Yuri) [boyxboy]

Chapter Four

School is a universally lousy affair whichever way you look at it, but for Yuri it was a new, personalised brand of hell. Thanks to his dizzy spells and permanent faintness, he found he could never concentrate on his work. On top of this his friends had begun to question every single tiny thing and it drove him insane- more so than he already felt. Today was no different; already Minami had tried to force a cookie from tuck down his throat unceremoniously and Sara had dragged him down to the lunch hall, where he was now sat rolling an apple in between his hands. This was all he'd procured, and he couldn't pretend to himself that they weren't noticing things anymore. It didn't help that already he'd been ambushed by Mila about knowing Otabek- he could tell she was more than a little infatuated already.
'I told you,' He repeated himself for what had to be the hundredth time that lunch hour, 'I barely know him. We met once and that's it.'
'Just in Reading?' She queried, and he nodded to confirm this. 'Well, how come the picture's taken in London, then?'
'Oh,' He had forgotten how intrusive his friends could be, and how strangely omniscient they were when there interest was attracted. 'We went to London. Same day, though. He does this thing where he rolls a dice and gets off at that stop.'
'He's so cool,' Sara sighed dreamily and her brother looked ready to beat this gambling hipster to a pulp. 'Can you introduce me?'
'Like I already said,' Yuri couldn't keep the harsh tone from his voice this time. 'I barely know him, so no.'
'Do you have his number?'
'No.'
'Liar. Hey, aren't you going to eat that?'
Yuri looked down at the apple in his hand, the deep red skin polished and shined like a freshly cleaned shoe from where he'd been rubbing it between his palms.
'Nope. Won't catch me eating rabbit food,' He stood up abruptly and placed it on her tray, much to her disapprobation. 'Going out for dinner, anyway. You know what my mum's like if I don't have an appetite- she'll say I've been getting food on the way home.'
She hmmed him to show her disapproval, but allowed him to get away with it. He took a huge sigh of relief and, just like that, the biggest obstacle of the school day was over and all that was left to do was decide how to get out of dinner. Now that he'd been diagnosed he usually didn't even bother lying, he just flatly refused and went straight to his room either to attempt to catch up on homework or to bully himself into exercising until he fell asleep exhausted and dry coughing.
Today he planned to do the exact same thing, the odd tranquility that being around Otabek had brought him not extending further than a half hour period. The next day it would be a full week since he'd last eaten and he was paralytic with excitement for that, however sick his pride over it was. This was by far the longest he'd ever gone without eating and he'd never thought he could do it, but here he was, barely able to make it up the single flight of stairs to his form room for registration. Achieving the stairs, he stumbled through the doorway into his classroom, breathing hard and clutching at his files as if they could centre his gravity for him. His tongue felt too big in his mouth and his hearing had gone strange, almost as if he was underwater. His vision tied into this well given the blurriness of its edges and a spike of panic lanced through his chest, his brain screaming at him to fucking keep it together! He knew he was going to faint, but he also knew there was nothing he could do to stop it. His thoughts seemed to be moving through treacle with the speed at which they were dragging themselves through his mind and there was a dark miasma creeping across his vision, accompanied by spots of colour blocking out half his sight. He went to grip the table but missed, and then the haze met in the middle and he fell. He woke up not more than three seconds later, his mind and the world whirling round him as he scrabbled to recall how he had ended up there. His classmates were standing over him, concern and judgment etched into their unrecognisable features.
'Somebody call the nurse,' His form teacher was clamouring, a particularly stressed man by the name of Edward DeGalle- Mr. DG affectionately and The Balls unaffectionately.
'No, I'm fine,' Yuri sat up slowly, shaking his head to dispel the blots in his vision. 'I just-'
'Come here, idiot,' Guang Hong manhandled him to his feet and sat him down forcefully on a chair. 'Mr. DG, I can go get the nurse.'
'Thank you.'
'You twat,' A boy knocked Yuri over the head, laughing as he did so. Yuri tried to goad him back, but he couldn't connect the dots well enough to put together a coherent sentence.
'Right, everybody go home now,' Mr. DG called over the loud, excited voices of the witnesses to this scene. There'd be talk for days, if not weeks, and Yuri was furious with himself for allowing such a thing to happen. He hung his head in his hands and prayed that he could get out of this unscathed. He knew already that the chances were low. First the nurse checked all his vitals, something he was accustomed to thanks to doctor's appointments, then requested that they be left alone for a 'little chat'. This was how Yuri knew things really weren't looking good for him.
'Your blood pressure is abysmal,' She began as she packed her things away into her dark green medical bag. 'And you're very underweight. Have you been eating?'
He almost scoffed when she said underweight- you only had to look at him to see he was not, nor would he ever be, underweight enough to be construed as sick- whatever his doctors said.
'Yeah,' He said this with as much conviction as he could muster given the circumstances. Not hugely convincing, and he could see she was disbelieving.
'I'm going to have to call your parents, as you are showing many symptoms of anorexia nervosa.'
He let out a long exhale, not even having realised he'd been holding his breath until he released it. He'd seen this coming for a good long while and it was almost a relief to have gotten it over with. He was only alarmed that the school hadn't been notified by the hospital or something. Just went to show the shoddy state of the health system, or perhaps the education system.
'Look, my mum already knows. I have a diagnosis, everything is fine.'
'I still have to call her to confirm that, since it's not on your school record.'
'Don't, you'll only upset her!' He hated to think of her having to take the call. She didn't reply, instead going into the corridor presumably to call his mother and order Mr. DG to come and play counsellor or whatever. He felt like he'd misbehaved somehow, not been reported as sick. He supposed they would treat mental illness like naughtiness; most older people can't accept that it's just that- an illness- and not a decision to be difficult. Besides, he was a boy. Boys don't get anorexic. Mr. DG returned with a somber expression and pulled up a chair to sit next to him. The poor man clearly had no idea how to broach the subject, never having had to before. Not with a boy, anyhow.
'It's okay,' Yuri muttered. 'I don't need to talk about it.'
'The problem is you have to,' Mr. DG sounded like he hated the idea just as much. 'We need to set up a plan to help you.'
'Really, I'm fine. Pretty much recovered- they're discharging me next week.'
'Really?'
'Yes, I'm better.'
'Then what happened today?'
'My blood pressure drops sometimes, that's all. Then when I eat the sugar sometimes overloads my body and I faint,' A beautifully constructed lie, even if he did say so himself. It both sounded scientific enough to be believable and made it seem as if he'd eaten. What made it better was that Mr. DG was a music teacher and as a result had little to no medical knowledge other than that of basic first aid.
'Would it help if I talked to your friends?' He suggested, and Yuri felt sick at the idea.
'No!' He cried. 'They- they already know.'
'Right, okay, yes. Good. I mean, not- well, we have to wait for your mother to pick you up as I need to talk to her.'
'Can I wait outside?'
'I suppose so... We'll need somebody to wait with you to make sure you don't abscond.'
'Is Guang Hong still here?'
'Yes. He's worried about you- a few people are. You go wait with him and I'll have a quick word with the nurse.'
Yuri stood up slowly, ordering his mind to stay focussed and his legs to remain steady. He wobbled a little as he walked out the classroom, where Guang Hong was pressing the nurse for answers, which she was sharply denying him. When he caught sight of Yuri, he pouted.
'All you did was pass out,' He protested when Yuri dragged him down the corridor and out into the fresh air, which he was inexplicably grateful for. 'What's with all the fuss?'
'Anorexia,' Yuri snapped, sick of lying to people and sick of having to talk about it. At that moment he was so het up that he didn't think of the consequences of everybody finding out. He stormed towards the gates, and Guang Hong had to yank him backwards by his collar.
'Didn't they say you have you wait here?'
'Yeah, and you think I want to?'
'Fair enough,' Guang Hong shrugged, and they walked out together.
'You can go home, you know.'
'Are you sure?'
'I'm fine,' How many times had he had to say that in the past 24 hours? It was like some kind of refrain now, popping up in every single conversation he held. Guang Hong visibly relaxed and bid him farewell, slouching off in the other direction and leaving him alone to think.
Yuri ambled down the streets, occasionally stopping to glance behind and ensure there wasn't a teacher running down the street after him. Soon his mother would turn up and there'd be a massive kerfuffle when they realised he'd gone. He didn't particularly care; let them worry all they wanted. A stab of hunger twisted his stomach and he briefly checked the timer on his phone. More than 24 hours had passed- surely it was okay to just eat one small thing? He knew he was just making excuses to eat, but at the same time he was fighting a losing internal battle against his hunger because all of this upset had made him want nothing more than to binge eat and cry for a few hours. It happened every damn time he restricted- he failed himself miserably and gave into the most basal of desires. He ducked into a shop and bought some food, trying his best to convince himself that he was so sick, he was just dying- after all, the nurse had called him extremely underweight, right? This food was fine. Deep down he knew he was lying to himself and really he was just as fat as he always had been, but his starved mind was delirious and desperate enough that it would turn to these self-deceptions. He sat on a bench and savoured each bite, eating so fast that he felt sick. The second it was gone he felt worse than before, the self hatred kicking in strong and the guilt throttling him. Why had he done that? It had been going so well! He loathed himself beyond words. He folded his legs underneath himself and gripped at his stomach with his hands, pinching the fat between his fingers so hard it was unbearable. Why couldn't he just be strong and get rid of it? Why did he have to be so weak? In all honesty, he just wanted to jump in front of the next car that passed by him. In possibly the strangest twist of fate, the next car was a rusted heap of junk that pulled up beside him. Frowning, he drew his legs in closer in paranoia. This was the kind of thing his school was constantly warning the girls about, and in his panic he forgot that he wasn't a girl and it was less likely to happen to him.
'Yuri?' It wasn't the voice of a paedophile that called his name in dulcet tones, however. Was this even possible? This was so unlikely it couldn't even have been a coincidence. 'You alright?' Dark eyes took in his small, hunched frame and made a quick decision that he really wasn't.
'What are you doing here?' Yuri managed to choke out, unfurling himself and peering into Otabek's car.
'I live nearby. The bigger question is what you're doing sat crying on a bench.'
'Crying? I'm not-' Yuri's hands went to his cheeks and, sure enough, there were tears that he hadn't even noticed damp against his skin. 'I got in trouble at school and now I've kind of run away.'
'Every time I've seen you you've been running away. Do you want me to take you home?'
Yuri regarded the car with a skeptical eye, not sure it would hold up all the way to his house. It was only ten minutes down the road, so that was saying something.
'I can walk,' He stated, but he actually didn't know if he had the strength to do so.
'Just get in,' Otabek ordered, and with a great display of reluctance he climbed in. 'Where to?'
'Literally the end of this road.'
'So what happened?' Otabek turned down the grungy rock anthems playing on the radio so they could talk.
'I passed out in registration and they kind of made a fuss. They called my mum- I think they're probably talking to her right now.'
'Quite right, too. You fainted yesterday as well. Yuri, this is serious.'
He stayed silent, picking at a loose thread in his jumper and unable to respond. He indicated that his house was just on the left, and Otabek parked in front of it.
'You don't have to-'
'I don't really want to leave you.'
Yuri sighed dramatically and let Otabek follow him in. He already knew what he was doing for the next half an hour, and it was incredibly inconvenient to have somebody around as he did it.
'I need to take a shower,' He lied and showed Otabek up to his room, leaving him to sit there as he escaped to the bathroom to rid himself of the food he could physically feel decaying into fat within him. He'd already have absorbed so much of it that the last week or so of fasting had been entirely pointless. He turned the shower on to mask the sound of him retching and knelt down in front of the toilet. He forced his fingers down his throat, wincing as his nails scraped at the already irritated skin. His throat convulsed and he leaned his elbows against the seat as the bile rose up his throat. He forced it all up until there was nothing but stomach acid left, still convinced that there was more and he just had to get it out so that he didn't get fat. He wished he could just throw everything up, all the fat enveloping his body. Instead there was just blood, and more than usual. He stopped at this point for a moment, his vision patched and his body feeling concave within. He sat back and leaned against the door, coughing hard until he heard a knock against it.
'Yuri, are you okay?' Otabek's voice drifted in, and Yuri realised that the shower probably hadn't been masking the noise of him gagging violently.
'Leave me alone!' He called through the door, his voice raw and throaty. 'I'm fine!'
He barely got these words out before the coughing overtook him again, and with this came more blood. He stared at it in the palm of his hand for a moment, uncomprehending and nauseated by it. He stood up and hurriedly washed his hands, then leaned over the sink and stared at his face in the mirror. His skin was pale and sallow, contrasted only by his red-rimmed eyes and his damp cheeks from tears. Involuntarily this time, he threw up again, his stomach unsettled from being starved for so long and then crammed with food, only to have it forced back up again. He curled up in a ball and prayed that he would get through this. It truly felt like he was dying the way his heart was leaping irregularly this way and that and his body had turned cold. It felt like he was already dead. Was it possible to be both alive and not living at the same time?
'Yuri, please,' Otabek's voice was desperate now, and he pounded on the door. 'Just let me in.'
The way he worded it was almost amusing; Otabek wanted to be let into the bathroom, but for that to happen Yuri would have to let him in emotionally as well. He already had partially, but this was the darkest part of him that he couldn't allow anybody to see. He splashed cold water on his face to wash away the tears and dispel the colourlessness of his cheeks.
'You should go,' He spoke only just loud enough that Otabek would hear it.
'You know I can't do that.'
He brushed his hair from out of his eyes and reviewed the situation. He didn't want Otabek to see him like this, but neither did he want to stay in there any longer the way he was feeling. He wanted to go to bed and sleep off his guilt and self hatred so that when he woke up he was hungry again. He just wanted that feeling back, of being so starving it hurt to suck his stomach in. He wiped his eyes with a flannel in an attempt to get the swelling to go down, but it was no use. He looked horrific and there was no way around it. It took great courage to open the door, and even then he did so with no haste. The second it was cracked open enough that he was visible, Otabek pulled him out and inspected him closely, brushing a hand against his blotchy, tearstained cheeks.
'Why would you do that to yourself?' Was all he could ask, and Yuri could detect a hint of ire behind his façade of understanding.
'You wouldn't understand,' He whispered, stepping away from him and dragging the back of his hand across his forehead. 'You don't know what it's like.'
'You're right, I don't. Tell me what it's like.'
'I want to sleep,' He announced and walked down to his room, crawling under his duvet and pulling it right up to his ears like it could conceal the horrors he was inflicting upon himself. He always told himself he was nowhere near sick, but now that somebody was seeing into what he spent so long hiding he realised how messed up it was. It didn't mean he'd stop doing it; he just had a slightly different perspective of it now. Otabek sat beside him and stroked his hair, threading his fingers through it and gently combing out all the tangles.
'You don't have to stay,' Yuri mumbled sleepily, blinking slowly up at him.
'I know,' Otabek smiled softly and remained exactly where he was. 'When did you last eat?'
Yuri felt he owed him something for his time- the truth, or anything that would make this seem less pointless and embarrassing.
'Just before you picked me up. I threw it all up though.'
'And before that?'
'I don't know,' He was lying; he kept an exact record in his mind of how long he went without eating. It was a twisted point of pride to have the hours, then days clocking up. 'A few days ago, I guess.' He understated it considerably so as not to procure too much anxious fretting.
'Days?'
'Yeah. Well, I binged right before so the first three days don't even count.'
'It was more than three days?'
Yuri groaned when he realised he'd let slip too much and sat up, leaning back against the headboard.
'Maybe it was more like seven,' He admitted, not really seeing the point to lying anymore. Besides, he had a weird liking for the way Otabek looked horrorstricken. Saying it out loud made him sound much sicker than he was- what he didn't say was that he was craving food the entire time and had almost weakened multiple times. He also didn't bring up the fact that he wasn't thin enough that it made any difference to him.
'That's why you've been fainting.'
'Really?' He retorted sarcastically, ice lining his words.
'I'm just trying to get my head around it.'
'There's nothing to get your head around; I'm just losing a bit of weight, it's not a big deal.'
'Not a big deal? Are you kidding me? Most people just work out and eat healthily, you're starving yourself for days on end. This could kill you!'
'Tragic,' Yuri snapped drily. 'At least if it kills me, I'll know I died sick enough.'
'For real? You're-'
The tension was broken when Yuri's phone began to ring.
'It's been doing that nonstop,' Otabek picked it up and handed it to him. 'You should answer.'
It was his mother, unsurprisingly. He had in excess of twenty missed calls. The second he picked up, she was on the line having what seemed to be a panic attack.
'Yuri, is that you? Are you okay? Are you alright? Do you need me to-'
'Chill. I'm at home,' He answered with a disinterested tone. 'Just didn't want to stick around.'
'But your teacher said he saw you getting into a stranger's car!'
'Yeah, Otabek drove me home.'
'Oh, thank god.'
'Sorry I didn't stay.'
'That's okay, sweetheart. I'm just glad you're safe. I'll be back soon and we can talk.'
'We can talk tomorrow- Otabek's still here.'
'What time's he leaving?'
'I don't know, but I want to get an early night.'
'Okay. I'll see you soon.'
'Bye,' He hung up and threw his phone across the room upon seeing how many texts he had from stupid people asking if he was okay after registration. 'Oh god... I should have never let myself pass out. Now everybody knows and- Jesus, I'm so fucking stupid!'
For the second time, Yuri began to ugly-cry in front of Otabek. Otabek gathered him up into his arms, scared by how breakable he felt and how small his waist was. He could probably fit his hands round it if he tried. Yuri cried for a little while longer and he just held him, unspeaking and rocking him back and forth to calm him. Once he was placated, Yuri squirmed away. It felt weird to be so close to Otabek- he didn't want him to think he was weird or anything.
'Sorry, I'm being pathetic. I suppose throwing up does that to you,' He laughed mirthlessly. 'You can honestly go now. Don't worry about me- you don't know me.'
'I'd like to,' Otabek fixed him with a steady gaze, and he blushed a deep magenta colour. 'I'm glad I met you, because now I can help you.'
'I'm not fixable,' Yuri whispered, quickly looking away. 'So please don't try.'
'I'm going to. I know where you live now, so I'm going to sneak into your room in the middle of the night and force came down your throat.'
'I don't even like cake!'
'Okay, what do you like?'
'Uhh... I like- liked- piroshki.'
'The Russian thing?'
'Yeah. My grandfather's Russian and he always used to make them. I don't really see him anymore since flights are mad steep.'
'I'll learn how to make piroshki, then, and I'll force them down your throat.'
'I won't swallow them.'
'Mm, you need me to teach you to swallow?'
Yuri's eyes flicked back up and he met Otabek's eyes, his jaw dropping and the blood rushing from his face. Was this guy coming onto him or something?
'Christ, not like that!' Otabek shoved him lightly on the shoulder, humour making his eyes shine. 'Get your mind out of the gutter.'
'You said it, not me...'
'I said it with entirely innocent intention.'
'And not so innocent connotations.'
'Am I not allowed to flirt with you?'
'No! That's... Gross.'
Otabek grinned and rolled his eyes, but the joke ended there and nothing more was said of the matter. They talked about for a while- they talked about childhood, growing up, school, refreshingly normal things that made Yuri long to have that kind of simplicity in his life once more. It ended up getting late ridiculously quickly, and soon Otabek had to go (his parents didn't worry because he was sensible, but he was scared of driving in the dark after hitting a squirrel whilst learning- this story made Yuri laugh for minutes on end). Yuri watched him driving away from his window and wondered what he was doing talking to somebody so platonically out of his league, but he couldn't answer his own question. This was unchartered territory for him and for once he wasn't afraid to go exploring.