Learning To Count(Otabek x Yuri) [boyxboy]

Chapter Six

After watching Yuri sleep became boring and slightly obsessive, Otabek carefully slipped away from him and went upstairs to bring him a duvet to maintain his warmth. Once in Yuri's room, he got quickly sidetracked by the trinkets and tchotchkes on his windowsill. He picked up a minute jar of glitter, half the size of his little finger and labelled 'Pixie Dust'. He twisted out the cap and tipped a little onto his fingers, inspecting it and holding it up to the light. He rubbed his finger against his thumb to dispel it, and it flickered as it fell to the floor. Next he picked up a tattered old photo, one that was fading to yellow. It was a garish scene that, upon inspection of the cursive script scrawled on the back, was from a year and a half ago. He flipped it back over and stared at the picture once more. It was of Yuri holding an ice cream on a beach and sticking his tongue out. He looked happy- he looked healthy. What had changed since this photo and then? Where his eyes had used to be bright and laughing, they were now sunken, dark and subtended by bags the colour of storm clouds. In the picture, he was a normal weight. His legs didn't look like twigs, his wrists weren't so tiny they might snap any second and his cheeks were filled out, slightly pink from the sun. He slowly put it back down, his hand shaking a little. Why had everything become so awful for him in so short a time? There wasn't really any way of helping Yuri if he didn't know where all of this stemmed from, but he didn't know how to find out. It would be useless to attempt to probe it out of him as he was an expert at clamming up, and he would probably start crying anyway- a sight that never failed to tug on Otabek's heartstrings. He searched the room with his eyes for any clues, but found nothing. What had he expected- a notebook labelled 'why I hate myself and became anorexic'? Frustrated by the situation, he sat down on the bed and put his head in his hands. He felt so powerless, and it certainly wasn't a position he enjoyed. He always knew what to do; he'd always been able to help people. Surely he could do it again now. When he returned downstairs, Yuri was sitting up and yawning, rubbing his bleary eyes and smiling at him slowly.
'Hey,' His voice was lower than usual and caught in his throat.
'Feel a bit better?' Otabek sat down next to him, realising he'd clean forgotten to bring the duvet and it had been a wasted trip.
'Much better,' Yuri nodded, wincing as it felt like his brain was hitting against his skull. 'How long was I asleep?'
'I don't know. An hour, maybe. Do you want some food?' Otabek knew it was a loaded question, but it was past his lips before he could stop them. Yuri shook his head silently, not bothering to offer an excuse this time. He just lay back down and stared up at the ceiling, tracing the cracks with his eyes. His shirt had ridden up to expose his harshly protrudent hipbones and his stomach that was terrifyingly concave. It was honestly scary to see him looking like this, like he would crumble with just the slightest touch.
'You have to eat,' He tried desperately to keep the pleading tone from his voice, but it was to no avail. Again, he received no reply.
Yuri laid his hand against his stomach, feeling how swollen it was from the alcohol he had ingested. When he pressed it, it felt solid and he assumed it was turgid from liquid calories. Otabek trying to persuade him to eat was only making matters worse and reminding him that he should have kept his mouth closed as usual and not let himself be weak enough to get fatter. He couldn't formulate an answer that would excuse his lack of appetite, because even as he shook his head solemnly his stomach growled loudly.
'I don't care if you want to or not,' There was an edge to Otabek's voice he hadn't heard before and it made him feel more than a little threatened. He couldn't handle being coerced into eating because he was so damn weak that he'd end up eating everything and feeling terrible about it- quite rightly so- for days after. Once he started eating, he couldn't stop and he'd find it impossible to get back into the mindset of starving himself. He had no self control around food and this was possibly something he hated more than his body. He had a terrible relationship with both his image and his lack of restraint. He tried as hard as he could to fall back asleep so as to avoid eating, but try as he might his brain was now working overtime to tell him he couldn't eat and it refused to switch off for even a moment. Otabek returned with slices of apple and set it down on the coffee table, sitting down next to him and pulling him gently into an upright position.
'I'm not eating it,' Yuri stated firmly.
'Yuri, it's just-'
'No, to you it's just an apple. You don't see it like I do; you can eat things without hating yourself for it, you can see yourself as you are in the mirror, you can wake up in the morning without thinking about how exactly you're going to starve yourself today!'
'I know it's hard for you, but you have to try!'
'Why the fuck would I want to try? I don't think you understand that the only thing I'm trying to do is lose some weight; I don't want to get better.'
'Why?'
'Because my mind is sick, not my body! My mind is who I am, and who I am is somebody who wants to lose weight. You understand the word want, right? I just want to be thin!' Yuri stood up, his head spinning and tears squeezing from his eyes as he shouted. He didn't mean to be so harsh, but it needed to be said. He was sick to death of people trying to make him 'better' when he didn't want recovery in the first place.
'Even if it kills you?'
Yuri could tell Otabek said this with the intention of shocking him, but he hadn't anticipated the answer.
'Even if it kills me. God, it would be a relief if it killed me. Then at least I could say I was really sick.'
'Do you really mean that?' Otabek asked quietly, tears in his eyes now too. Yuri hadn't been thinking straight when he'd said it- all he'd been thinking about was getting him to leave him alone, but now that he was so visibly upset he felt awful. 'Do you really, honestly mean that?'
Yuri nodded again wordlessly, tears dripping from his cheeks and splashing onto the carpet. He walked forwards and allowed Otabek's arms to mantle around his small frame, resting his head on his solid chest and taking a deep, shaky breath.
'I'm sorry,' He whispered, not trusting his voice not to crack if he spoke any louder. Otabek held him tighter and rocked him from side to side, the gentle swaying rocking him closer to calmness until the tears finally ceased and he was able to stand on his own. They untangled awkwardly and Yuri dropped back onto the sofa with a heavy sigh. He didn't really know what he was doing anymore, but his barriers were beginning to weaken and the apple was starting to look appetising. He had to get himself away before he was pathetic and weak-willed enough to- he picked up an apple slice and held it up to his face, inspecting it. An apple was barely any calories, right? And he could surely make up for it by starving for the next 48 hours. Otabek rejoined him on the sofa, not uttering a word. Instead, he put a reassuring hand on his back, rubbing up and down to comfort him. Yuri put the apple to his lips, but still he did not bite into it. When he breathed in he could taste the sweetness and it was intoxicating to his starved mind that screamed at him both to eat it and to run a mile. The weaker side was appealing to him by claiming that a single slice of apple couldn't hurt, but he knew this was a lie. That one slice would lead to two and soon he'd have eaten all of it. An entire apple of this size was roughly 81 calories, which was 81 calories too much. He couldn't help himself though; he bit into it, closing his eyes as he did so in order to savour the succulent taste as much as he could. It took real courage to swallow it, but after that it was easy. His binging, lazy side took over and he ate two more slices as quietly as he could, feeling embarrassed to be eating in front of somebody, especially Otabek.
Otabek was inexplicably glad to see Yuri eat something for the first time, even if it was just something tiny. It was a step in the right direction and that was all he needed to see. Yuri finished the third slice and pushed the others away, his eyes flashing with pain. He looked up and Otabek met his eyes. They were shining with a tangible agony, one that Otabek couldn't stand to see. He laced a hand through his long blond hair, tangling his fingers into it without really thinking about it.
'What are you-?'
'Was that so hard?' Otabek murmured, their faces so close Yuri could practically feel his breath hot on his lips. Their proximity was giving him pangs of anxiety and it was beginning to make him feel weird, like his stomach muscles were knitting together and twisting inside of his skin.
'H-horrible,' He stammered, unsure of what to do in a situation such as this one.
'Can I try something?' Otabek inched a little closer, his eyes searching Yuri's for something he could not fathom.
'I... Yeah.'
Then Otabek's hand inched further round his head and drew him in closer until their lips touched and Yuri felt his insides revolt. Otabek's taught posture softened as he put a hand either side of Yuri's waist and pressed his lips firmer against his mouth. Yuri stiffened, every muscle in his body going tight and paralysing him to the spot as Otabek's mouth slowly coaxed his own open. This wasn't quite what he had expected. It didn't feel bad, necessarily, but then it didn't feel good either. It just felt strange, because he'd never been kissed by a boy before. Otabek gently pulled away and rested his forehead against Yuri's, the both of them breathing hard and pink in the cheeks.
'No,' Yuri picked his head up and folded his arms across his chest awkwardly as if in the hope that they would protect him from any other advances.
'What? You kissed me ba-'
'No, I'm sorry, I can't- I can't do this. You should go.'
Otabek gave him a last confused and dejected look before disappearing out the door without a further word. Yuri felt terrible about his forced abrupt departure but he couldn't handle what had just happened. He touched a finger to his lips, feeling how sharply they tingled like they'd been infused with an electric current of their own. It was probably due to how electrifying that kiss had been for him and how much he had enjoyed it, whether or not he would admit it to himself. Otabek's mouth moving against his own, his hands on his waist- it was all so intoxicating and far too much. It teetered dangerously close to making him happy, and this contentment filled him with a bone-deep fear because with happiness often came self acceptance and he would rather be thin and miserable than 'healthy' and happy. He couldn't allow that to happen; he was comfortable residing in utter misery. It was all he knew, and it was all he had.