Muse

Twenty-One ~ Smudge

Smudge | smej | noun; a blurred or smeared mark on the surface of something: a smudge of blood on the floor.- New Oxford American Dictionary.

Chapter twenty one; smudge

"That was an amazing service. The worship team was just so great this week." My mom tries for conversation on the way back from church but I remain silent, my thoughts somewhere far away as I watch the trees and houses fly by in a blur. "But then again, I seem to say that every Sunday don't I?" She laughs.

I give her a small smile and a nod but keep my mouth closed.

It's not that I'm upset or moping around because there's really no reason for that. It's more like all I do is think and I just can't seem to stop. I walk around like some zombie and every day passes; memories of the hours a blank in my mind. It's like I'm a broken record.

Eat, sleep, nod, smile and start over.

It really shouldn't be this complicated. But every time I tell myself to just pick up the phone and call him my mind spazzes out and I can't think of anything to say whatsoever.

I even did it once. He picked up and as soon as I heard his voice I freaked and hung up. End of story.

I sigh, my mind wandering and scattering into a million different places.

"Call him and quit your sulking. We all know you like him so just get over your pride and do it."

My head snaps in my mother's direction, my cheeks turning scarlet when Ray chuckles in the back seat. Great, the one Sunday he finally decides to get his butt to church it happens to be today of all days.

"Mom." I groan, my head hitting the headrest hard. I bring my hands up to my face to cover up the embarrassment. "It's not that easy."

"Come on, Lovely. You know it is." A voice from the back pipes up.

"What do you know, Ray?" I snap at my brother before closing my mouth tightly to restrain from saying anything else.

"Well for one, I have a girlfriend."

"She made the first move." I stick my tongue out at him in defiance.

He smirks, a dark eyebrow raised. "How do you know?"

I gasp, looking over at my mom who just laughs and shakes her head. "You're despicable."

"And you're single."

Let's just say that the rest of the ride is spent in angry silence.

* * * *

For the rest of the day I ponder over what my mom and Ray said. But overall I can't seem to get Lila's words out of my head.

I know I'm being a coward and if I want something I should just go for it. But it's not like he's made any moves to talk to me either...then again; if it's as difficult for him as it is for me at this moment then I get why.

So for the millionth time I pick up my phone, his contact glaring up at me. Beckoning.

I bite my lip, my thumb hovering over the button. Just one touch away...

Buzz

The phone vibrates and I jump where I am, almost dropping the thing.