Journey in My Mind

Losing My Grandmother

Since this book has been a refuge camp for all of my darkest moments I wanted to add this experience in here in hopes that it might help someone who lost a relative in understanding their emotions.

DAY 1:
I had just come back from school ready to unleash the tears, as my day had gone in a bad direction. I rang the bell waited with my brothers until somebody opened the door.

My father had blood shot eyes and I came to the conclusion that someone past away when my mom asked us to sit down. I had expected something like this as my grandfather had recently undergone surgery, he had multiple accounts of strokes, and I had somehow in a minuscule way had prepared myself. When I asked if my grandfather had passed away I was met with a negative, and then my father shaking told me that my grandmother had passed away.

My life froze for a second, I could not believe what he was saying. I was crying and shocked. I didn't know what to say, I thought any moment now somebody is going to say HaHa it was just a prank. I still think like that. I can't believe it. The day stretched out with many tears. I didn't get to talk to my mom properly as she left for a flight to my home country a few minutes later.

My brothers and I spent most of the day huddled up together trying to console one another. I had to be strong so I did not cry until the end of the day where I was on my own.

Day 2
I woke up feeling numb, not sure if that means I am still shocked or if I have come to accept her death. That day I kept on remembering all the great memories.

When I was a child I was still undergoing potty training, and so naturally I peed on myself. Me being myself, I wiped all the pee with tissues and went to tell my mom how I made life easy for her by spreading my pee everywhere. To put it simply I was almost killed, my grandmother saved me. She calmed my mom down. That is the first memory I have of her.

My favorite thing she ever taught me was strength. She had endured every thing that life threw at her, and still managed to smile and be kind. I couldn't grieve properly because I had exams. I had to study hard though, the last thing she ever told me was that she wanted me to graduate with great marks.

Day 3
I started to feel angry with myself for not talking to her as much as I should have. I feel tired but I continue to study. That day I had to meet people, my friend Ayiah asked everyone not to talk to me. I'm glad she did that because I would have spent the day crying and would probably have failed the test. I got lots of hugs that day, which helped making me understand that I did not have to go through this alone. That I had people to catch me if I fell.

Day 4
I watched the videos of my grandmothers funeral. I am at loss of words. I felt like I know she is in a better place, but yet the selfish part of me wishes she is still here. My friend Alaa keeps checking up on me, which helped me with the emotional support.

Day 6
I feel nothing but everything at the same time. I want to be a better person, I keep on remembering my last night with her. It was summer and she had rented a house near ours. I decided I wanted to stay over, we sat outside on the balcony. The stars where like tiny pieces of glass shattered along the universe.

I told her about my life and my fear of moving on. She gave me advice about how I need to be who I am, love what I do, and always be kind. The world needs kind people, there are to many of those who will step on others just to get what they want. Live with honor, love, and family. Those are some of the things she taught me.

Although I won't get to spend time with her anymore, I still feel like she is around.

P.S: I thought the world would stop turning when I heard that she passed away. That life would press on pause, but it didn't. People lived, laughed, and continued on with there lives. It was hard for me to process how they where continuing when I could barely be.

❤️ Don't forget to cherish those you love, and forgive those who hurt you ❤️
-Taima47