Misguided

Chapter 11: How Can We Fix This?

The next days to follow bought along hurt and pain, both in the figurative and literal sense.  Along with Tanya's emotional handicap, her body started with the miscarriage.  It was almost as if it was activated once the doctor confirmed what had already transpired within. 

She thought she would have been mentally prepared as she sat in the car and cried for what felt like forever when she left her appointment.  She had even taken the time to read through the pamphlets from the doctor, google images, and researched online about other people's experiences and what the passing would look like. 

Her knowledge went out the window as Tanya lost all control when she saw the amount of blood and clots, and endured hours of cramping from the contractions, as she delivered the small sac and tissue.   She couldn't wait for the follow- up appointment.  The mixture of pain and nervousness gave her such anxiety that it prompted her to head straight to the emergency room to let the medical professionals handle it. 

When the fetus was passed, Tanya scooped it up and held onto it until she felt the courage to let go.  She watched as the doctor carried it away, and let her tears fall.  Once the ordeal was all over, it was almost as if the small being never existed. She would have to learn to live with the fact that a piece of her was disposed of as medical waste, which was already proving hard.

What seemed to hurt worse was knowing that she went through the miscarriage alone, not once hearing from Jamal.  She would have eventually told him she was pregnant, but since this was the outcome, she could not and would not make any effort to reaching out to him first. 

She silently thanked God, for the compassionate nurse who was on shift that night.  She came in and spoke with Tanya, offering her an important memento as a keepsake... A certificate for her baby.  She also encouraged Tanya to call and talk with someone who could offer her some comfort and support.

She couldn't call her mother, because she wasn't ready to tell her about the whole fiasco, and then have to go into the specifics of the rollercoaster ride she and Jamal had been on.  After debating who was best to contact, she called the one person who never passed any judgement. 

Tanya gave Ciara the details of the unfortunate event, and told her when she would be discharged.  Ciara insisted on stopping by, but Tanya refused, explaining that seeing anyone would just make things harder to deal with at the moment.  Being visited in the hospital would be like pouring salt on an open wound, constantly reminding her of why she was there in the first place. 

***

Days later, Ciara tried reaching her best friend to no avail.  The last time they spoke, Tanya was on her way home and rejected her company again.  Ciara made it her responsibility to stop by Tanya's place and didn't care how much she objected.  It was her duty as a best friend, and she did not want Tanya slipping into a deep depression. 

Ciara knocked on the front door, trying hard to balance the items in her hand.  She heard muffling in the background, and then Tanya shout out, "Go away!"

I know this girl is not being rude, Ciara thought to herself.  "Tanya, open this damn door..."  she hollered back. 

Tanya knew that tone well.  Trying to be slick, she decided to go silent figuring Ciara would just leave.  She didn't want to deal with anyone at the moment, and definitely didn't have the time for a testy attitude. 

Ciara searched her bag for the spare key that was given to her in case of an emergency, and pushed her way through the door.  She saw no sign of Tanya, and made her way to the kitchen placing her belongings on the adjacent bar area.  

Ciara looked around her friends once humble abode, trying to figure out which tornado was forecasted and had ran through.  There were dirty dishes in the sink, take out containers everywhere, and empty wine bottles near the evidently full trash can.  As she continued her trek to Tanya's bedroom, she could see laundry piled near the door's entrance.