Misguided

Chapter 10: Flashbacks

"Ow, babe.  That hurts."  Tanya winced, drawing back from her position on the bed. 

He sucked his teeth.  "Man, move over." 

"Babe, really?  I'm sorry.  I'm trying.  I am still trying to get used to this."  Tanya explained. 

"It's been months.  You're always squirming and complaining.  No offense, it's just... Nevermind.  I'll be back."  He said, putting on his shirt and heading out the door. 

Tanya laid there, restless for hours lost in her thoughts.  She just wished he would be more gentle with her.  He was always trying different positions and asking her to do things she didn't feel comfortable with yet.  She wiped her tears and cursed her mind for not allowing her to sleep. 

Tanya closed her eyes when she heard the door open.  She didn't have the courage to face Kuesi just yet.

Although he knew she wasn't sleeping, he got in the bed without addressing her.  He figured she would have wanted to know where he had been, and didn't feel like explaining anything to her. 

They both laid there in silence, until sleep overtook them.  They would deal with each other in the morning. 

That was just the start of the substandard dating spiral Tanya always seemed to find herself in.  At just seventeen, Tanya was a freshman in college and attempting to be in her first relationship.  It was weird for her, because she never was able to explore dating, as her parents had her on a tight leash. 

She groaned inwardly as she thought about how Kuesi would cheat on her, and lie about his whereabouts.  She had even gotten into an altercation once, with a woman he was seeing while still messing around with her, and then proceeded to have a baby with.  There was just so much drama in that relationship, that she felt a sense of freedom once it was over.

The stereo was blaring with songs from Tanya's Heartbroken playlist.  The sounds of Musiq Soulchild and Donell Jones, pacified her sniffles, and Alicia Keys reminded her of her worth. 

She continued to travel down memory lane, as Jazmine Sullivan made her feel like she could bust the windows out of the cars of the men who betrayed her. 

One glass of red wine wouldn't hurt, she thought as She took another sip of Roscato.  She flashed back to the situations she put herself in after Kuesi.  He had messed her all the way up, to the point where she even dated without wanting any attachments.  Her self esteem was low, and she'd thought that if she couldn't get her first few relationships right, why attempt at anymore?

Sometimes, getting rid of expectations got rid of the disappointments. 

She went out with older men, and ones her age, seeing if there was anything different.  Tanya had even thought her standards may be too high, and didn't exclude men who had children.  Which lead to her dating Jamal. 

She remembered a course she took in college that talked about the cycle of abuse, and wondered if she was a willing participant in the emotionally damaging revictimization of herself.  She was a victim to the joy she felt of being in love, yet each relationship continued to repeat the cycle of tension that would build with her partner, an emotionally wrenching incident, making up, and then a calmness between them. 

When she met Jamal, he made her feel like she mattered.  He listened to her speak, and offered her advice.  They could actually have in depth discussions about real life issues, and he never ceased to amaze her.  He was smart, seemingly loyal, and she felt as though she didn't want for nothing with him.