fools | ᴶᴴˢ × ᴷᴺᴶ

十

ㅡ ❝I'm not giving up.❞

ㅡ

"How am I supposed to be happy when all I ever wanted left me?" Namjoon asked after they spent some moments in silence. Hoseok was still looking up at him and Namjoon just stared back into his eyes. There was so much hurt, and maybe even regret showing in the younger's eyes and it hurt Hoseok so deeply. The knowledge that he was the cause for all this pain made his heart clench painfully and the guilt rising, flooding his whole body once again. He felt bad, really bad and so guilty. Though, he remembered himself that he had left Namjoon for his own good. But, now that he saw Namjoon's pain once again and this time so close, he started to question his previous decisions. Maybe he should have never left the younger. Maybe the younger had been alright all along. Maybe, but Hoseok hadn't been alright. He had been so terribly afraid of losing the younger, and then he realized that leaving Namjoon had been the most selfish act he could have ever pulled. He did regret leaving Namjoon so terribly much, but there was still this voice at the back of his telling him that it had been the right decision.

But, it had never been the right decision, he knew that now. He had allowed himself to be fooled by his feelings, which had been clouded by a form of darkness he thought he had gotten rid of a long time ago. Namjoon had helped him back then, been there for him and Hoseok had needed him all this time along. He still needed Namjoon so much and suddenly the knowledge of not being with Namjoon anymore hurt him even more. The knowledge that Namjoon was unhappy because of him was something he could never forgive himself for, even if Namjoon would ever find his happiness again.

Hoseok brought up a hand to Namjoon's right cheek, caressing it as he felt hot tears welling up in his eyes. The pain which was displayed so openly for him to see was too much for him to take. He needed to see a smile on the younger's face. Namjoon still looked into his eyes and Hoseok got the feeling that Namjoon needed to look at him, as if Hoseok would vanish the moment he dared to look away. Was he really that important to the younger? After all the pain he had caused him? Hoseok let out a soft sigh, trying his best to smile at the younger. A tear finally made it down his cheek, but was stopped by Namjoon's hand before it could drop off his chin. Hoseok closed his eyes, leaning into the touch of Namjoon's hand against his cheek. He loved the warmth of it and his heart longed for more, for this warmth to never come to an end.

He wanted it back. He couldn't live without the younger's warmth any longer. He didn't only need his warmth, but also his soothing words, his kisses, the hugs he would receive, simply everything that made Namjoon who he was.

It was hard for Hoseok to ignore the voice in his head to run away, never come back and leave Namjoon the hell alone, to make room for whoever was gonna make him happy for real. But, the pain in Namjoon's eyes and the pain he felt himself convinced him that he couldn't just give up on all of it and run away. He needed to fight for whatever was left between them, he couldn't just lose the rest of it. No matter how small it was, Hoseok needed to get back what he tried to destroy. He wasn't sure if Namjoon would ever forgive him, but he wanted his happiness and he would do everything. He would try and make his way back into the younger's life, maybe make him forgive him, his mistakes and all his flaws.
"Would you take it all back?" Hoseok asked after some time just looking into each other's eyes, his voice raspy. Namjoon took a deep breath in, not looking away from Hoseok.
"I don't know." The younger whispered after some time, his gaze leaving Hoseok's for the first time. In that very moment Hoseok's world was about to shatter once again, falling into a deep darkness of which he was certain to never be able to crawl out again. "But, the truth is I can't live without it." Namjoon continued, his head falling to the side against the backrest of his couch. Hoseok continued caressing the younger's cheek. He watched as Namjoon closed his eyes and sighed. "I can't. I just can't, but I also can't let it hurt me again." He let his head forward until his forehead met with Hoseok's. Hoseok closed his eyes, tears running down his cheeks.

What was he supposed to do? He had hurt Namjoon deeply, so why should the younger ever take him back? Hoseok could only hope.

"I'm sorry. I truly am." He muttered. He then suddenly shot his eyes open as he felt the younger's lips against his own. Namjoon was kissing him and Hoseok was overwhelmed by the sudden feeling of warmth that flooded him. He had had no idea how much he really missed the younger until now. Now he knew he could never give up on the younger ever again. He wrapped his arms around Namjoon's neck and pulled him closer towards him. Namjoon pushed him back against the couch, hovering over him. For a moment Namjoon only stared into his eyes, but soon their lips were connected again and Hoseok give in to everything Namjoon was about to give him, show him and remind him of.