that thing called cancer · phan

five

"phil! help me, i-" dan gasped for breath, falling to his knees.

phil appeared in front of him out of nowhere in the dark abyss and kneeled down with him, wrapping his arms around the younger boy. dan fell apart in his arms.

phil soon disappeared, and dan's chest was filled with immense pain, not just because of his boyfriend leaving, but because of the harshness of his breath, the pain in his lungs.

he soon fell onto his side on the ground, and just like that, was dead.

-----

dan screamed himself awake. he gasped for breath for a few short moments, and phil was quickly at his side. he was still at the hospital.

"dan..! dan," phil said as he rose from the chair and rushed to the hospital bed. phil's hands were soon on dan's shoulder and face, "what happened?"

dan began crying, "i-you... nightmare..."

"oh, baby..." phil said, wrapping his arms around dan, "it'll be alright."

"you were there a-and, then you disappeared, and i d-died," Dan breathed out, "i'm going to die. i want to go home. what time is it? when can i leave?"

"they figured you were stable enough to live out of the hospital so you get out today," phil said, "well, not yet, it is still only five in the morning, but you get to leave in at least five hours. also, since you start chemotherapy in two days, it'll be okay. the doctor just doesn't want you doing any exercise except for walking, and he said that you need to stay patient and you'll be okay."

"i wanna go home now," dan said, the tears slowing down.

"i know you do but you leave today, dan," phil said, letting go of the embrace and holding dan's hand after pulling up a chair next to the bed, "just try and go back to sleep. you'll be home before you know it."

"did you leave?" dan asked, "when i was sleeping."

"no, i stayed here the whole time, minus when I had to use the toilet," phil said, "i slept, too."

"can you lay with me?" dan asked weakly. His tears had officially stopped and he was calm once again.

"is there room?" phil asked, "there's tubes hooked up to you."

dan sighed, "i don't know... probably not..."

"i'm sorry, danny," phil said, "i don't want to accidentally disconnect them from you."

"it's okay," dan said, closing his eyes and laying down, "i would rather stay hooked up to them as well."

"i'll be waiting here," phil said, "if i'm asleep wake me up. i love you."

"i love you, too, phil," dan said, quickly drifting off again.

-----

dan woke up to phil gently shaking him, "it's ten! it's time to go home!"

he rubbed his eyes and smiled, "yay, home."

they got all their things together and a nurse helped dan unplug from the machines. the boys held hands and walked out of the door after signing out, and they were soon in phil's car.

"i'm tired," dan said.

"once i get you back we can go sleep," phil said, "i texted your mum to let her know we're on our way back."

"okay," dan said, "do you want to come over or just leave when we get back?"

"it's up to you," phil said.

"i want you to stay. i want cuddles," dan said.

"you'll get your cuddles," phil laughed, "just wait about ten minutes and we'll be back."

"yay," dan said again, laughing.

after ten minutes they arrived back at dan's. the second they walked through the door, catherine and will walked toward them with tears in her eyes, "i'm so happy you're okay," said dan's mum.

"me too," dan said, hugging both of his parents while fighting back tears, "i'm sorry."

"don't be sorry, dan," will said, "we're just glad phil was there to bring you to the hospital."

"yes, thank you, phil," catherine said. she was crying now. she pulled phil into the hug.

when the hug ended, dan took phil up to his room. dan immediately lay on the bed, phil joining him soon thereafter. he held dan and kissed his cheek, "i'm so happy you're okay."

"thanks for staying with me the whole time," dan said, "i really appreciate it."

"yeah, no problem," phil said, "i liked staying there, it gave me something to worry about."

"that's a weird way to put it," dan said, "but i really do appreciate it. i'm so happy you're a part of my life."

"me too," phil said, "i'm so happy to be so important to you, because you're so important to me."

"i love you," dan said, kissing phil quickly.

"i love you more."

they ended up falling asleep soon, and once they woke up, they stayed in bed and just talked about life. the meaningless, meaningful, and everything in between.

they pondered their existence in the world and how far they'd come. they talked about how much they loved each other, and contemplated everything else.

they talked about how much cancer sucked, and how much their current situation sucked, but they also talked about how they would get through it.

they fell back asleep eventually. their current situation wore them out.

when they woke up, it was the middle of the night again. they got up, but decided to stay in the house instead of leaving again.

chemo started the day after.

they got cereal and sat at the breakfast bar. they were both on their phones and were scrolling through social medias.

"you know, phil?" dan said, "this thing has really made our sleep schedules really terrible."

"yeah, that's true," phil said, "but at least i get to spend all of my time with you."

"even if this makes me die-"

"stop talking like that-"

"i'm not finished," dan said, "if this cancer thing kills me, i'll be fine, as long as i know i spent my last times - whether it be days, months or years - with the love of my life."

"i love you, too," phil smiled, "but you're not going to die anytime soon."

"what if i do die, phil?" dan said.

"well, for starters, i would be devastated," phil said, "you know i really don't like you to talk like that."

"i know, phil," dan said, "i just... i'm just trying to be realistic."

"i know," phil sighed, "continuing on, i would be devastated. i'd have no idea what to do with myself. even thinking about it hurts, even though you're right here with me. i can't even fathom how it would feel to lose you."

dan leaned on phil's shoulder then, and phil wasn't trying his damnedest not to let out any tears. he and dan were both in a terrible situation - mostly dan - and phil figured crying and showing his weakness would only make everything worse.

phil just leaned his head on dan's and wrapped an arm around his boyfriend. he loved him so much he couldn't even describe it. god, he was just so happy that dan was a part of life.

and even though dan was going to get treated soon, phil was still terrified about losing him.

he would be so lost without him.

/a/n idk sorry i guess

have a good day/night

-eemmiillyy