Frerard One Shots

Death Is My Lover

#2

Death Is My Lover
*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I've figured out that death sounds more peaceful than life. With death you don't have to worry, be sad, get angry, stress, anything. Life is complicated, disappointing, almost not worth it.

Death is what I want. It's like when you can't wait to just lay in bed and sleep all night after a long, hard day.

I can't wait to lay in my death bed after a long, hard life.

I know, 18 years isn't exactly long, but it is to me. I'm just sick and tired of everything.

No, I'm not homeless or poor, I don't get bullied or picked on. I'm just depressed and I've lost hope.

I learned that hope is the key to survival.

Hope is what keeps you going. Hope is what kept me going when my parents split. Hope is what kept me going when Frank rejected me. Hope is what kept me going when Mikey left with Dad. Hope is what kept me going after I nearly lost everything that mattered to me.
I lost hope when I saw Frank with a girl.

I kept going though, even though next to nothing mattered to me anymore,'I kept going. I basically had no emotion. I was just simply... numb.

I sat back as I watched my world spiral out of control. I never inflicted pain on myself, I never inflicted pain on another person. Who was there to even hurt? My mom? I could never do that. Frank wasn't my friend anymore and Mikey wasn't there to help me. Mikey was gone.
Frank was gone.
Those were the only two people that meant more to me than life itself. And they were gone.

I couldn't find it in me to use my love for Frank as an excuse to stay alive anymore. Love is not hope, hope is not love. Love never truly helped me in life.

I couldn't keep using the excuse of: 'He'll like me one day.' to help me through. I realized that I was just messing with myself, I was just trying to find a way to stay in this hell I called life.

Everyone got more and more distant from me. My mother would barely even talk to me, look at me. She was never home often and left me to feed myself, it was hard considering she never bought much food.

Frank wouldn't even look at me anymore. He wouldn't say 'Hi' like he would after he rejected me. He would walk along to hallway and completely ignore me. I know he saw it though. He saw me getting worse. He saw that I was slowly rotting and becoming what he and I thought I would never become.

The fact that Frank could sit back and watch me become that is what did. He was my best friend, the guy who hated seeing me cry, the guy who would help me no matter what, the guy who cared. Well, there I was. He could've helped me, he could've cared. He didn't.

So, that's what brought me to that. Suicide.

After school on a Friday, I walked home extra slow that day. Taking in the sprinkle of the rain and the nice breeze. I looked at every house, asking myself if I would miss any of this. My answer was no.

When I got inside my house, I wrote a note. I felt like it was the right thing to do.

So, I wrote.

Whoever this may concern,

I couldn't live another minute longer, I lost all hope.

I just become a sad, hallow shell of the happy boy I used to be. No one noticed. Because no one cared.

Hope is survival, I lost it all.

-Gerard

It wasn't anything special, but neither was I.

I dug in my mom's closet and found the gun she kept in there.

I checked to see if it was loaded, it was. I smiled at the weapon, the first smile to appear on my face in two years.

I pressed the barrel of the gun against my temple and whispered, "Goodbye." I pulled the trigger with my index finger and squeezes my eyes shut.

That was the end of it all, my life wasn't a happy ending, it was barely even happy.

Hope is all it would've taken to save me.

Death is a lover, my lover.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Sorry it's all sad and such.

xoCrashFire