AfterDark's BDSM Project

BDSM AND WHAT IT ISN'T

In literature BDSM is often portrayed as abusive and abnormal and I'm not even talking about Fity Shades; I'm talking about a lot of books on Wattpad. Male characters are typically dark and brooding with some type of backstory that have something to do with sexual assault or some other form of abuse, and the female characters typically revolve around the same trope only they're completely naive, shy, and oh so innocent.

First things first: stop.

When writing BDSM it is important to understand that:

It is not abuse. Consent is a must. Always. Even when two characters are acting out a non-consent sexual fantasy - they have already consented to what would happen in the fantasy beforehand. And if one party wants to stop they use a safeword.

It is not therapy. A man, hideously abused during his childhood, feels that the world is spinning out of control. In order to calm himself, to access his emotions, and to act in a way that does not result in pure self-destruction, he needs to impose order on everything around him. In order to feel alive, he needs to make others around him hurt. What do we call this man? Sociopath comes to mind for me. What do we call his lovers? Victims. Safe, sane, and consensual should be the basis for every relationship and if your character isn't sane, what you doin'?

It is not about sex [all the time]. Notice how in the beginning I referred to BDSM as "erotic practices" and not sexual practices. That's because for many it's simply about the carnal arphrodisiastical feeling that, for example, being suspended from the ceiling can give, not the sexual gratification. Romance can be romance without sex, contrary to popular beliefs.

It is not about romance [all the time]. Chances are you're going to be writing BDSM romance which is absolutely fine, but just be aware that again it's about that carnal feeling that BDSM gives your character, not the feeling they get just because their partner is doing it and they feel like they have to.

So it's not all whips and chains. Sure, some S&M enthusiasts might have these in their arsenal, but it's definitely not everyone's cup of kink. Some people go for what's called 'sensual dominance,' which is where there might be some toys or play but no pain involved at all. BDSM doesn't have to follow any pattern, and there is no one model for what a BDSM relationship can be.

And the last thing that I wanted to point out is that despite everything given above, you don't write any of it. If you want to write an abusive BDSM relationship then go for it - but do not categorize it as romance and make sure that make the abuse a disclaimer, and don't romanticize it.