AfterDark's BDSM Project

Abuse

BDSM includes "intimate activities within the scope of informed consent that is freely given."

Abuse is "physical, sexual or emotional acts inflicted on a person without their informed and freely given consent."

The BDSM Community practices 'safe, sane and consensual' activities. For an outsider, viewing the practices for the first time would associate it with non-consensual activity, rape.

However, BDSM is on the other side of the spectrum when compared to an abusive culture. The former practices the use of safe words and predefined limits which the dominant enforces for the safety of the submissive(s). The latter often is caused due to emotional, physical, mental, anger issues and is not consensual.

Abusive behaviour can be prequel by the following few indicators by either of the parties:

1) ignoring sexual boundaries

2) non-consensual/non-negotiated verbal or physical abuse

3) controlling behaviour, including excessive jealousy

4) unpredictable extreme mood swings

5) substance abuse

6) use of ultimatums and fear to control the victim

7) isolating the victim from family and friends

8) a history of abusive behaviour with close contacts

9) exercising extreme control over their counterparts daily routine

Abusive people often tend to be controlling, manipulative, often see themselves as victims and believe that men have a pre-ordained right to be in charge of all aspects of a relationship.

There is no specific reason as to why a person has abusive tendencies and ordinarily changes from person to person. One view is that batterers are hardened criminals who commit their crimes in a conscious, calculated manner to achieve the dominance they believe men are entitled to. Others believe abuse is the product of deep psychological and developmental scars, which are not gender-specific. More often than not, the abusive behaviour of a person takes the front seat when their partner threatens to leave them.

One batterer who has now gone through treatment, says "the beatings, the verbal abuse, and the intimidation was all about control. It was like having a new toy," he said. "I had the buttons and I could make her do whatever I wanted. I was trying to intimidate her. I wanted to control her for the simple reason that I knew I could do it. It made me feel powerful."

The Abuse Cycle:

Build-Up Phase - The tension builds.

Stand-Over Phase - Verbal attacks increase.

Explosion Phase - A violent outburst occurs.

Remorse Phase - You shouldn't have pushed me, it was your fault!

Pursuit Phase - It will never happen again, I promise.

Honeymoon Phase - See, we don't have any problems!

This cycle concerns actual physical abuse. It does not take into account other forms of domestic abuse that are used to control, such as sexual abuse, verbal abuse, psychological and emotional abuse, spiritual abuse, economic abuse, and social abuse.

Sexual abuse, also termed as molestation, is usually undesired sexual behaviour by one person upon another. It is often perpetrated using force or by taking advantage of another. When force is immediate, of short duration, or infrequent, it is called sexual assault. The offender is referred to as the sexual abuser or molester.