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Puzzlement

P/S: It will be a bit confusing, just as the title suggest. Please take your time when you read and enjoy.

[Kongpope's POV]

It was the third days after running into P'Picture. I woke up in the morning and still feeling low. I never thought that the day would come. And I hadn't done anything to prep myself for that day. I thought it was all in the past.

After 15 minutes waking up, I kept staring at the empty wall in front of me. My mind had been broadcasting the memory lanes of P'Picture and I, putting them on replay. I couldn't escape him even in my dreams (more of nightmares). My skin, my lips, my eyes and every single cells in my body were brought into these phantom sensations of his touches, his strokes, his thrusts, his slaps, his punches, his belts, his...

Stop!!!

I cupped my face as my eyes shed the tears. I flexed my knees and brought them closer to my chest. I rested my head on the folded arms placed on top of my knees. I couldn't understand myself, why I can't forget him. I bit my lower lip and I could feel his thumb stroking it, teasingly. I could feel he's groping my naked-self, exploring every inch of my skin. I felt exhilirating but at the same time disgusted with myself. And I could find his finger prints all over me, marking his own territories.

No!!!

I belonged to Arthit, only. My body, my soul, my heart - all were Arthit's. I love you, P'Arthit. Only you. I burst into another bout of tears. How would P'Arthit see me after this? Would he find me filthy? Untouchables? A flashback of P'Arthit's face after hearing the stories, filled my eyes. The truth just floored him that he remained speechless for minutes. I was not sure what was on his mind. I hoped P'Arthit wouldn't leave me twist in the wind. But I knew, he deserved someone better than me.

I wanted to be the dependable boyfriend for Arthit. I wanted him to always see me; reliable, independent, mature, responsible... Right now, I don't think that image is ever going to be in P'Arthit's mind. He would only see me as this fragile, beaten, dependent, and pathetic kid which would be a burden to him. To take care of me, to protect me, to keep me spirited. I racked my hairs to punish myself for not able to be the perfect man for Arthit while blaring on top of my lungs.

Screaming somehow relieved my burden partially, albeit short-term. My eyes were bloodshed from the tears. I glanced at my morning clock. It was 7:40 a.m. I only slept for less than an hour. It had been sleepless nights for me this few days. Each time I wanted to close my eyes, his images would appear. I am really tired right now. However, be reminded of my class at 9:00 a.m. I muscled myself reluctantly to get off from the bed and head for the bathroom.

Being inside the shower had proven to be more difficult to me. Because most of them happened during shower. P'Picture and I, naked, during shower. My head was throbbing as the memory from the past flowed in like the sprinkles from the shower. The cold water touched my skin felt like flickers of ember. I groaned in pain. I quickly turned the tap off which followed by a squeak sound and the shower stopped.

I panted heavily. If and only if I could take in morphine, I would do it. I didn't mind if I were going to overdose it. I knew how it felt. Slowly, you would realise your brain was shutting down, like in a processor room which each component shut down one by one. Your body felt light and you would wonder whether you were floating on a vast tropical ocean with the background sound of seagull chirping.

Then, your chest began to feel tight as if a heavy metal wrecking ball was crashing on your sternum. All the air inside your lungs were plunged out but none could enter in. You were gasping for your last breath and no word could come out from your mouth. And the last thing you knew, it was dark. No, it wasn't black. It was just dark. No light, not even a particle of it. I knew because I had done it once when I was in the hospital years ago.