A Subs Life (Story 1) ✔️

18-Sugar & Spice

~Caroline~

I felt grief, but there were also other emotions at play that I wasn’t prepared for. For one thing, I was absurdly angry at myself for not calling Sol...angry at myself for failing our baby. Then and now. Even though I had only known for a short time I had had hope, the positive feeling that we were going to bring a person into the world. I’ll never get to know, to have the pleasure and privilege of parenting, and that was that saddest part of it for me. I knew miscarriages happened a lot but I never imagined it would happen to me.

I knew in the back of my mind it was wrong to not inform Sol about my miscarriage. Apparently so did my mother who hadn't stopped chastising me about it since I had gotten to her house yesterday. I could easily call him back-not with my broken phone unfortunately but with my mothers. It had not stopped ringing in the last twenty four hours. She would answer and respond with, 'Oh she is sleeping' or 'She really isn't feeling well right now, Sol.' Even though she knew it was wrong, she was my mother through and through.

Of course I knew Sol would eventually just show up...because he is possessive, territorial and I belonged to him. It was after my mom had brought me a bowl of soup up to my old bedroom when the doorbell rang. Even thoughI knew it was time to give him horrible news I had no desire to do so.

When a quiet but firm knock came at the door I sat up in the bed and pulled my knees closely to my chest. I didn't say anything as the door opened and in stepped my fiance, in all his glory. It was a rare treat to see him in jeans and a leather jacket which is how I knew he hadn't gone into work today. He was so tall, rugged in the best way ever with his sandy blonde hair that he just kept letting grow and grow. But worry etched his pearly blue eyes and my heart clenched. For many long trecherous seconds I just stared across the room at him. For the millionth time I wondered then what our precious angel baby would have looked like.

"You haven't been answering me." Sol finally said. The statement made me laugh brokenly. Bad move on my part for breaking my phone considering I had adored it.

"My phone is broke." I shrugged lazily which took a rediculous amount of energy. I had felt like a weak helpless girl since leaving that damn emergency room and coming here.

"I can buy you a new one." The look on his face was a confused one. Like he wasn't quite sure how to reply to that...I did know he was waiting for an explanation. "Why didn't you tell me you were pregnant, Caroline? What's going on?" He asked me next, still standing by the door. That haunting feeling in the back of my throat came then and I felt sick. Here we go.

"I was pregnant. Not anymore." I tried to hold back the seething torrent of tears that threatened but it was no use. An unsteady stream of hot liquid slid down my cheeks as I watched his handsome face turn up into a frown. I didn't want to say it but I knew that I had to. "I guess my body just couldn't handle it. It's gone...our baby is gone, Sol."

~Sol~

It took me a moment to realize what Caroline was saying. But when I finally did, I went to her. It was painful to see her like this. All I could do was embrace her and let the avalanche of  tears soak through my shirt. I could feel her clench her fists, not knowing whether to be mad or sad. I could hear her silently screaming, suffocating with each breath she took, holding onto her sanity. I ran my fingers through her hair in an attempt to calm the pain in her heart. 'I'm sorry,' Caroline said over and over again. 

It was enough to piss me off. Not at her, or me or at anyone in particular. She needed to know none of this was her fault. It was enough for me to shed my own tears. Easily, I slid from the bed onto my knees and pulled her to the edge. I had never been one to cry but as my lips found her belly a groan of pain tore through me and the gut wrenching sobs that followed was so very unfamiliar. I'm still not sure how long it lasted but finally I looked up at my beautiful goddess who was sniffling softly. The pain in her eyes was undeniable and in that moment I would have given anything to take it away.