Fix Me (A Sidemen Fanfiction)

XLVI

I knew Harry was in Guernsey for the week for his mom's birthday. Lux was staying with Sarah tonight because it was Saturday and he did that every Saturday. (I don't know if that's true or not, but it's just for the story. :)) Freezy would be the only one home, which is why I picked his flat to stay at. He would have an open bed, and he's usually pretty respecting of the whole 'I don't want to talk about it or talk to you at all now fuck off' thing. Ethan would try to make jokes, that I wouldn't laugh at, to make me feel better, Tobi would pry feelings out of me, so Freezy felt like the best choice. "You're so fucking stoned." His voice snapped me out of my thoughts. We were sat in the living room with Chip, who was asleep on the other couch. I was staring at the wall for what felt like five seconds but was probably much longer. I let out a giggle, and found myself smiling weakly at him, my eyes squinted. "You want to be? I can make a phone call and you can get on my level." I laughed again, at nothing really. "I'm good, thanks." He said. "Then I have to let out my stoned thoughts onto you." I said, clearing my throat like I was about to say something professional and important. "You will never remember the memories you have forgotten." I said, looking off into the distance again. I felt myself slipping from reality so I shook my head when Freezy laughed. I stood up slowly. "I need to sleep." I said, running a hand through my messy ponytail. I had already taken my makeup off and put on some football shorts and a hoodie Freezy had given me. "I suggest Lux's room. Harry's is a mess." He said as I walked down the hall. I held up a thumbs up behind me and sighed once I was alone. I plugged my phone up into a spare charger I found on Lux's desk before laying down. I brought my hands together and felt that they were both free of jewelry and rings and tears swelled up in my eyes again. I forced them closed, hoping to wake up to find this was all a dream. But I knew subconsciously that it wasn't, and tomorrow, was just going to be harder.

*Simon's POV*

I gulped when I pulled out the notebook that had been laying under my desk for almost a year, unwritten in and untouched. I thought back my high school years, where I wrote poems and stories constantly and I always had my head down, hand moving quickly across the paper. I would get bullied for doing that. Especially after I had expressed my feelings about one girl in a deep poem that somehow ended up in her locker. I could feel my emotions filling up, almost toppling over. I needed to write. I needed a release. So I let my hand begin to move, my heart controlling it now, not my brain.

*Mackenzie's POV*

•••

I held the papers tight in my shaky hands, reading it over and over. It was Simon's handwriting, just a little bit more rushed. Like he was writing without thinking. Which made sense, if you read it.

I don't know how to stop writing about you, how to stop picturing myself with you, how to stop seeing you behind my eyelids every time I blink.

Maybe you are in my bloodstream, flowing to my heart, reminding it to beat, but it's more likely you are simply every thought that I think.

And I guess this is all there is, and maybe I'm out of luck.

But in the words of the famous Kate Moss, you're in my veins, you fuck. (-KPK. Not me!)

I smiled weakly at that one and placed it beside me as I read the second paper.

You were born to be a rainstorm,
to send your voice throughout the night,
to sing your song with falling raindrops,
to break the darkness with your light.
You were born to show raw beauty,
to wash the dirt out from their eyes,
but the world ran for cover,
when you opened up your skies,
so you made your thunder silent,
and learnt to bite your rainy tongue,
you gave them what they thought they wanted,
but as they watched their lives grow weaker,
watched as their leaves turned brown and dry,
they wished they didn't take for granted,
your booming presence in the sky.
You were born to be a rainstorm,
to be chaotic and be bold,
to show there's beauty in the knowledge,
that you cannot be controlled,
because you might think you're not needed,
life without you is the same,
but nothing beautiful would ever grow,
if it wasn't washed with rain. (-EH. Not me!)

I was surprised with Simon's writing skills. I never knew he wrote poetry. I never knew he was this talented either. I sighed as I dropped the paper from my hand. Freezy had handed them to me this morning, waking me up from my deep slumber. He said Simon slipped them underneath the door sometime in the middle of the night. He also felt the need to stress the fact he didn't read them and wouldn't dare. I missed Simon. It hadn't even been 24 hours since I've seen him and he crowded my thoughts, making me wish he was within arm's length immediately. But he wasn't. And I hated it. I absolutely hated it. I slipped the papers in my hoodie pocket as I got out of bed quickly, ignoring my throbbing head and made my way through the large apartment. I wasn't worried about my clothes from yesterday or what I looked liked. I had brushed my teeth and somewhat fixed my messy bun but other than that I hadn't done much of anything to fix my appearance. "You off?" Chip asked as I entered the living room. "Yeah. Thanks for letting me crash." I nodded at Freezy. He gave me a thumbs up, too focused on what was on the TV to really be bothered. "Good luck getting your man back!" Chip called after me before I slipped out of the apartment. I had my Nike Roshes on from yesterday so I started jogging. I felt the need to hurry, for some reason. I didn't think Simon would be going anywhere anytime soon. At least I hoped he wouldn't. I ordered an Uber when I got into the lift, luckily one was right next door so I didn't have to wait. I felt the nerves begin to kick in when I got closer to home. What if he didn't want to still get married? What if he didn't even want to be together anymore? If those were his feelings, the beautifully written poems he wrote were totally contradictory to that. Once I reached the house I walked up the stairs slowly, trying to form my thoughts into logical sentences. I tried to open the door and it was locked, so I banged on it hard three times. These guys had a tendency to "never hear" people knocking on the door. So I had to make sure they had to. JJ opened it within a couple of minutes and I smiled at him before walking past, not letting him ask any questions or stop me, giving me time to rethink my decision. When I reached Simon's door I took a deep breath before opening it. I was surprised to see him a foot away, maybe, heading towards me. His arm was extended, resting on the doorknob on the other side of the door. My first instinct was to wrap my arms around his waist, and that's exactly what I did. For a second my heart beat out of my chest when he froze. Him not hugging me back told me what I had feared the most. But I had an overwhelming sense of relief when his arms wrapped around me tightly. And for a second it was like nothing ever happened and everything was normal. But sadly, that wasn't the case. I was a selfish bitch, and he was a jealous asshole. After a long hug of silence, both of us dwelling in the other's presence. I pulled away first, swallowing the lump in my throat. "Simon I love you to death. But if you don't want to be with me anymore because I'm a selfish little bitch who will probably never actually grow up and stop feeling sorry for myself I understand. I -" "Shut up." He mumbled, interrupting me. I stood there, my mouth opened, waiting. I didn't know if that was an angry 'Shut up' or not. "But I -" "Shut up." He laughed the words out that time, moving closer and placing a kiss on my lips. Tender yet passionate. Perfect. After the blissful kiss, it was his time to talk. "I'm so sorry I'm an asshat." He mumbled, looking at his feet. I put two finger on his chin and made him look me in the eyes. This time, I didn't want to break the eye contact. "Shut up."