harry potter imagines

030.|| which is which [s.f./n.l.]

******

There are two types of people who can't look you in the eye- someone trying to hide a lie, and someone trying to hide a love.

Yet you still don't know which is which - him or his friend - but all you know is that they share this common mannerism around you. Eyes darting everywhere but yours, mouth opening just to close again, forehead trickling with sweat and heart thumping to the point that their ribs might break. You know they're both nervous, but you're oblivious over the one that made them be. Is it something they have done wrong? Or is it yours? None of you confessed about it, you knew, you knew that something is wrong.

Seamus loves you and you both are aware of that, and you also love him with everything you've got, and that's a lot. Though you always thought that you wanted more of his love, he's also the one who taught you to be content with what you have at the moment. He gazed at you with those eyes of his, catching you mesmerised from them and he can't help but smile at your dazed face everytime he held your face against him. He's the one who made every midnight bright by just sitting with you, wrapping his arms around you and engulfing you in his embrace. He's the one who made every freezing night warm by just leaning in and peppering your face with kisses, lingering on your lips more and making you feel fuzzy- in love.

And by Neville, he's the one you love enough as a friend but not enough as a lover. Though you never noticed it, he's the one who taught you that love is unbearable; he still loved his parents that never took care of him when he was a child, and he never failed to notice the love that remained buried under their insanity, by those little things they gave to him, those candy wrappers that they placed on his open palms that he collected every time he visited them, he never failed to feel the unstoppable love of his parents. Their situation is worse than death, they are forced to live but they are not in their right minds, death is actually easier because after the pain, there's numbness. And in this insanity we're talking about, they are swallowed in pain that they can't stop, they can't bare, and they can't find a way to cure them all. Sure they found a way to stop all those shouts of "Crucio!" to them, to stop the semi-physical pain, but not even the magic of the Wizarding World can't find a way to stop everything. And after that, he learnt to love, to care, and to give another chance.

But remember when Seamus taught you to be content with everything? He taught you to be content with the love he gives you because he's so sure that he'll purposely not give enough.

And that's what he gives you, a half of his heart because he will give the other half to someone else; half of his love because that's the only love left after he gave it to another girl. To another girl he's infatuated, too. He actually never felt love before. Love is understanding but he never understood why you can't give more cuddles for the night because you are doing something important, insisting that he's more worthy of your time than that thing you are spending time to. He never understood why sometimes he must be ignored because it's not always him.

Love is unbearable, along with lust.

But to Neville, it is so precise that he felt love. He never knew the reason why he started to love you romantically, and he's not planning to find out why. He never wanted to think about why he loves you, because he realised that if you love someone with a reason, have ever wondered that once that reason is gone, your love just... disappears? He never asked himself 'why?', instead he just asked himself 'how long?' because he knew that you can't love him that way, and all he can do is just wait for this- this feeling to wear off. He never knew how long his love will be unrequited, and it is a miracle if you just love him that way, but it's like learning to cast an Expelliarmus spell, very long, and exhausting. But just like the said spell, he needs patience and hardwork. But still no, you already have Seamus.

******

Seamus never thought it would be like this.

You just found out about the whole situation. You never felt so disgusted like this before. You're not hurt, you're fucking disgusted, and never forget that you felt betrayed, too. You trusted him, with everything. Secrets, thoughts, heck, even some problems. You took everything calmly, though he can still sense the fact that you want to burst, letting all frustration and fury out. You never cried, no- you dazed off to space, staring at nothing. He expected a screaming match, but no, not even close.

You were just cuddling earlier.

"Seamus."

He faced your figure, eyes painted with worry and curiosity. Something is wrong. He thought. Your eyes flickered to his, not falling for the beautiful hue of his eyes. No, don't fall for that lie.

"So, I heard you've found somebody else."

He sharply sucked in a breathe, his mouth going dry. He never liked confrontations at all. He thought he hid everything just right but he never realise those eyes of his are the ones that are blowing up his cover. His infidelity is screaming at you to wake up and realise that he never loved you anymore, to wake up and realise that you're not the only one for him. To wake up and realise that you have to break this relationship right now.

******

Neville has the chance to ask you out.

It's been a month when he waited for the chance, the chance to be with you, the chance of showing you that he can do so much better than Seamus, the chance of letting him love you without concealing every feelings he had, the chance of loving you.

"[na-[name]?"

Soft eyes darting to his direction, looking through him and his soul without knowing, and he looked away because he just can't say that he loves you when you already knew through his eyes; he knows you never wanted to waste time on learning the things you already knew.

You felt a little hurt when he looked away, it reminded you about people finding someone else, someone better.

But he looked away because he never wanted you to see his feelings, he never wanted you to know how he adores you from afar, the way the little wisps of hair from your braid becomes one with the wind that blew, the way the sun accentuated your face and put a faint glimmer in your eyes that you tried to shield to not look directly from the scorching rays it emits, the way your walk had never been graceful, with little trips that you caught, with occasional wobbles at the steps, the way your beauty is natural but not perfect, and he knows that, you are imperfect and you are happy that you are.

"Umm... Neville? Are you okay?"

He wants to say it now, right now but he can't. He can't betray his friend by just saying hey you know i love you for a while now i wish you know that but i'm wondering if you go out with me despite the fact that my friend cheated on you and he'll be mad because he might feel that i stole you from him; he can't say that, the wound is still fresh and he wouldn't want to rub some salt on it.

"Uhh... nevermind."

He just can't.