It's been a while since I was accompanied by carl that night, I've gotten over my parents divorce, but since I've discovered him I've become isolated.
It's my fault, not his. I haven't made freinds and don't plan on it, the fear of rejection is to much to risk and I can be really sensitive.
It's currently two days into spring break and I haven't left the house, Only to sit on my patio in the backyard to read some book that was lying around. To kill a mockingbird.
It's currently 1:42am. my head has this heavyweight feeling and i can feel the calming breeze drift in through the window why can't my life be normal. why can't i sleep normal. why can't i ever be enough for him or anybody.
why can't i be enough for me.
I must admit carl has made my life better, He's my best freind. He's the only addition to my life that is wanted and accepted.
Someone that's not Is my mother boyfriend. He's manipulative, Condescending and knows exactly how to make himself the victim in any situation.
Just like my mother. No wonder my dad left us, she drove him away and now no longer lets him have contact with me, But its partially his fault for not fighting for his kid.
All of this weighs down the dark part of my brain, and soon I recognize the pitter patter footsteps on the rooftop, covering my arms for the usual cool breeze to rush into my rooms space.
"you sure know how to make a dramatic entrance" unfazed by the pale boy sitting at the foot of my bed, I twiddle my thumbs as I feel the bed shift, him laying down beside me.
"Has your dad even tried to talk to you, love?"
I feel my hair being played with as he stares down at me "No"
"he's so lucky"
he notices my confused features and continues "he's still here, he could take you anywhere, give you anything, I can only fuck up your sleep schedule" he talks down on himself way too much, But I can't help my heart from swellingat his sweet words, yet fall at his self resentment.
"He's not all to blame" our finger interlock as I continue "I wouldn't care about me either"
"not everything you loose is a loss, Your dad was an asshole anyway"
He must know what he's saying, Hes been the eyes of my house for so terribly long, I think back to times I thought I was alone when really he was admiring, or cringing.
"Yeah I've seen you in every state there is sweetheart" he's read my mind once again for the fifth time this week
"that's why I love you so much" my breath hitched in my throat as he admitted this.
"but I wasn't selfish enough to let you die just so I could have you, I want you to have a chance, you're gonna keep going for me"
His cold fingers under my chin brings my face to his "and honey"
"you've always been good enough for me."
A/n:
yes this is cheesy and cringy and a little to deep but it's 2am.
I've had a hard week to far and everything I've written in these last two chapters are my thoughts.
I don't feel good enough and i wish I had someone here for me but I dont.
So i thought a part two would've been appropriate.
follow my ig @funtofantisize or don't, your choice homie.
~ A
