Clopwyck River - revised version

Chapter Twenty-four

I want to disappear, but as that's not possible I decide on the next best thing, and head straight for the damp isolation of the woods. So many things have happened to me amongst these strong trees, it only seems appropriate that I plant myself in the middle of them and hope that moss covers me from existence.
​It's not raining at the moment, but I can feel it approaching on the cold air. The shadows embrace me, the silence punctuated by my squelchy footsteps. I come to a stop at a gnarled fallen tree branch, deep in the heart of the woods. I drag it to the base of a thick tree trunk, making myself a makeshift bench, and I drop myself onto it. I rest my head on the tree, and close my eyes, losing myself in the night time noises of the woods, letting my heart beat in sync with the hoot of an owl, the swish of the trees, and chatter of secretive nocturnal creatures.
​"I found you!"

​I fall off the log and hit my head on the tree, rubbing it as I glare at Ruby.
​"Jeez, Ruby, what's the matter with you? You always go round sneaking up on people?"
​"Nope." She pulls me up straight then sits down next to me, uninvited. "Just you."
​I pull my jacket around myself, shivering against the cold night. "How'd you find me here?"
​"Andrew told me where you were. He said I'd just missed you. And that you were pretty upset."
​"Wow, understatement of the century, Andrew." I can feel her eyes boring into the side of my skull. "I'm really not in the mood for company."
​"I can tell."
​"So, can you, like, leave me alone?"
​"No chance. Sorry."
​"Ruby, please." I rub my eyes, but she's still sitting next to me when I look round. "I really just want to be on my own."
"I know you're upset, but-"
"You don't know anything! I don't know anything! Everything I thought about my life, about my family is just complete bull!"
Ruby shrinks back a little, her voice quiet. "Andrew told me you and Daria had a fight?"
"A fight? Is that what he told you? Well, did he tell you that my entire life has been a fat lie? I'll get you up to speed shall I? Let's see." I hold up my hand and count on each finger. "Lie number one, I wasn't born in Cambridge, I was born here. Lie number two, Daria is not my sister. Lie number three, my dead Mother was not my Mother at all. Lie number four, Daria is actually the person that gave birth to me, so that makes her my Mother. Lie number five, my nephew is my brother, or half-brother. I think that's everything."
"Whoah." Ruby falls back against the tree. "I had no idea....I don't even know where to start with that."
"Exactly, so please, will you just get lost, Ruby?"
"No way, I'm not leaving you on your own."
"Why not? I may as well get used to it. I never wanted to come here. I never wanted to lose my Mum, to live in Daria's house, to have Andrew trying to be nice to me over corn flakes, or you following me around like a puppy. I don't need anyone, I just wish-"
​"Ok, ok, I get it." Ruby holds up a hand and scratches her forehead. "You've just found out that your life isn't what you thought it was. I'm sorry. I really am."
​"You're sorry?" I roll my eyes. "Great, I feel better now-"
​"Ok, you're seriously starting to bore me now, Demi." I roll my eyes again. "And if you roll your eyes any more, you're going to twist them right out of their sockets."
​My mouth snaps shut. I fold my arms and look at Ruby as she sits straight up on the knobbly tree branch. Her eyes stay on my face and when I don't utter a sound, she takes a deep breath and starts to speak.
​"Demi, you've got to get a grip on yourself, on what's just happened."
​"What?"​
"You heard. You've got to get a grip or you're going to get lost and not know how to get back. I know you're hurting. You arrived in Clopwyck carrying a huge loss, shouldering a pain that you try to keep hidden from everyone. You think I don't know that all this stuff with Ben is just one big distraction so you don't have to deal with your own situation?" I look up at her to respond, but she ignores me and carries on. "I can't begin to get my head around what it must be like for you, but you need to help me try to understand. What's just happened to you with your family, what they've said to you or what lies-"
​"They're not my family." I frown at my hands and shake my head.
​"But they are your family, and if you don't see that then you're blind. Ok, so there might be lies." She pauses for a second and looks up, the sleeping heavens sparkling in her eyes. She gets lost up there for a moment, then looks back at me. "Who doesn't have secrets? What family doesn't have a few hidden truths buried deep? Family is the love that you let inside your heart, Demi. Sometimes that love tiptoes inside without you noticing, and sometimes it's like a bulldozer and it breaks down walls without your say so."
Ruby places her hand on her chest, cherishing her own loved ones, and shifts a little further forward in her seat.
"You need to take all of this, your fight with Daria, the lies your Mum told you, and decide what you're going to do and how you move forward. You can choose this route, where you hide in the woods, or you can try to forgive, and attempt to rebuild what you've lost. You're either choosing to live your life in solitary, or to take a journey –a difficult one – with people around you. I'm not saying you should be running into Daria's outstretched arms and forgive her for whatever's happened, but you shouldn't run away from her either. Don't you want to know why she hid this from you? Why your Mum kept it from you?"
​I shuffle up the log, getting closer to Ruby so I can absorb every one of her words so they are just ours. The muscles in my neck fight to swallow the lump that strangles my words.
"I don't know, I don't understand why she would...I can't....I can't forget her, my Mum. It was my fault, all my fault but I-" I take a few deep breaths, my bottom lip trembling as I cry out to Ruby. "I can't let myself remember either; I can't let myself see her, picture her face. I just can't. It's too painful. All these lies...it just makes her....she's not the person I thought she was."
​"You must remember her, Demi, you have to. Your memories are a celebration of her and your life together. You know who your Mum was, Demi; don't deny yourself the memory of her love. Let yourself remember her, every single day."
​That night creeps up my insides, and I squeeze my eyes shut, the sights, sounds, and the smells curling themselves around my body, poised to suffocate me. I can't take it anymore.
"It...it was my fault, Ruby! It was my fault she died!" I look at Ruby, willing her not to say anything, to just let me get this out, and that's exactly what she does. "I was at a stupid party, absolutely pissed and she drove out looking for me. I was hanging around with a these complete idiots, and when she saw what was going on at the party, she just lost it and dragged me out to the car. I was so drunk I couldn't even stop her. She drove off and I was screaming. I don't even know what I was saying- I was just screeching at her."
"I tried to take my seatbelt off and she....she took her eyes off the road to stop me, just for a second. That's when the van hit us."
"Oh, Demi."
"We were both unconscious for a few minutes. I woke up and shook her until her head started lolling around, her eyes blinking open and closed, heavy, like she was tired. I took my seatbelt off and tried to get hers, but it was stuck. I remember screaming, struggling to click it open but it just wouldn't budge. Mum's car was ancient; she should have got rid of it ages ago. I clambered out and ran around the front of the car; I hadn't even noticed the flames at the front. I pulled on the door handle but it....it wouldn't open. She was more with it by then, and she was struggling with her seatbelt, looking at her shaking hands, then staring at me through the window, pleading with me to get her out. Her window was open a tiny bit and I screamed for her to undo it more. She flicked at the button but it didn't do anything. She was panting, getting panicky, smacking her hands against the glass."
"When cars catch fire in films, and there's a massive explosion? It's not like that in real life. It happens slowly. Deathly slow, so you can remember every detail, crystal clear. I'd got my fingers through the window so we could grip each other's finger tips. I don't know what I was doing; I guess I thought I could miraculously pull her out through that tiny crack? She was hyperventilating, from the heat, the panic....I don't know. I pulled my hand from hers, and tried to get the door open again, but the flames got bigger, and louder, and then....then....someone pulled me away, just as.....just as the whole thing....."
​I hug myself, tears plummeting down my face in long threads. Love and pain have taken my voice hostage so I wordlessly reach out and grab Ruby's hand. She turns it around so her palm is facing up, slowly curling her fingers around mine. Squeezing my hand gently, she leans forward so her face is close to mine, and a waft of her apple scented shampoo floats up my nose.
​"It's okay. It's okay, Demi."
​"It's not okay! I should have got her out! I shouldn't have even been at that party! The whole thing, it was all my fault!" I look up, Ruby's concerned face grounding me from the wretched grief that's consuming me from the inside out. I breathe a few times and I can speak without losing control. "I...I...wish it was me instead. I can't be here without her. I don't deserve to be here when she's not."
​"Don't say that, Demi, don't ever say that. I know you're not going to take any of this in, but it wasn't your fault. You're not a fireman and you're not Superman. You don't have the ability to tear open metal car doors. You couldn't have done anything."
​I shake my head, knowing that she's just saying the words to make me feel better, but I don't have the energy to argue with her.
"You need to deal with what happened, and you can't do that alone. You mustn't carry your pain in front of you like it's a big shield, protecting you from the world. Let the world in. Break a piece of that pain off, give a piece of it to me. Give a piece to Leo. Keep breaking pieces off until there's lots of little shards jangling around inside people's pockets as they go about life with you. Your pain doesn't go away, but if you let other people help you carry fragments of it around, the pain becomes less suffocating. Nobody expects you to forget your grief, Demi; they just want you to let them help you carry it."
​Ruby's words have pierced into my heart and I'm powerless to stop the fat tears falling down my cheeks. I look at her, so grateful to have this incredible girl in my life, and throw myself at her, flinging my arms around her neck. I bury my face in her shoulder and keep crying, and her small hands stroke my back, her voice shushing gently in my ear like I've just woken up from a nightmare.
"I'm sorry."
​"It's ok."
​"No, it's not. I'm sorry I was such a bitch to you just now."
​"And I'm sorry I found it hilarious when you fell off that log and hit your head, but we can both move on."
​We giggle and I uncurl myself from her, sitting back against the tree. I pull down my sleeves and mop up my face, taking deep breaths as I attempt to recover from this emotional rock climb. I feel as if someone has twisted my body like a wet rag, and squeezed every last tear that I've ever mopped up right out of my body. I put my hand back down onto Ruby's. She smiles as she holds it again, and I know deep down in my heart that she will never, ever, let it go.
***
We sit and talk for what seems like hours. I tell Ruby what Leo's Dad told me, everything that Daria said, and how Andrew tried to make me feel like I could still be a part of their family.
​"He's just trying to do the best for you, Demi, in, like, a seriously messed up situation. You should give him a chance."
​"I'll work on it. That's a start, right?"
"Right." She jumps to her feet and puts out her hands to pull me up. "Time to head back now?"
I groan. "Really? I can't just find a cave to crawl into and stay here forever?"
We start to walk together and she shakes her head. "Sorry, you've got to face them sooner or later. We need to decide what you're going to do about Leo as-"
She stops mid-sentence, peering up the tree trunk we've been planted at the bottom of for the last few hours.
​I follow her gaze but don't see anything. "Ruby, you okay?" She carries on staring up the tree. "Okay, stop being weird. You're scaring me."
​She glances at me then screws her eyes closed and looks back up the tree. "Sorry, I thought I heard something. Like a flutter sound."
​My eyes shoot up the tree again. "Oh God, it's not a bat is it? Okay, you've got me. I'm ready to go back now."
​"Probably nothing, just.....oh look!"
​I can't see what she's pointing at until I wave my light up and down the tree and a flying insect flutters around in the beam of light.
​"It's just a moth. It must like the light on my phone." I say.
​We both stand gawking at the moth as it flies in and out of the light, its tiny wings flapping at a million miles an hour, keeping its body airborne and graceful as it flickers through the night time, its brown colour perfect camouflage against the earthy browns and greens of its natural environment.
​"Look!" Ruby points further up the tree. "Its got a friend."
​The first moth is joined by a companion, and they swoop and dance around each other in conversation. The first moth drops down and flits between Ruby and me, then lands on my shoulder. I know being close to nature is all wonderful and everything but I'm not thrilled that what looks like a flying beetle has decided to take a rest on me.
​"Euw, Ruby, get it off me will you? I don't like it."
​"Don't be such a baby, it won't bite."
​"You sure?"
​The moth departs from its landing space and it spirals up to join its friend, who has now been joined by two more moths.
​"Huh. Cool." Ruby says.
​I sweep my light across the ground, checking that we haven't left anything behind, and gasp as a dozen wings flap in response, then swoop up to join the moths above us.
​ "Can we please go now?" I hug my shoulders, trying to suppress the shiver that these critters has brought on. I turn to escape, but Ruby is still standing with her head tilted up towards the moths, hypnotised by their flapping wings. "Ruby?!"
​She looks at me, then jerks her head towards the eclipse of moths. "Look at them all, look! There's more on the trunk!"
​I move my light to the bottom of the tree trunk, and clamp my hand over my mouth as a Mexican wave of wings flap when my light rolls over them. I move the light upwards and more furry bodies and velvety wings react to the sudden spotlight.
​"Cool, huh?" Ruby says.
​"Yeah, cool. Now let's go." I start to walk again, but Ruby isn't budging.
"Whoah." Ruby's eyes stare upwards, unblinking.
​I look up and my stomach drops. We're blocked by what must be hundreds of moths, hovering in a shadow in the clearing of the trees, pulsating in unison as they block our path out of the woods. I can feel the warm air from their flapping wings as they conspire against us.
​"Please tell me this is freaking you out now?" I say.
​Ruby nods slowly as we both take a step backwards. "It's freaking me out."
​"What should we do? There's hundreds of them."
​"Turn your light off, and let's just go." I look at my phone, knowing that it makes sense to turn it off but also not wanting to be stuck in the darkness with what is basically a swarm of tiny bats. "Demi? Turn it off."
​I swallow, a lump tripping down the Sahara inside my throat. "I don't know if I can."
​"Just turn it.....oh jeez. RUN!"
​The moths flap their wings faster, and there are so many of them now I can hardly see past the black mass that's hovering in the air. Those that were covering the trunk and flying around the top of the tree have joined their comrades and one side of them has formed into a sharp spike protruding out from the rest, the leaders at the front making a bee line straight for us.
​We take a few steps back, the shock of this army of moths flying towards us making us forget how to move properly, but as they get closer, instinct kicks in and we both turn, bumping shoulders then grabbing each other's hands. We charge away from the moths, as they silently stalk after us, and I feel the malignant tickle of wings on my exposed skin.
​"Do moths bite?!"
​"I don't care! Just keep running! Run your arse off, Demi!" Ruby shouts as our feet slam in unison across the crunchy fallen leaves.
​I glance over my shoulder, a cloud of brown suffocation crowding in on us as we move through the woods. I bat the back of my head and shoulders with my free hand, as Ruby yanks my arm and shouts out.
​"The river! We can make it to the river!"
​The glow of the moon shimmers on the water, beckoning us to safety and I kick up a gear, running with everything I've got left in the tank towards the water. A dead weight drags me down like an anchor as Ruby trips on a tree root and goes sprawling across the ground. I turn to her, bending to grab her hands, the panic on her ghostly white face mirrored by that that's swirling up inside me.
​Just as I curl my fingers around one of her hands, we are plummeted into a power cut, pitch black pushing down on us as the moths swirl around our struggling bodies, cutting out the moonlight, the sound, and the air. Their spindly legs trespass on my clothes and skin, snooping around every inch of me, flapping their insidious wings against my flesh. I want to check that I have her hand securely, that if I pull she's going to join me on my feet, but there is no way I can open my mouth, as dozens of furry bodies flurry over my lips, searching for a way inside.
​I can't see Ruby, but I squeeze her hand, and feel her other hand grip onto my wrist. I pull her upwards, praying that I'm still upright myself, unable to see anything around me. The weight on my arm lessens and we start to move again. I rub my face, cringing as the feathery wings skitter out of the way, my eyes filled with dust and grit as I try to get my bearings.
​We are running again, and I pray that our path stays clear. The feeling of suffocation starts to disperse as we escape the fog of moths, leading them rather than being immersed in them. The twinkle of light winks at me once again, promising me safety and I know Ruby sees it too as she speeds up beside me.
​We emerge through the opening of the trees, my legs feeling as though they've been set in concrete but I stride towards the river bank, not wasting an ounce of energy on looking back. We agree our plan silently, squeezing each other's hands and leap into the air as we reach the river.
​The cold shocks me, but I imagine the icy cold river cleansing my body from the residue of the moths, and freezing anything that was clinging to me when I plunged into the water. I kick my legs upwards, but Ruby pulls my hand and I jerk my head towards her, as she puts a finger up in front of me.
​Wait.
​We hover under the surface for what seems like hours, waiting until it's safe to level up, until I can't take it anymore and I shake my head at her, panic rising in my chest as I I've gone from one suffocation to another.
​Ruby glides upwards, and I let go of her hand and kick my legs, breaking the surface and gulping a massive lungful of air and not, to my relief, a lungful of moths. My breath is followed by a coughing fit and Ruby joins me, both of us hacking our lungs up as we tread water.
​I look around as my breathing calms, and Ruby joins me, looking out for our attackers. The moon throws light across the river and into the opening of the woods, and there isn't a single trace of a moth fluttering anywhere around us.
​We float in the water for a while, the sound of our icy breaths reassuring us that we're still alive. Ruby speaks first, her teeth chattering her words.
​"D-Demi?"
​"Y-yeah?"
​"N-Next time you say it's time to go, remind me to just listen to you."
​"That would be my pleasure."
​We swim to the side of the river, and haul ourselves up onto the bank. We roll onto our backs and stare up at the moon and stars, our only witnesses to our close encounter with nature at its most bizarre.