Clopwyck River - revised version

Chapter Thirty

"Dan, I, I......"
​Dan walks towards me and I step backwards, tripping over my feet, until I'm pressed against the shelves. I look past him but there's no sign of Ciara. He stops a few feet in front of me, his hands clasped together as if he's about to start a reading in his church. He's smiling at me, but his smile is miles from reaching his eyes, which have taken on a darker shade than I've never seen before.
​He raises his eyebrows at me, and cocks his head. "You, you, what?"
​"I....you're probably wondering what I'm doing here."
​"I think we're a bit beyond wondering now, aren't we, Demi-Louise? How much of my son's private property have you read?" I blink at him, and look at the doorway again. "Ah, there's my answer. You've read enough. That is a shame."
​"No, I, I haven't read-" I squeak, my mouth dry.
​A smile slices his face, and he shakes his head. "Please, don't lie to me as well as breaking into my house. Besides, doesn't it feel good to finally be honest? Now, hand me the diary. Let's see what it has to say, shall we? I haven't finished reading it myself."
​He puts out his hand, waiting for me to give it to him, but I can't move, the journal fused under my arm. I recoil as he snatches it from me, then drops into the armchair and crosses his legs.
​He opens up the journal. "Now let's see. I suspected we'd be having a few problems the day that he came home and told me you'd arrived in town. I wonder if he wrote....yes, yes, here we go. I do enjoy the sound of my own voice, so please, indulge me." He looks at me over the top of the book, his eyes flashing as they penetrate my own. "She's back. Lou-Lou is back. Although she's Demi now. I didn't recognise her at first, but then she said she was Daria's sister and I knew. She hasn't changed at all."
​"Ciara knew something was wrong, but I had to get away. She's known there's more to what happened but I wouldn't ever tell her. I can't tell her. I needed to talk to someone before I lost my mind into the dark again, so I talked to Dad, who forbid me from breathing a word of what happened since that day."
​"It all came flooding back, every moment of what happened, what I did. And what I saw."
​Dan raises his eyebrows, pausing for dramatic effect as I stand, glued to the spot, my knees wobbling. "I have nightmares about what happened, and with Demi back, I feel like I'm actually inside those dreams, living them over and over. That's my punishment for what I did. I can tell myself one hundred times a day that it was an accident, that I was just a kid, but I just keep being thrust into that moment of stupidity, the moment that's haunted me for the rest of my life."
​"We were in the woods by the tree that had fallen across the river. We called it the Magic Tree because it looked like it was hovering, and she used to tell us that it had gnomes living in inside it. She was tying one of Demi's shoes and that's when I climbed up. I knew that if I was balanced on the end of the fallen tree, bouncing up and down above the rush of the river, she would have to come and get me back."
​"I loved scaring both of them, and I remember the look on her face as she turned to Demi and told her to stay where she was and not to be scared, that she'd bring me back and I'd be in trouble with my Mummy and Daddy for being so naughty. That made me angry. She climbed up on the tree, sticking both arms out, wheeling them around as she tried to get her balance."
​"I stopped bouncing when she was halfway across, and just waited for her to reach me. She kept saying my name, and telling me not to move or I'd fall in the river. I could see she was scared, but it was fun. It was like watching a drunk tightrope walker."
​"She reached me, and her face flipped from fear to anger, and the fun evaporated when I realised how much trouble I was in. She grabbed my wrist and shouted at me, telling me that I was so stupid to put myself in such danger, that I could have been swept away by the river. She told me to follow her slowly, and turned away to walk me back down the old tree. Demi's face was the same colour as the clouds in the sky, she was just terrified. I liked scaring her, and when I met her eyes, Demi shouted at me, knowing what I was about to do."
​"I pushed her from behind, not hard, but just enough that she went off balance and let go of my wrist, her arms wind milling, trying to regain her balance and stop herself from falling in. As soon as I did it I knew that it wasn't a joke, not something I could take back, that I'd done something stupid. World ending. Life ending."
​"Her foot slipped on the tree, and she fell backwards, catching her ankle in a twisted branch of the tree. I can still hear the sound of her bone snapping and reverberating around the trees. She screamed as she fell, and Demi did too, but I didn't make a sound. I just stood still and watched her swing under the tree like a rag doll."
​"She hit her head on a rock that was sticking out of the water. Blood sprung from the gash on her temple, then it was washed away every time her head went under the surface. She was trying to pull herself up, but she was hanging at such an awkward angle that she couldn't grab hold of anything, instead she'd pull herself up by her waist, reaching out to me and shouting for me to help her, but then she'd run out of steam and swing back down, her head, neck, and shoulders immersed in the water."
​"She was like that for a bit, and I couldn't move, I just stood watching as she got slower, and quieter. Eventually she stopped trying to pull herself up, and she was just hanging there, like a scarecrow caught up in a tree with the stuffing knocked out of it. That's when Demi stopped screaming."
​"I stood staring at her body hanging in the water, knowing that I'd killed her. I stepped back across the fallen tree, and Demi shouted at me to me help her, that I couldn't leave her in the water, that we needed to get her Nanny, or call a policeman. I knew I was in trouble, and I knew that if we told anyone I would get taken away. I needed to tell my Dad so I got down from the tree and started to run home. Demi grabbed me as I tried to get past her, but I pushed her over and she didn't get up. I thought I'd killed her too, but she'd hit her head on the floor and that, with the shock of what had just happened, knocked her out."
​Dan smiles at me over the book, closing it in his hands like he's just finished some kind of twisted bedtime story.​
​"So now you know what my little Ben did all those years ago, but I'm guessing by the look on your face, that's not what's got a gaggle of geese waddling across your grave. Let's see what he says next shall we?"
​He opens the book, licks his finger, finds the page where we he left off, and starts to read again, his wild eyes moving across the page. As soon as he takes his eyes off me I clasp my hand around the phone in my back pocket. "Dad drove me back to the woods, and Demi was gone. Dad walked over to the edge of the water and looked at her body, strung up under that dead tree like some kind of twisted modern art. He grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me, asking if I was sure Demi saw what happened, and I was crying so much all I could do was nod."
​"He ran back to our car, and drove it as far into the woods as he could. He ran back, a big dirty sheet under his arm, then waded into the water. He yanked at her limp body as if he were trying to untangle a kite from a tree. It was dark by this point, and I was so scared, watching my Dad handle a body that wasn't breathing, wasn't bending right. I wet myself as I watched him, but I was too afraid to say anything, so I just stood and watched, getting colder and colder as he worked to get her down."
​"Before we drove her away, he said that we couldn't tell anyone what happened, that we would need to lie to everyone so nobody would find out, otherwise I would get taken away forever. He asked me if that's what I wanted, if I wanted to live in a small room with bars on the windows, and I would never see Leo or Mummy again. I knew what he was doing wasn't right, but I didn't want to get sent away. I nodded my head, and he told me to be brave, that he had to hurt me so people would believe our lie. He didn't even warn me when he landed the first punch in my chest....."
​Dan closes the diary shut, slapping the pages together. The last few lines linger in the air like gas snaking around me, making me dizzy.
"There we go, Dad to the rescue." Dan says.
​I'm fighting to stay upright, and willing the chunks in my stomach to stay where they are. Dan looks at me, his eyebrows raised as if he's inviting questions.
​I shake my head. "Poor Ben. No wonder he....why didn't you call the police? Even a five year old could see that's what you should have done."
​"How exactly do you think that would have turned out for Ben, and you for that matter? You would have been taken away."
​"I'm not five anymore, don't try that on me. It was an accident."
​"That's not how people would have seen it. Do you know how hard it is to build up a community, to become part of it and gain people's trust? To follow in the footsteps of someone who was in charge of this parish for over thirty years? To get sent away to prove myself before he would consider recommending me for holy orders? All of that before I even started to study. When people found out what my son, my offspring, did, that would all of have been for nothing. We would have lost everything, the church, this place, my power, everything."
​"Your power?"
​"Leading a parish, it comes with a great deal of power, Demi. The more power you have, the more good you can do for your community. You'll realise that when you're older."
​"That doesn't sound right to me."
​He waves his hand, dismissing me like an annoying fly. "My position in this community isn't something you can understand. The Lord directed me to handle the situation in the only way possible. It's unfortunate what happened to that girl, but I did what I had to do to allow us to move on."
​"But you haven't moved on. Or Ben hasn't. Can't you see that?" I grab a handful of my hair, and try to pull the insanity of the situation out of my head. "You can't just bury things and expect that everything will be okay. You can't....."
​Dan crosses his other leg and clasps his hands over his knees, then looks up at me. He bites his bottom lip and raises his eyebrows, the face of a man who's dying to share a secret.
​"But....oh my God. That's exactly what you did, isn't it?" A smile slides across his face, and he waggles his eyebrows at me, as if he's let me in on a practical joke. "You buried her. You buried her body. How could you do that?"
​"I had assistance."
​"Oh my God – Ben?! You made your son help you bury a dead body?"
​"Well, yes, I needed someone to keep watch, but I wasn't talking about him. I had guidance."
​He looks up at the ceiling and a shiver runs through me. He thinks God guided him to get rid of the body? I had no idea what kind of monster was hiding in that church.
​"Why did you lie to me before? Why did you tell me all of that about Ben being attacked?" I ask.
​"You were sniffing around my boys, trying to find something out, and I had to know whether you remembered or not."
​"Why, so you could get bury me as well?"
​"Something like that." He gets to his feet, brushing down his jeans and black shirt, and begins walking back and forth. "When all of this happened, Daria assured me that you couldn't remember what happened, that the knock on your head made you forget seeing any of it."
​"Wait." I rub my forehead. "Daria knows what happened?"
​ "Oh yes, Daria knows. I knew I could trust her to keep quiet about what happened." He stops walking and turns to me. "We've shared quite a few secrets over the years."
​I gulp. "What?"
​"Daria spent a lot of time at the church, coming to me for guidance when she found herself pregnant with you, and for support when she struggled with motherhood. It didn't come naturally to her. As we spent more time together, our relationship became more than that of a priest and one of his parishioners. I like to think that she was sent to me by way of physical reward, the Lord letting me know that I was doing a good job."
​ "But she was, like, a few years older than I am now?" I can barely hear my own words, the thought of Dan and Daria together making the room spin.
​"She was old enough to bear the responsibility of parenthood after she got herself in trouble, so she was old enough to know what she was doing with me. She was reluctant at first, but she eventually came around."
​"You're a monster."
​He waggles a finger at me. "You'd be a fool to think that others in my position aren't afforded the same luxuries, Demi. This job is extremely hard, it takes every ounce of your being, so the Lord offers support in other ways."
​"But you were married; you had children."
​"My wife was very ill at the time, and she was unable to fulfil the physical side of marriage."
​"But doesn't the bible say..."
​"Oh, it says plenty. But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. It's for me to share the word of the bible, to make sure my parishioners understand the teachings of it. I have been granted free reign to do what it takes to share its message, but I am afforded certain flexibilities through my service to God."
​"No...I...that's not how it works."
​"Oh, and you're an expert, are you? That first time you came to see me I could tell you'd never set foot inside a church. You're not in a position to judge me."
​I shake my head, thinking how I had no idea what sort of monster was hiding underneath that dog collar, his logic out of reach of anyone with a sane mind. How long had his affair with Daria gone on for? How much had he had to convince her to engage in it with him? No wonder Daria wasn't giving me the full story. She was trying to protect me.
​"So that's why I left Clopwyck, why I grew up thinking that my Grandmother was my Mum? Because of what you did to that girl?"
​"Not what I did, remember. What Ben did. I just cleared up his mess. Daria convinced me you wouldn't tell anybody anything because you couldn't remember what happened. You apparently managed to find your way to her house but they couldn't get anything out of you. I needed to know that wouldn't happen for certain though. I couldn't risk you suddenly remembering everything and telling all your little friends at school. I told Daria, either she makes you disappear, or..."
​"You would."
​"Exactly. It was a simple choice. Either you stay here and I deal with you myself, or she sent you away, away from anything that might trigger a memory. It was easy to convince her Mum, your Grandmother, who was practically raising you anyway. Daria wasn't a good parent, she didn't take to it well even though she tried very hard. They had been talking about leaving Clopwyck for a while anyway, and this was a good opportunity."
"But why didn't we all leave together?"
​"Because I wanted Daria here, with me. That, and she knew her mother would do a better job raising you. She begged her mother to take you away, to have a fresh start, to give her a fresh start, so that's what happened. Daria got her life back when you left. "
​I look at the floor, reluctantly allowing Dan's words to sink in. The last five minutes have given me so much more insight into mine and Daria's relationship than I've had in a lifetime.
​"Are you okay?" He walks over to me, and I freeze as he lifts my chin with his finger, leaving a burning mark of filth from his touch. "It must be hard to learn that your mother gave you up?"
​I jerk away from him and he drops his hand, moving it around my back and snatching the phone from my fingers. He switches it off and puts it in.
​"I think I'll hold onto that." He peers at it, then wiggles it at me. "Doesn't seem to be working anyway, Demi-Louise. If I didn't know better, I'd say you like being trapped in this little room with me."
I flush, remembering dropping my phone in the puddle earlier. "What makes you think you can control people's lives like this!? What would your wife think if she knew what you've done?"
​He shrugs his shoulders. "Actually, she did know. I told her everything when she was living her last days. I thought she had a right to know."
​"How could you do that when she was ill? What did she say?"
​"She didn't say anything. She couldn't say anything." He takes a step closer and puts his hand on the shelves to the side of my head. "She couldn't say anything with a pillow over her face."
​The words of this monster sink into my skin, tearing at my flesh, burying deep so I will never escape the memory of his dark deeds for the rest of my life. All I can hear is my shallow breath, in and out, and then a voice from the doorway.​
"Dad?"