Clopwyck River - revised version

Chapter thirty-three

I snatched my drawing from Daria's hands, then scrolled to the selfie of me and Ruby we took in the mill. I waved it in front of them all in my shaking hand, but Andrew and Daria just exchanged a look which filled me with fear. Only Elliot smiled at the photo, confirming it was a photo of me and Ruby.
​All Andrew and Demi could see was a photo of me.
​They both shouted after me as I left them with Elliot in the woods, my mind racing so far ahead I could barely keep up with my own thoughts. As soon as I was alone in the shadows and whispers of the trees, I realised that I have no idea where Ruby lives, and don't even have her phone number. I slowed to a jog, thinking about where I was running to, then picked up my pace. There could only be one place.
​I stop on the wooden footbridge, just able to make out the outline of the mill against the indigo sky, a warm glow flickering through the windows on the ground floor. I take a few deep breaths, knowing that when I go in there'll be no denying the truth, another truth that I wasn't even looking for, but has found me anyway.
​I burst through the ancient door, letting it slam closed behind me, and wave my torch around the mill.
​"Ruby?! Ruby?!"
​I hear movement and the crackling of a fire from around the corner, and run towards the sound. Ruby is sitting cross legged in front of the fire, her hands outstretched towards the orange flames. She stands up, and brushes the mill dust from her backside and tidies up her hair. Her eyes flicker with uncertainty in the glow of the fire as she looks at me, and her fingers twist together as she waits for me to make the first move.
​Everything I've bottled up over the last few days, since I got here, or maybe since my Mum died comes shooting up from a part of my soul that I wouldn't acknowledge, and I run towards my friend, sobbing as I throw my arms around her and bury my face in her shoulder. Her shoulders relax as she squeezes me back, her small hands holding onto me for dear life.
​I come up for air, wiping my eyes as I pull away from her, taking in every one of her features as if she's going to be torn from my life at any second.
​I put my hands on either side of her face. "I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry, Ruby!"
​She puts her soft hands around my wrists and pulls my hands down, a smile hidden underneath her quivering lip, and shakes her head. "It's okay, it wasn't your fault."
​"But I was there! I should have done something, I should have remembered, when I first met you or when I saw Ben....I...I..."
I can hardly understand my own words as I sob uncontrollably. I cover my mouth with my hand, unable to keep a lid on the despair for my friend as it rattles my insides.
​"Demi, you couldn't have done anything. There was one adult in the situation and he let us all down."
​"But I....why didn't you tell me?"
​"I'm couldn't tell you." She shakes her head and wipes her eyes, leaving streaks of salty tears glistening across her cheeks. "I'm sorry. I wanted to, but I couldn't."
​I shake my head, unable to understand, a thousand questions buzzing in my head that I know we don't have the time for.
​"I should have helped you." I whisper.
​Ruby's eyes widen and she grabs my shoulders. "You did help me, Demi. You did. My existence was...I've been eavesdropping on lives that have long forgotten me, then one day I felt something in Clopwyck shift; the energy changed. Even my family left the memory of me here years ago, but you found me again."
​Her hands press down on my shoulders, drawing strength from me, or maybe I'm drawing strength from her touch. I shake my head and look at the ground, my eyes trying to find respite from the fire, from my tears, and from hers.
​"I haven't done anything...I should have...I could have done more to help you."
​"Honestly, Demi, I can't tell you how much it's meant to me, whatever this is, however it happened. I spent so many years watching people who have no idea how lucky they were just to be with their loved ones, or share a joke, or even argue about something they're passionate about. I was hiding amongst it all but I couldn't reach it, couldn't touch it. I was a spectator." I look up and her eyes soften, her beautiful smile lighting up her face. "Then you arrived. I never thought the little girl I used to babysit would be the one who set me free."
​"I think...I think you brought me back too, you brought me back from a dark place. I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't have met you." I whisper.
​She tucks a piece of my hair behind my ear, and smiles at me. "You would have been okay. You're stronger than you give yourself credit for, Demi. Besides, you have Leo, remember? I still, totally ship you two." I laugh, a bubble of snot bursting in my nostril. "And Ciara. I never thought she would be the one to help you find the truth, but you're connected now. Just remember what I said, Demi, share the pain that you carry around, let them be a part of your life. Let Daria and Andrew help you, and Elliot. You're not alone unless you barricade everybody out. It's your doing; your choice."
​I nod, needing her to know that I'm assimilating every single word she's sharing with me, everything she has shared with me. I know the answer to my next question, but I can hardly bring myself to say the words.
​"So, what happens now?" I breathe.
​She grabs both of my hands, squeezing them tightly as she looks into my eyes. "I think now, we have to say goodbye."
​"No! I can't lose you! I need you, Ruby." I shake my head, trying to keep the truth out as hot tears are streaming down my neck. "I need to know more! I have more questions!"
​"I don't have all the answers, Demi. You need to find them without me."
​"No! I....I...." I sob.
​"This is how it has to be. We found each other for a reason, and now it's time for us to move on. I'll never forget what you did for me, wherever I'm going."
​"I won't forget you either, just please, don't leave me, Ruby!"
​Her eyes are brimming over with sympathy. "I'm not sure how all of this works, but I think you have to be the one who leaves me, Demi."
She lets go of one of my hands and leads me around the fire. I didn't think it would be possible to cry any harder, but I turn it up a gear when I realise she's leading me to the door of the mill. I squeeze her hand, drawing strength from the feel of her skin on mine, and I look at her as we walk together, drinking in every detail of her face in the hope that I can picture her whenever I close my eyes.
We stop in front of the door. Ruby opens the door, and the creeping daylight makes us both squint our puffy eyes. We stare silently out onto the river, then turn to face each other.
"I can't do this. I can't leave you, Ruby."
"You have to. You have to leave me behind. It's time for me to go; I'm not lost anymore, because of you."
"I think...I think...you found me too. You found me in Chancellor's that day. My life was...I think I was unravelling. The whole of me was....disengaging. And then I met you. I was getting close to losing myself too, but you found me."
She smiles at me. "I think you're going to be okay, Demi."
I nod. "I think I am too."
"Okay." She grabs my hands. "It's time to go."
I squeeze her hands, turning them over in my own, then I throw my arms around her, pressing my nose into her so I can recall her smell forever. She squeezes me back, our bodies holding one another up and we stand in the open doorway unable to break away from each other.
"I love you." I croak into her shoulder.
"I love you, too." She sniffs. "Now go. You can't hide in here forever."
We peel ourselves away from each other, and Ruby takes a step back from the door, allowing me to get past. I walk forwards, stepping over the threshold of the mill and I take the tiniest footsteps away from my best friend until I can feel the fresh morning air cleansing my skin.
I turn back to the mill, and smile at Ruby. Silhouetted by the light of the fire, she smiles back at me, her eyes glassy with tears as we hold each other's gaze as we if we are still holding hands. She nods her head, and I nod too. She drops her eyes to the ground and bites her lip as she pushes the door closed. It closes with a thud and the light from the fire blinks out, like the windows have closed their eyes, ready to drift off into a restful sleep.
I stare at the closed door, my heart wanting me to run up to it and kick it down, my mind knowing that were won't be anyone there if I do. I squeeze my eyes shut and my knees give way, dropping on the floor as I cry out for Ruby, for my Mum, and for me.
My tears start to run dry and I pull myself up, and turn towards the footbridge, unable to look at the mill. The birds are singing at the sun, and the tops of the trees wave in the wind, beckoning me home through the woods. I draw up every morsel of energy I have in my body, and jog across the bridge, emerging into the first throes of a new day, the pain and the fear of the last few hours slowly sliding from my shoulders as I run.