The cripple and the shieldmaiden

// 32 //

He couldn't look more distant, not even to Torhild. She always saw a spark somewhere, compassion, anger, love when he looked at her but not now. He was totally turned in himself, bleu eyes with nothing more than cold emotionless look. He didn't show he was afraid, he didn't even cared how much people were looking. In that moment, that the soldiers walked by with him between their body's, in the moment they changed a look she become afraid of him. If it wasn't for Ubbe who embraced her from behind she would ran of. Torhild never was really afraid for him, except for their first meeting she never felt afraid but know ... watching how they brought him to a little stage where everybody just could watch. 'I can't.' She whispered.
'You have to Torhild, for him.' Ubbe reacted. She knew he was right, if Ivar would see her go it would take away a part of his fightingspirit. Torhild turned her head and looked over her shoulder to him, even he looked scared. Her eyes fell on King Aethlewulf who stepped their way.
'Princess Torhild, Ubbe.' He greeted the both of them. Torhild didn't look at him, she looked to Ivar who sat up in front of a pole. His forehead rested against it, eyes looking to the ground.
'Punishing him is the biggest mistake you could make.' Ubbe said.
'Let him make that mistake if he wants to get the consequences.' Torhild murmured. She didn't looked up to Aethlewulf who only softly nodded before he walked over to the little stage.
'You love him.' Ubbe noticed. It was the only one besides of Ase who really know that much over her connection with Ivar. So ... she looked over her shoulder and nodded.
'I can't loose him.'
'I don't know Torhild.' Ubbe replied in thoughts. What if Ivar would be different? What if he would push her away?

Aethlewulf had more joy in watching this than doing it so he called up one of his soldiers. Torhild looked to the whip and than back to Ivar. He turned his head and looked at her, still with that distant hollow look. He didn't even paid attention to the fact that Ubbe had his arms wrapped around her. His hair felt out of it's place, dark strains covering the darkness in his eyes. Torhild took a deep breath when somebody pulled open his clothes so his back was to see for everybody. She lifted her head a little, pulled strenght out of his look. But when that whip came down the first time she closed her eyes, tears welling up in her eyes when he arched his back in pain. Aethelwulf stood on a little distant, smiling but not satisfied. Had he thought that Ivar would yell in pain? Well, he didn't know Ivar then but he was getting to. With the second lash her tears started running over het cheeks but her emotions decreased to the frozingpoint. If she had a knife she would probarbly use it, if Ubbe hadn't had his arms around her she would ran over to that king and do something she would regret in the end. After ten lashed she saw the blood flew around when the man pulled the wip away. Ivar didn't screamt, he didn't even flinsh. From where she stood she couldn't see much of his back but she saw the blood and she saw the pain cracking open in his face. 'I can't.' She said again, pulling Ubbe his arms away and walking away from the people, calm, self-controlled before she crached down in her room. On a certain point even a viking could break. Torhild hadn't had a day rest since she came here. She was capture, humiliated, beated, stabbed and now this. Even her mentaly strong personality couldn't hold on any longer, leaving tears on her cheeck in a sign of defeat. More than ever she wanted to go home, back to Kattegat and that precisely what she was going to do when this was over. She dropped down on the ground besides the bed and letting herself go in the moment. She should never have come, she should stayed in Kattegat where it was safe, she should never been a shieldmaiden to begin with.

'Torhild.' Ubbe instisted. Her red eyes looked up to Ubbe who came the room in fast, a hardly moving body from Ivar in his arms.
'Don't tell me,'
'He is alive.' Ubbe intterupted her, laying Ivar his body on the bed, stomach down. Her eyes went to his back and she gasped when she saw the marks in his flesh, blood staining down from the wounds he had. Ivar his breathing was fast, unsteady, she almost heared his heart beating in her own chest.
'Ivar.' She whispered, still crying. He didn't opened his eyes but she saw his fingertips moving a little so she shoved her fingers through his, looking to the lashed on his body. 'Do you now what you do?' She asked Ubbe when he pulled a bucked with water to the bed.
'Not really but we have to clean these wounds so it won't infect.' He sounded out of breath.
'I can do it, you get a healer from the settlement, I don't want any christian healer around him.'
'You sure? I will be away for some time.' He asked, looking to her still wet face. Torhild nodded, holding her hand open so he would give her the fabric he pushed under water. 'I ride fast.' He gave her the fabric and walked out, leaving her all alone with Ivar. Torhild looked to his face, she wasn't sure if he was conscious but when she carefull pushed the cold fabric against his back his eyes flew open. And in a reflex he wanted to pull himself up, not giving in to the pain and defeat.
'Ivar it's me, you're safe.' She reacted immidiatly. It took him several minuts before he body relaxed a little. She stroke his hair out of his face and held her hand on his sweaty forehead. 'I'm sorry.'
'Don't.' His voice cracked cold. Torhild pulled her hand away and looked back to the wounds, carresing the wounds with the most care she could provide. But every little bit of pressure on it gave him discomfort what maked it for Torhild even harder to get his whole back done. Ivar drifted between his sleep and awake moments but he didn't say a word. The only thing she could see was that burning face that didn't promise anything good. When she was done he was sleeping so she layed aside him and felt asleep to, restless.

Her eyes flew open from sounds, movements in the room. She looked aside her to Ivar who sat up, trying to get from the bed but his face shouted the pain. 'Ivar.' He frooze. Torhild pushed her body up, looking to his back that started bleeding again while he tried to get from the bed. She stood up, walking to the other side. 'You can't, you need to rest.' She said concerned. But he wasn't listening and she laid her hand on his bare chest to prevent him. 'I'm sorry for what happened, if it,'
'Stop!' He shouted angry. Torhild starled, stepping back while she looked to those eyes again. She was afraid it would change him, and it did. He looked more distant than he ever was before. She saw him in all kind of moods but this was a new one and it maked her scared.
'What?' Her voice trembled a little, to soft to maybe heared.
'You have to stop with thinking this is your fault.' He began.
'it is my fault, if I maked that deal,'
'No! This is on me. Don't you see that I only bring you misery. Did you look in the mirrow, you look like hell and that's on me. This won't be the last and I'm not letting you go through that again.' He hissed before his body felt from the bed. Torhild wanted to help him but his words kept her on her place. He groaned, pushing his hands under his body up.
'What are you saying?' She asked whispering. Her emotions looked for an exit point but she pulled them back under again causing her to look at least a little distand herself.
'It can't be me, I'm a cripple, I cause pain.' He murmured trying to get his body forward.
'You're not a cripple not to me.'
'Torhild look!' He yelled angry.
'Ivar.' They both jerked their heads away from each other and looked at Ubbe, with a healer and Hvitserk.
'Don't bother. I'm leaving.' She hissed, walking past Ivar to the door as fast as she could. He didn't stopped her, non of them did, only Hvitserk walked after her. The castle had some gorgeous gardens, gardens that were empy. Her passes were fast and she didn't really cared where she walked to.
'Love, slow down.' Hvitserk grabbed her wrist to stop her. She turned around, smaching her fist against his chest, started to shake. 'I always told you he would cause you heartbreak.' He said. His hand sneaked around her waist, pulling her closer and Torhild wrapped her arms around his neck, buring her head against his neck. 'If I would knew earlier I would haved warned you. Ivar isn't like us, he can't give you what you want.'
'He did and now he scares me.' She whispered through her tears.
'I'm scared of him to, already for a very long time now.' Hvitserk replied on her broken words. Torhild felt safe in that moment, Hvitserk just embraced her, whispering all kinds of comforting things in her ears. And she forget the monster in the room. She knew Ivar said it just out of frustration and hate but in some kind of way he was right. His temper would cause him always troubles, he would often hurt her in a way she didn't wanted. But this was the hardest way to do it and it felt like her heart broke in pieces.
'I loved him.' Torhild said to herself, out loud. Hvitserk pulled a little back, resting his hand around her cheek. She looked up in his steady calms eyes, the corner of his mouth lifted a little.
'A broken heart always can be fixed.'
'I hope you are right.'
'I'm always right.' He joked, trying to lift the heaviness of the situation. She smiled a little and he smiled to. Everything could be fixed, she would fixe her heart and she would break that of the king.

Who has  the right to kill King Aethlewulf now, Torhild or Ivar?
Sadly coming closer to the end of this whole epic adventure,  the question remains the same, will she have her happy ending and veangence ...