I'm Sorry

Writer's Block Baby: chptr 14

       So, my life hasn't been interesting this past month, Mr. James read my story and he thought it was, "Just spectacular!" I've been having writers block, I told you my life was uninteresting. I don't know, maybe something will happen someday. Maybe, I'll write when something interesting happens.

       I might write a new book, a book of poems, or a mystery with a bunch of murders and stuff. I'm writing this three days after the paragraph before, so yeah, I'm going to start captioning these like the title of this one would be "three days" in bold or something, I don't know, I'll find out the next time I write. I'll write soon, but to catch up on my life, Conner took me to a party, and I might be pregnant??? I just don't want Conner to find out until I'm sure. I really hope I'm not, I don't know, I'll write later and tell you the results of the test. God I hope I'm not.
  
       10pm (three hours later)
       Okay, so something happened. I think I did something, something bad. I took the test, and it was positive. I really can't have a baby, I'm eighteen but my parents don't believe in the whole premarital sex thing. How am I going to tell Conner? I just realized, no one is even reading this, the last chapters, I haven't even posted this, maybe I will and you can help me? Sure, that's what I'll do, you can help me, I need help, I need to break it to Conner, but how? He's going to hate this, he'll never talk to me again, maybe he'll want an abortion, maybe he'll want to do this and that, but I don't know what I want to do. I'll break it to him softly? No, I'll just tell him, straight forward, just tell him, why am I still here writing? I should be telling him I'm pregnant. But I can't, I'm afraid of what he wants to do about it, I've never been scared before, I'm so scared. What if the baby is born in a dangerous way, what if it kills me while I'm giving birth? I don't have very wide hips so it would be really painful. What if it's not born at all, what if I get an abortion? I don't know what to do, I need to tell somebody, Madison, I'll tell Madison, she won't tell a soul she's good at keeping secrets, I mean she was in the closet for a while, so she must be. I'll tell her and write it in later, I still need to know how to tell him. She can help me tell him. Sure, I'll go talk to her.

       7am
       I talked to Maison last night, we went to get coffee and I just blurted it out.
       She sipped her mocha, "I'm pregnant." I said abruptly, Madison froze, "What?" she whispered, putting her drink down. "I said," she stopped me, "No, I heard you, are you being serious?" I nodded my head, "Have you told Conner?" she looked at me, "It's Conner's, right?" I looked back at her, "Of course she's Conner's. I wouldn't do something like that." I said softly, face stern. "She?" she whispered back, "I don't really know it's sex, I just always wanted a girl, to name her Rose, and for her to have lemon colored hair and dark green eyes, she would be so beautiful." I smiled a little and then remembered what was going on, my face turned sour and a tear drop fell from my eyes, I sobbed, "What if," I sobbed again and put my head on her shoulder, "What if he," I couldn't finish the sentence again so I just cried while Madison rubbed my back. "It's okay, you don't need to talk, shhh." she comforted me, every shush masking my tears. I leaned away from her and wiped my eyes, "Conner was right, your face looks beautiful red. I don't know what we'll do after this but," I interrupted her, "We'll do, you don't need to do anything." I wiped my face again, "I'm part of this now, and when the baby is born we'll tell little Rosey that her aunt loves her," she put her arm on my shoulders, "I'm in this now, when do you want to tell Conner, I'll be there if you want." she hugged me, "I'd love it if you were there, maybe it would make me feel better, I think I'll tell him tomorrow." she finished her mocha and stood up, "Let's go, you could stay at my place if you want." she reached for my hand and I took it, standing up I rubbed my cheeks again, even though I wasn't crying anymore. We walked out and went to her dorm, I slept on her bed and she slept on her couch, I woke up and she was still asleep, so I'm writing this, I think she just woke up, hold on. I'm going to record our conversation so I don't miss it.
"When are you going to tell him?"
"Later, can you come with me, I'm scared."
"Definitely,"
"Thank you"
"You're welcome"
"Is the recording for your book?"
"Yes"
"So the book, everything about the baby it's in here?"
"Yeah, I don't know what else to do."
"If Conner read this, he would find out about the baby."
"I'll keep it hidden"
"Okay"
"Do you want to go tell him?"
"Whenever you're ready Tiff."
"Can I take a shower?"
"Yeah, towels in the cabinet on the right."
"Thank you"
"You're welcome"
"I'm sorry for bringing you into this mess."
"Don't be, I'm part of your life, so is this baby, and school and Conner, there's no changing that, I love being in your train wrecked life, it's beautiful." I hugged her and went into the bathroom. I took a shower and pondered what I would do later today. I will tell Conner that I am pregnant, he will either accept it or deny it and hate me. We'll find out. I got out of the shower, Conner was there. I'm going to tell him. I'll record the conversation.