A Century of Loneliness

Chapter 6: The Date Approaches

Jamie P.O.V

Two months have passed. The wedding is now only a month away. Lizzy and I never had a chance to work out the details of our refusal to marry. Every day the date gets closer and closer.

Lizzy seems to be having fun planning a wedding while I am completely stressed out of my wits. I wish that this wasn't happening, but we had our chance and we blew it. Now it looks like we're going to have to get married.

I still have not come to terms with my emotions. I still feel attracted to men more than women. As the date gets closer I fear that I will slip up. I need to tell Lizzy, but I'm not sure I can bring myself to do such a thing.

'What is Lizzy thinks I'm crazy? Would she stop being my friend? Would she tell her father and have me killed? Perhaps I'm just insane. I wouldn't be surprised after these past few months. Maybe someone putting me out of my misery is exactly what I need.'

Lizzy is currently out of town for a few days to go dress shopping. She won't be back for another couple of days, so that gives me time to think. That could be just what I need. A little bit of rest and a lot of thinking.

I sigh as I lay in bed, staring at the boring white ceiling. There is nothing special about it. It's just white. It's not even remotely interesting, but there's not really anything else worth looking at.

Not a lot of things are too interesting these days. Everything is boring and colorless. There's not really any bright colors except for the sunset. I like to watch the sun go down because of said bright colors. It's a nice sight.

'Please, someone give me a sign. I want to know what these feelings are. I may not believe in you, God, but if you are real, tell me the truth. Why am I attracted to men? Why can't I just marry Lizzy without it being a problem? Give me an answer, please.'

I pinch the bridge of my nose. God wouldn't give me answers even if everyone in the world begged him to. He has better things to do if he's even real. I never really believed in there being a giant all-seeing being up in the sky. It never made sense to me.

I pull the covers from my bed up and over my face. I want to disappear into them and never return. That would be a convenient solution to this complicated situation. Then the wedding could be canceled, Lizzy could move on, and later she could marry someone that she actually loves and wants to spend her life with.

'If only her father knew how much we both wanted to back out of the wedding. Then maybe he would change his mind, or at least understand why we both have cold feet. If only he would put himself in our shoes and see how unhappy we both are. I wish he would.'

I curl up in a tight ball under the covers. The more I think about this wedding the more I resent living. I truly wish to disappear. If only I could actually manage to do such a thing.

'You shouldn't let Elizabeth's father's plan ruin your life. Take control over the situation and tell him the truth. Stop being afraid for once. Tell him how you really feel instead of hiding behind a fake mask of happiness. You deserve real happiness, not the synthetic type he hopes to create with you and Lizzy. If you want to marry a man then marry a man. Do what makes you happy or you'll die having never been truly happy.'

I consider listening to my thoughts. I should tell her father the truth about the marriage. My opinion is a very crucial part after all. I would hate to have to object to the marriage at the altar. That would be mortifying for Lizzy and her father and just incredibly rude on my behalf. No one actually objects a wedding when the priest asks. It's really just a question that he asks to make the people getting married more anxious than they already were.

I do not want to do something so extreme. I need to tell Lizzy's father soon. The sooner the better. I just haven't had the chance to in the last two months. Things have been rather tight for him, schedule wise at least. He always makes time for his Mafia business. He'll cancel anything for that if he needs to.

'Perhaps my parents were right. Maybe I should have moved down south with them. Although, I'm fairly certain that I would hate living in the south. I've grown up in New York for my entire life. I don't plan on going anywhere. This is my home.'

'The only reason I would even consider changing the past is to change the future. If I had moved then I wouldn't be having to get married to Lizzy. However, if I had moved I probably would have lost contact with her altogether. I would never want that for my best friend. That is what makes me happy that I stayed instead of leaving with my parents. They never understood why I loved it in New York so much, but it's because I've spent my entire life here and my best friend lives only a couple streets away.'

I share a tiny smile with myself because I know that no one will be able to see it but me. There's not real point in smiling if no one can see it.

After a few more minutes of thinking I have finally decided what I'm going to do. As soon as Lizzy returns home I'm going to tell her about my feelings about other men. Then we'll both confront her father about calling off the wedding.

'The next few days are going to be painfully long.'