A Century of Loneliness

Chapter 4: New Feelings

Jamie P.O.V

I return home after the eventful night. I am tired and my body is starting to fully comprehend the events that have taken place in the past few hours. It's all starting to pile on like a collection of stones.

I lay down in my bed and sigh. It's hard for me to process what has happened. But it's all starting to make sense.

'I'm getting married. I have to get married to Lizzy now. There's no avoiding it. I've made a commitment and now I cannot undo what has been done. It's too late. Backing out now will result in my death. I can't let that happen. I suppose marriage is my fate.'

During the night I cannot sleep. I close my eyes and try, but to no avail. It is a very slow night for me.

The next morning I am very tired. I haven't had a minute of sleep. I run my fingers through my hair and shuffle my feet when I walk. The morning is torture after not getting any sleep.

I sigh as I sit at my kitchen table. I put my head between my forearms and tug at my hair. I am extremely exhausted, physically and emotionally.

'I should disappear from the world to make things easier. Then no one would have to worry about this marriage and Lizzy would be free to marry someone she loves later on. I can't do this.'

I hit my head against the wooden table a few times before stopping. Hitting myself will not solve anything. Some part of me tells me that I'll feel better, but the rest of me knows that it's not helping the situation.

I sigh and stand from the chair where I was sitting. I throw on some clothes and brush my hair out of my face to at least seem half-decent.

I admit to myself that I do look a bit rough, but I haven't slept. If I had I would look much better. Everyone looks a bit rough after not getting any sleep.

The sun blinds me as I walk out of my front door. It makes me groan and cover my eyes so I'm not totally incapable of seeing. I wish that it wasn't so bright, but there is nothing I can do about that.

As I walk towards Elizabeth's street I begin to think about this whole situation once again. It's all I've been able to think about since it all started.

'I'm not sure I ever wanted to marry a woman. I know that I'm supposed to, but I just don't feel the desire to. I just haven't had that attraction to any women in town. I've always found myself to be attracted to men rather than women. I don't notice women when they walk into the room, I notice the men they're with and how handsome they seem. I find myself wanting to be in the company of a man, not a woman.'

These types of thoughts make me wonder if there is anyone else who has the desire to marry someone of the same sex. I've never heard it be talked about before. It may not be very common or it could possibly be shunned upon. Or perhaps I'm just not in a good state of mind. The past few days have been very stressful for me, making me question what I want. Things could be different if I wasn't stressed.

I sigh and rub my face, trying to look as normal as possible. I'll still look like I'm fatigued, which I am, but I at least need to look like I'm not having any second thoughts about this wedding.

Elizabeth is waiting at her front door, leaning against the doorframe when I arrive. She looks like she hasn't had much rest, but had more than myself. Even with the situation we're in she still manages to smile.

"I take it you didn't get much sleep?" she asks rhetorically, already knowing the answer was no.

"I was up all night," I reply, being too tired to care about much else.

We take a walk around town for a while. The morning sun is definitely waking the both of us up. It feels nice to walk when it's just us. It gives us both time to think about the situation.

"I can't believe this is actually happening. I should have known my father was up to something when he wanted to talk to you. He normally doesn't even acknowledge your existence," Lizzy says while we walk.

It doesn't exactly feel good to hear that my existence isn't acknowledged by her father, but at the same time, it does. Not being noticed by the Mafia is normally a good thing. I also should have noticed when he wanted to talk to me. I've known Lizzy practically my whole life and the man had said a handful of words to me, at most.

"It's hard to believe, but it's true. We're actually going to have to get married. Your father only wants what's best for you, but I think his approach might not be best. It should be up to you who you marry," I reply, speaking my opinion about the situation.

"I agree, but my father would have never let that happen anyway. He's too protective over me. He's killed three other men who tried to pursue me. He just wants me to have the best without talking to me about what I want."

I sigh and we keep walking for about an hour or so. We talk about our thoughts on the wedding, but I still don't discuss my feelings about marrying a woman. It's too risky at the moment. I don't know how Lizzy would react to me telling her such a thing.

'For the time being, I'm going to keep these feelings to myself. I'm not going to risk anything because of these feelings. I don't even understand what they are. Hopefully, I'll understand soon. Maybe I might even tell Lizzy. Only time will tell.'