Until I Collapse • @vscomultii

Chapter 1 // Ethan

I lean my head against the closed bathroom door. The frame on my forehead calms me down, even though I know that behind it my brother is probably dying.

My goal is to catch him in his act. I know what he does behind the closed doors with the blade.

He secretly lives with his head in the toilet or his throat raw from throwing up his food.
He thinks I don't talk to him because I hate him.

But it's all wrong.

I don't talk to him because I fear the thoughts of self hatred that run through his head more often than his thought of his next breath.

What does it feel like to hate yourself more than anything else in the world? When the only thing you know how to do anymore is slice the skin of your wrists apart piece by piece. To stop eating so that whatever you hate about yourself eventually vanishes, along with your life.

I can hear him throwing up. Gagging, pushing out food that acts like his life line. He's drowning, but he's not accepting his last chance at life. His coughs sound sick and empty, like his bones are knocking around inside his otherwise empty body. I can hear him softly crying to himself, softly cursing what he was born with.

My fingers feel for the doorknob, but when they find it they cannot twist the handle. Locked. As much as it hurts to admit it, I am relieved. Not because I don't want to save Grayson, but because I am a coward.

What I confirm to be behind that door will scare me more than just the idea of it.

He doesn't want me to know anyways.

An excuse, but I wouldn't admit it.

I could save him. Save Grayson from this torture he throws himself into. This horrible world he lives in of self-hatred, coming from preconceived ideas of being the perfect kid. The standards he thinks most of us live up to.

That I live up to.

I'm choking on words, trying to push something out. Trying to reach out to Grayson and offer him help.

Maybe I can fix what is broken between us.

But I hear him mutter a curse word under his breath, and he's cut himself too deep again. Digging his hole deeper and deeper.

The blade is thrown at the mirror; the clanking of metal attacking his reflection.

I was never his hero before. Why start now?

I feel nothing but disappointed in myself as I turn and head off in the opposite direction of the door.