Clarity

Still November

I was looking forward to Thanksgiving break the entire month of November. Five days I didn't have to spend in school. 

School was stressing me out. Everyone expected me to be comfortable with them by now, seeing how I've been seeing them every week day since September, but I don't work like that. 

My brain doesn't work like that. 

Noah and Megan still freak me out. 

Sawyer is the only soul I genuinely enjoy being around. I come home from school and he's waiting for me in the window. He jumps on me when I walk in the door. He sits with me while I do my homework, he sleeps in my bed with me. 

Sawyer loves me and I love him. Sawyer is the best thing about Gem. 

Sometimes Noah sleeps with me though. We will be watching movies or marathons of television series, and I will fall asleep. I'll wake up in the middle of the night and the television is still on, and Noah is passed out. 

Once in a while, Sawyer is crammed on the bed too, but Sawyer has become very attached to my window seat. If I leave anything in it, he destroys it. 

At times, I wonder if Noah purposely falls asleep in my bed. Maybe it's his way of making sure I don't kill myself or something. 

I don't understand why he cares about me. It's so much work being my friend, and I don't really give him much friendship. 

Noah is always being kind to me, inviting me on his quests for the perfect photo, complimenting me, sitting in awkward silence with me, and I can't even muster up a thank you. 

Maybe he truly understands how I am. I doubt it though. I don't even understand me, all I know is that I hate me. 

I know I scare Noah sometimes. The way he looks at me, with those droopy, sad eyes, like I'm a bird with a broken wing. I feel like crying when he does that. It's like he caught my sadness as if it's a common cold. To see how I feel everyday reflected on someone else's face makes me feel even worse. 

I also don't know what he wants from me, which makes it harder for me to accept the fact he wants to be around someone with a dark cloud over them all the time. Who would want to be around someone that was depressed? It's not like I'm exciting and full of life. 

Noah confuses me. 

Humans confuse me. 

I confuse me. 

I like my dog. 

I'm happy my mom let me keep him.

The other day, Noah asked me if I wanted to go on a walk with him, while he took photos of the autumn colors, and I could walk Sawyer. He takes photos of the street we live on like once a week. He says he's keeping track of the beautiful decay autumn has to offer. 

I was wearing this huge brown cashmere sweater I found at the junk store in town, thick gold wool tights, and this old flannel of Noah's he was going to throw away. I had my favorite pair of studded biker boots on too. My hair was in the messiest bun I think I had ever managed to create, my eyeliner was smeared, and Noah still wanted to take pictures of me. 

I looked like I rolled out of bed and put a sweater on over my tank top, and that's exactly what I did. 

I think the autumn decay was all a rouse to get me to go outside with him, so he could take pictures of me without me noticing much, because Sawyer always wants to get into things when we go on walks. 

Noah likes talking pictures of me. He says my face tells a thousand stories, and it's rare to find a face like that through a lens. I keep telling him my face is going to break his camera but he doesn't believe me. 

Megan was relieved when she found out I was being photographed by her brother, instead of her. Apparently Noah likes taking photos of everyone who looks punk. I don't think I look punk. 

I look lazy, and cozy in my baggy grandpa sweaters and thick tights. By the time I finish my make up in the morning, that's all the effort I can manage, so I don't take much time picking out things to wear. 

I don't cake make up on my face, by any means. I wear powder, and blush, then just whatever colors I feel like putting on my eyes. By the time I get to my mascara, I want to crawl back into bed and forget school exists, forget the world exists and listen to my records and imagine I am the only person left in the world after an apocolypse. 

That's totally normal, right? 

An apocolypse scares me less than the thought of having to deal with people wanting to know my name.