Musings Of A Lonely Genius

An Apology or a Cry for Help?

I can't even breathe
I can't even see
Why am I so angry?
Why won't you listen to me?
This is bigger
Than our arguments
Deeper than our fights
Mother, listen to your son
So you can see why
He explodes
Shatters across the table
Breaks across the living room floor.

He's distraught
He knows he's wrong
He knows you're right
But no amount of silence
Or veiled reconciliation
Will fix what underlies
His condition.

He wants to apologize
To admit that he was wrong
But he knows a part of him is right
And he's too proud to let it go
And, you're off
Squealing again
Screaming again
Cutting off again
He's breaking again
He just wants you to hear
But he doesn't know how
To say that he is sorry
And to say that there's a reason
And that he is broken.

Mother, his gravest sin
Is not his disrespect
Not his arguments
Not his condescension
But his pride
He's afraid that by admitting guilt
He is ceding all ground against him
When he had a reason
He knows he had a reason.

But, mother
He's tired of this
Tired of starting fights
Tired of picking up fights
Tired of being too proud
Tired of being stubborn
Tired of being rude
But most of all
He is tired of being angry.

He prayed in an empty courtyard
And picked up a Bible
For the first time in years
He heard the Voice of God
He saw the Cross and the Tomb
He felt the Spirit
And he proclaimed Hallelujah
And it brought him peace
It made him kinder
It made him calmer
It made him happier
But it did not fix him
Not yet.

He is praying and he is hoping
He is aching and he is crying out
He wants this cursed pride to leave him
Because it blinds him from reality
He often wishes he could run away
To spare himself and others the pain
Which he inflicts with his accursed pride
But he always regains sight
Too late.

Mother, he hears you when you lecture
He knows it is out of love and concern
But he acts this way most with you
Because it is you whom he loves most
He has reached a point
Where he wants to fight
He used to grip his demons tight
Holding onto them for comfort
Because his anger and sadness saved him
They made him feel when he was numb
They pushed him through when he was done
But now he has seen light
Now he has felt happiness
Now he understands love
Better than ever before.

So now, he is letting his demons go
But they won't go without a fight
He feels weak and he screams to the Father
To save his wretched soul
He knows he must be stronger
And all he wants is to be kinder.

So just know
When he loses his sight
And loses his mind
He is doing all he can
To become something kind.