The Perfect Sin (Camren)

Ch 16- Our Song

I am disappointed in myself.

This is not where I thought I would be at this stage in my life.

See, I had a plan.

Realistically speaking I knew my grades weren't the best, so I was going to go to a 2-year community college, which has a direct transfer program to the University of Miami. This is where I would major in Psychology, minor in education and create a life around helping people.

Soon after graduation though, I discovered that loans can only go so far and the workload was much more intense than in High School. Now, if I could barely handle community college what on earth made me think I could handle a University? Yeah, college is hard and even harder when you're depression weighs heavier than your textbooks but I expected more for myself and so did everyone else.

All I've heard, my entire life is how smart I am and how much potential I have. Most recently I keep hearing how much of it I'm wasting.

I remember one day I got to thinking why I was choosing Psychology.

I'm not particularly talented in anything. I'm not an artist or a dancer, I'm far from an athlete and even further from a mathematician. All I knew was that I had compassion and an understanding that the world could be a much better place. Did I think I could change the world? No. But I knew maybe I could help individuals better their lives. At least that's what I kept telling myself.

There was always something in the back of my head that told me, this may not be what you really want.

Deep down inside I knew it wasn't.

I don't remember the exact moment when I realized that I was lying to myself, but I do remember how I felt afterward.

There was a lot of confusion, but no more doubt.

Above all, I felt lost.

Yes, I've always loved helping people but that's not why I wanted to go into psychology.

I just wanted it to make sense.

Why would someone want to hurt a little girl? Why would a grown man get satisfaction out of that? Why would someone who has suffered through sexual abuse, and knows what it feels like want to do it to someone else?

I wanted his actions to make sense.

I wanted answers.

And when I realized I was doing this, I hated myself.

Because I was going to dedicate my entire life to finding answers that I will never be satisfied with. I was going to work towards a degree that I didn't want because of him. Everything somehow revolves back to him and I hated that I allowed myself to do that.

So I stopped.

Everything.

I quit school, I left the part-time job I had at the time and I stopped functioning.

My parents knew what was happening so they allowed me to sulk for a while, so long as I remained a model citizen at the church, of course.

This made me hate myself even more, though.

Depression told me to stop moving but anxiety yelled at me because there was so much to do and I am wasting time.

It really wasn't until Camila came around that I snapped out of it. Reality came crashing down on me and I don't know if it was because she inspired me or simply because I wanted to become someone who was worthy of her.

After our conversation at the mall's food court, the first time we hung out it was like something woke up. She told me she wanted a better normal than the one she grew up with and as skeptical as I am, I knew I wanted a better normal than the one that I had.