Broken

Moving On

His hands grabbed my hips and swayed them along with the music. Bodies jumping and moving along to the loud beat. I closed my eyes, in attempt to enjoy the moment. Yet I found myself feeling rather lost and uncomfortable. I turned my body so I was now facing him, his dark features could not be distinguished from the colorful lights. His lips crashed against mine and I felt sick, yet I didn't pull away. For a second, I almost enjoyed it as I gripped his long hair imagining it was Harry's. I choked at the feeling and immediately pulled away. This young man was drunk, so drunk. The vodka was intoxicating me, just from a couple brief kisses. His hands left my hips and signaled me to go outside, I nodded and walked away desperately wanting to find Lilian. I easily found her blonde curls standing by the bar with a handsome man. I approached them and smiled as she handed me a glass cup with clear liquid.

"What is it?" I questioned.

"It's water, relax." She laughed along with her companion.

I took a sip and handed it back to her, I called the bartender and ordered a martini. He slid a martini glass in my direction and I gulped it all down, a slight burn in my throat.

I continued drinking, many different drinks. I felt dizzy and couldn't stand up. I glanced over to the couple next to me kissing wildly. I giggled and a small tear slid down my cheek.

His hands rested on my thigh as he left a brief kiss on the corner of my mouth.

"I've missed you babe." He caressed the exposed skin of my shoulder.

"Me too." I replied my eyes looking up, meeting his emerald orbs.

His lips found mine and soon I was straddling his body. His hands moved around my back, his head tilting up to meet my lips. The movie we had previously been watching was still playing in the background. His warm hands removed my top and threw it aside to the floor. He smirked and I began unbuttoning his shirt and admired his tattoos.

"See this heart one on my shoulder? I got it for you. I would have gotten your name on but you know management." He whispered.

"I know, it just hurts we can't be seen together. We can't show our relationship to the world." I argued, I knew what this would always lead up to.

"Damn it Valerie, you already know we can't!" His tone was distinctly different. He removed me from on top of him and stood up leaving the room.

"Let's go," I nudged at Lilian's arm.

"Already?" She looked over and took in my appearance and immediately said goodbye to the person who she was talking to.

"What's wrong?" She pulled me through the crowd, until we were finally outside the club.

"The usual, I can't stop thinking about him." I confessed.

"It's been over a year Valerie."

"I know," I sighed. The crisp New York breeze hit my arms and I regretted not bringing a coat.

Lilian started the car and I leaned my head on the windshield, the passing lights only making my head spin worse.

This always happened, every time I went out I would somehow end up torturing myself with the thought of him. I was so weak. Many nights I spent locked in my room, staring blankly at the ceiling. I read novels, I watched movies, and they all tied back to him. Everything reminded me of him. It was to the absolute point where I couldn't even go out with friends without feeling comfortable.

The wall I had spent years building, he came by and tore it down. Now I was stuck unable to fix it once more.

The car came to a sudden stop, jolting my body awake. I opened the door and sauntered behind Lilian up the stairs as she opened the apartment door. I sprawled myself on the couch and I removed my heels and threw them on the floor. She checked up on me as my body curled up to a small ball, and she covered my body with a thick blanket. I was thankful for having a friend such as herself, she was always worried about me. In the past she had also spent many sleepless nights laying beside hearing me sob uncontrollably.

After I made sure she had fallen asleep, I whispered to myself, looking up at the pitch black ceiling, "Maybe I'm just drunk, but you are on my mind. I am dizzy, but you are here. My sight is blurred but I can feel you near, maybe I'm just hurting because you're not wrapped around me.. Like mu duvet is about to be. I'd replace it with you every day, for a kiss goodnight from your sweet lips."

-

A bright streak of sunlight peeked in through the dark curtains hanging over the window. My head throbbed and I felt like vomiting. I sat up and listened for any noises coming from the rooms... Silence. I stood up and my stomach reacted, the sour taste rose in my mouth and I ran to the bathroom. I came back to the living room minutes later. I checked the rooms and the kitchen for Lilian but she was gone. I pulled out my cell phone and dialed her number as I checked for aspirins in the bathroom cabinets.

"Hello?" Her soft voice on the other side of the line.

"Uh hey, where are you?"

"I'm at the grocery store, you were asleep when I left so I didn't bother waking you up."

"Oh alright, uh could you also bring me some pills. My head is killing me."

"Hangover huh?" She laughed.

"Ha ha. Very funny." I fake laughed as I ended the call.

I looked at my appearance in the mirror, my makeup was smeared and dark under eye bags circled my eyes. I undressed myself and stepped in the shower. The hot water soothing my wrecked body. I slid myself down the shower wall and stared blankly at the opposite wall. How could he have left me so easily? Hadn't he loved me? He hadn't even had the courage to break off our relationship on purpose. Perhaps, he was forced to. A string of hope still hung at my chest. It had been little over a year, and honestly it had felt like years to me. Everyday was alike yet so different, I replayed the many scenarios we had spent together in my head. I felt the urge to cry in my heart, a bump in my throat grew but my body wouldn't react. I felt so dry, so numb. I needed a way to get rid of the pain.

By the time I was finished the water was ice cold. I turned it off and wrapped my body with a towel. I opened the door and the TV sound caught my attention. Lilian was sitting on the couch with the remote on her lap.

"Hey someone doesn't stink anymore!" She laughed. I faked it along with her.

"Harry Styles and his girlfriend will be in New York city for the weekend--" my head snapped towards the television and my breathing was altered. My body froze and as hard as I tried to neglect any feelings, I was unable to.