Perhaps sometimes you have to see yourself in a relationship from the outside looking in to see you're not worth all of the trouble you cause the person you're with. Sometimes I sit and tell myself to stop saying what I'm saying because I know later on I'll look back and hate myself for the things I've said and done, but do I stop myself? No it doesn't seem so. I need to work on myself. I don't eat right. I can't think straight because my sadness and my reasonable self get into conflict after every single little thing. I don't know which is right sometimes but yet I still argue with them both. Wishing it were only ME in my own head. I hate myself for the things I say. How I over react over the smallest of things. How I get jealous over virtually nothing. "She won't leave me." "Yes she will she's only staying cause she pities you." "No that can't be true. She wouldn't do that she loves me." "That's precisely what she wants you to think" "She isn't like that I know she isn't!" On and on it goes. Never with a clear winner. Every single one of my thoughts run together. Drowning in everything I'm thinking. I love her. It hurts sometimes and I know she deserves so much more. She does she just doesn't realize it yet and I fear one day she will. "If she does then at least she'll be happier" "Shut up it's all your fault I'm like this anyway. It's because of you that she goes to bed upset with us. It's because of you that soon she could no doubt get sick and tired of how awful we act. It's all YOUR fault." But it's all me isn't it. Both of the voices that never seem to shut up. I begin to believe I'm insane but I don't know how to make it stop. Make it stop. I only want to be happy. I want to make others happy. I don't care about me. All I want is for the arguments to stop. For everything to be normal. To be normal. I want to be with her I want to hold her hand. I want to hug her so tight and never let her go because she deserves that. I don't know how to love myself but dear fuck do I love her. I do. I do. I love her so much. She's beautiful. She's so lovely. Her voice is like a million beautiful songs together that form a perfect melody. I may not come even close to measuring up to her but I don't think I even mind. How can you learn to love yourself? How can you learn to accept yourself? I want to make her happy. That's all I want and I will. One day. If she doesn't go. I hope I will get the chance. I pray I will get the chance to make her life so much better. Even if mine does not. Even if the voices never stop. Even if I never learn to properly eat. Even if I never learn to love my body, or my personality. Even if my words still never come out right. Even if I'm not perfect. I'll try my hardest to fix myself. I'll try and I'll try because she doesn't deserve someone broken and insane. She deserves the best. And that is what I intend to become. I may be nothing. But I will do everything in my capability to bring a smile to that beautiful face. I swear it.
This may make absolutely no sense. But I guess that doesn't really matter. No one more than likely read this anyway.
