I wonder what it's like.
I look around at all of the people surrounding me.
Every one of them visibly happy and content, making jokes and smiling.
I wonder to myself what it might be like to smile without it being forced.
To laugh with out it being fake.
No one around knowing the inner turmoil you have with yourself.
No reason to be miserable or sad.
Pushing people away when all they want is for you to be happy.
You're told to tell yourself to be happy and to make yourself be happy.
But what they don't understand is that it isn't that easy.
You can't possibly be happy when you hate everything about yourself. When you feel as if everyone around you only sticks around because you can make a joke every now and then and you're just so great at making everyone around you happier.
Even when you can't make yourself happy.
Never understanding why it is that you have to look a certain way.
Cringing every time you hear your own voice.
Feeling nauseous with every bite of food that you eat willing yourself not to throw it up after because you know everyone in the other room would hear.
Crying in the shower has become almost routine.
Music once again becoming your best friend. Like someone you'd stopped talking to several summers ago that you've just begun catching up to again.
Hello old friend. Play me a tune and make my surroundings fade into nothingness like you did all those months ago? Please friend?
Willing with all your strength for you not to fall back into your old ways.
Not wanting to fall apart.
Not wanting the people around you to realize what's wrong yet at the same time on the inside you're just begging for someone to help.
You have less interest in things you used to love.
Wanting to hide away.
You just want to separate yourself from every single person.
You would rather lock yourself in your room or anywhere you can just be by yourself. You'd rather lie and do nothing than even talk to a loved one because you know if you get too close you'll push them away just as quickly.
You want to be happy but you don't remember how to be?
Numbness taking over your mind and your body, your only feelings revolving around those of the beautiful voices and sounds in the music you play.
You don't know how you'll get better but you're trying your hardest to keep your head above the waves. Nearly drowning in your own thoughts.
Perhaps it'll pass.
Perhaps it won't.
