Pure Feeling

after sex

The guilt spread through me like a pesky weed, killing the beautiful flowers that had bloomed within me with each orgasm I had. Harry lay asleep beside me and I focused on the metronomic rise and fall of his chest in an attempt to keep the urges at bay. I'd expected to leave after we fucked under the Monet, but Harry had thrown me over his shoulder and carried me to his room where he bent me over the end of his bed and drew another orgasm from me. He still hadn't asked me to go after that; instead he pulled me into his bed where he quickly fell into a motionless sleep while I lay wide awake fighting with my demons.

Sex with Harry had been an equal exchange, he'd been as interested in my pleasure as he had been in his own: an unacceptably novel trait in a man. Most women would be thrilled, but not me. Once the intense high of my orgasms had subsided I was left with nothing but the heavy weight of guilt suffocating me. The only time I could ever walk away from sex was when I felt used, when my pleasure, if there was any, was an accidental byproduct of the real purpose.

I was careful not to wake Harry as I got out of his bed. My dress was still on the floor of his foyer, and I had no undergarments with me. I wasn't even wearing my cross, the necklace I rarely ever took off. It was at home in my jewellery box and I felt unprotected without it. The full weight of what I had done crashed into me as I wrestled with my options: grab something from Harry's closet or go downstairs naked and slip back into my dress. There was nobody around to risk being caught roaming the house with no clothes on, but it was the shame of doing so that had me heading for Harry's massive walk in wardrobe.

My skin was crawling; the need to wash myself clean gnawing at me. I couldn't focus on anything but the urge to scrub, and the third time I scanned my eyes over the multitude of drawers, I knew there was no hope for me. I wouldn't be able to make the trip home without breaking down.

I scratched at my forearms as I darted out of the walk in robe and into the ensuite bathroom. I silently thanked God that I knew this bathroom backward and forwards, enough that I didn't need to turn on all the lights and could minimise the risk of waking Harry. The pipes were silent, I knew that from the renovation, and as long as Harry wasn't a light sleeper then the water wouldn't wake him.

I turned the mirror light on; it was enough to lighten the room and wasn't visible from the bedroom. Grabbing a clean flannel, I then set the water temperature for so hot an exclamation mark appeared on the electronic dash. I stepped under the instantaneous hot water, a sigh of relief escaping my lips as the water cascaded over me. The scalding hot water soothed me, it was like watching my sins being burnt off of my body and disappearing down the drain.

I pumped a few squirts of Harry's body wash on the flannel, it wasn't enough but it would do, and started to scrub. I started with my right leg first, moving to my left and then onto my torso and arms. I scrubbed until my skin stung, until it seemed the dirtiness was gone. I longed for the pumice stone I had hidden in the back of my drawer in the bathroom, that was so harsh and rough against my skin but left me feeling pure and fresh.

My eyes stung with tears as I sank to the ground and curled up in a ball underneath the spray of water. Silent sobs wracked my body, the hot water and flannel not enough to rid me of Harry. I still felt him all over my body, and the most upsetting part was I liked it. I liked the rawness he made me feel, the unabashed sexual desire that coursed through me with a single touch.

I liked it, but it couldn't override the beliefs ingrained into me.

"What the fuck!" I yelped as hands wrapped around me and yanked out me from under the water. "Sasha, are you hurt?" Wide eyed, I looked up at Harry and shook my head. He'd pulled me up so I was standing but he held all my weight, something I was grateful for because I wasn't sure my legs could support me. "The water's too hot, baby. You could be burned."