Pure Feeling

running in circles

A night turned into a day and then a week had gone by. Harry and I co-existed but we didn't talk. Both of us threw ourselves into work, leaving before half seven in the morning and returning after midnight. We'd flop into bed, both too exhausted to talk, and the problem lay between us, keeping us to our own sides of the bed.

I couldn't find a way to forgive Harry and move on. Every time I thought about what he did, what Gen did, my anger was renewed. I was more comfortable being suspended in numbness. When I felt empty, nothing ate away at me. When I felt nothing, I couldn't hate what they did. I couldn't resent them.

A knock on my office door pulled me from my daze.

"Sasha!" Aggie was about to burst, she seemed so happy. She entered my office with a spring in her step. I almost thought she was going to skip to the arm chairs opposite my desk. "You got The Duchess account! Congratulations!"

My mouth opened in disbelief. Self-doubt flared up; was it too soon for a decision to be back? It had only been eight days since I pitched. I was immediately suspicious of Harry and his ability to meddle.

"It came down to you and Maeve Collins from Esmerelda Sanchez Interiors. Your mirror design won them over." Aggie was beaming, with pride and happiness. This was what we'd both been working towards for so long — shaping me into a designer who wasn't stuck in a box. "You made a bold move, investing time in a hand drawn design when you didn't have the account. But it paid off. I'm so proud of you. You deserve this."

I hoped the grin on my face hid the doubts that were swirling below the surface.

"Now I've just got to pull it off," I joked. Aggie eyed me cautiously while I laughed softly.

"You won this account on merit, Sasha. I have no doubt you will pull it off." Her soft gaze reminded me of my mother's and I had to avert my eyes. I couldn't let my mind wander to thoughts of celebrating with my mum — not when my emotional state was already so fragile. "I want to take you out for dinner to celebrate. Kath and your Harry can come. See if Wednesday or Thursday suits Mr Styles better and let my PA know." Aggie walked toward the door but paused before she exited and I lifted my head to meet her eyes. "Congratulations again, Sasha."

"Thanks, Aggie. For everything." I owed her the world. She'd taken a chance on me when I was 18 and completely lost. Aggie had given me purpose and direction, and I'd found a career I loved while getting to work in the best environment. For the first time since my mother died, I felt passion. Honestly, I felt something other than hollow. It was the start of me becoming a person again, as opposed to a human who existed.

Aggie left me to myself and I fought with the urge to call Harry. My fingers hovered over my mobile. I wanted to share the news with him, even if he already knew, but I was still so angry. I wasn't done processing.

I threw my phone in my top drawer, hoping the temptation would ease with my mobile out of sight. I turned my focus to my work, where I could easily get lost in measurements and fabrics and colour palettes. I started a spreadsheet and plotted out a timeline for my current jobs — there was no conceivable way I could keep this many active accounts when the Duchess was in full swing. I flagged the projects I'd have to hand off to others, some I was sad about but others were pains I welcomed getting rid of, and estimated completion dates for the projects I would keep.

By the time I felt I'd made some sense of the abundance of accounts I had, it was nearly half seven. I'd worked through lunch and dinner, not noticing when people started to pack up and go home. My phone, mobile or landline, hadn't made a sound in hours. Undisturbed, I'd been able to shut the world out and make real progress on my organisation.