Pure Feeling

not like the movies

The week following the night I left passed by in slow motion. Time barely seemed to tick by as I lay in bed and stared at the ceiling or as I sat on the couch with a cup of tea and stared at the television, not comprehending anything I watched. I recoiled from life, locking myself in the prison that my mind became when I felt violated. Despite their best efforts, Nadia and Gen couldn't coax me from the near catatonic state I'd slipped into.

I let myself become numb because it hurt too much. I couldn't find the strength to feel anything because I didn't know how to stitch myself back together after romantic heartbreak. I never really had Harry in my grasp -- we never properly stepped over the line into relationship territory -- but it didn't hurt any less when he slipped through my fingertips. It didn't make the way he betrayed my trust any easier or the invasion of privacy less serious.

When it wasn't Harry that filled my mind, it was my mother. I'd missed her every moment since the day she died, but it was the times when I needed her guidance, advice, or even just her arms around me while she told me it would be okay that I missed her the most. A decade on, I still didn't know how to live without her. There were plenty of people offering their advice or wanting to help, but none were Valentina Alexandrov. None of them were the same; they were not my mum and they couldn't fill the gaping hole left by her death.

"Sasha!" I closed my eyes and sighed at the sound of Gen's voice carrying up the stairs. "You better be up!"

Gen had gone out for lunch with friends but promised to be home to help me get ready for a party I had to attend that evening. I had taken two weeks off work, last minute but with so many weeks backed up Aggie was eager to see me take some, but I hadn't been able to renege on Aamir Khan's 30th birthday. Rumour was he wanted to have work done on the entire English property portfolio he had recently inherited from his father-in-law, and I wanted to be his designer of choice. A self-made man, Aamir Khan had amassed his fortune with an internet startup company he'd sold in it's prime. Angel funding was his next venture which lead him to his wife, the daughter of another investor at the funding firm. She was an only child and Aamir became the son his father-in-law never had, leaving them to inherit the sizeable property portfolio.

I tried to hide myself amongst the blankets on my bed, but Gen pulled them all back until she found me. "If you don't get your arse out of bed, I'm pouring a bucket of ice water over you."

"Tough love? Really?" It was Gen's prefered method but she'd been gentle since Harry. She sensed that I wasn't ready for a kick up the arse, until now at least. "I'll call Aggie and tell her I'm poorly. It's a thing, getting sick when you go on holidays."

"You are going, Sash. Moping around the house isn't doing you any good! If you weren't scared of him coming in for an appointment you'd be at work and you'd be fine." Gen plonked herself down on the edge of my bed and slapped my thigh. "You're not going to see him there tonight. He's never been at a Khan affair before, why would he now?"

"Because Harry Styles has a habit of showing up out of nowhere." Like my office or Colin Hamilton's party.

"If this was a charity dinner or an art thing, I'd give credit to your theory, but babe, it's a man's birthday party. Harry can't push his way onto the guest list." Gen had a point, but it didn't make me want to get out of bed. "Up! I'm here to make you look like you've slept this week so you're going to look stunning. Like your usual self."

"I can't go, Gen. I'm not ready."

"You are going to pull yourself together, Sasha, because that is what you do. You are strong and you will not be taken down by an idiot man. Not after you have survived so much."

"You know what? Maybe I'll quit my job and move to Thailand where I can lay on a beach in peace," I grumbled but rolled over and swung my legs out of bed. "We both know I've got the funds to do it."